THURSDAY, 10 JULY 2003
I’ve identified a weakness in my future plans. Financially it can work, but there is an uncertainty that shines through in my idea to perhaps set up home in Bronkhorstspruit, and then to return to Taiwan for a few months.
In my usual scientific way, I worked out that it had to do with identity. I know who I am, how I want to live, and what I want out of life. As long as I stay in Taiwan, this is all possible. As soon as I set up home in Bronkhorstspruit, so I reckon, I’ll be a little uncertain about whether who I am, how I want to live, and what I want out of life is still going to be so anchored in External Reality.
I took a nap, and the message came through: Be who you are – a writer.
The uncertainty disappeared almost immediately, like a playground bully would vanish when his victim’s older, bigger brother arrives on the scene.
The reason for the uncertainty is that I have a terrifying anxiety to live an aimless, meaningless existence. Just living in Bronkhorstspruit and making “enough” money is not good enough for me. In Taiwan I’m a teacher, a writer, and a student. If I make it clear to myself that I will continue to be a writer in Bronkhorstspruit, then I am saying that I will also there know who I am, how I want to live, and what I want out of life. And there it will also be rooted in external reality.
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I look through my old photos (1990, 1991, 1997), and I read through old journals (1996, 1997) and I begin to wonder: Have I at least done something with my life in the past seven years, and perhaps more specifically the last four and a half years?
The answer is: “Yes.” (I asked a similar question a few days ago, so fortunately I already knew the answer.) I have learned over the past seven years who I am, how I want to live, and what I want out of life (thanks to Steven Burgess and his book SA Tribes: Who we are, how we live and what we want from life in the new South Africa for this line I recite like a mantra these days). I also specifically worked on being a writer for the past five years, not merely wanting to become one.
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