Author: Brand Smit

Sunday, 4 January 1998

What are the terms on which a Loner can reconcile him- or herself with society? Or, what are the rules of the game … or, if an alien lands in my room and asks me what he needs and what he should do to fit into society (presumably as a human being) what will I answer?

1) Money

2) Conviction that it is worth the effort to fit in

3) Seeing that you wake from your slumber every morning to then “do things” for sixteen to eighteen hours, and that you quickly learn that things become easier if you see continuity, pattern, direction, even meaning in the succession of days you function as a member of the species Homo sapiens, it can be quite useful to understand who you are and know what you want to do with your life

Money for what?

1) Residence – a comfortable, safe space that can serve as your resting spot, your storage space and your refuge

2) Food, clothing and other basic necessities

3) Entertainment for if and when you need it

4) Pension payments – in case you make it to old age

5) Medical fund – in case you get sick

6) Insurance – in case you have stuff that can get stolen

7) Symbols of Stability – things like an address and a telephone

Nearly forgot something without which you can barely survive, much less stand a chance to lead a productive existence! Confidence! Of course you need good self-esteem! Of course you need to believe in yourself and in your ability and potential to one day pitch camp on Higher Ground!

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Tuesday, 30 December 1997

New things, like modern technology, are symbols of the future – the unknown no-one has ever visited, with no certainties or beacons, about which there are no stories; the darkness we’re rushing in headlong.

Old things are symbols of the past – the familiar, about which information has been recorded, and about which more is still being written; a world full of stories everybody knows. (And now I’m forced to stop writing because the old, overheated train – technology from an earlier era – is making me nauseous with its rocking and swaying.)

Thursday, 1 January 1998

My first relatively intelligent thought of the year sprang from a conversation around two o’ clock this morning in the Urban Bar: The problem with the middle class, I announced to a group of people sitting around a table, is that it’s a relatively modern phenomenon. It doesn’t have enough valuable traditions.

Can days like Christmas and New Year and birthdays be compared to, for example, ancestral traditions, legends of the warrior, or marches that have been commemorating an event in the same way for the past 700 years? (To name just a few examples.)

A significant percentage of the younger members of the International Middle Class are also disillusioned by what they are offered, and do not consider it worthwhile to build on.

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Note added on 7 July 1998: The younger members of the middle class did not do anything themselves to earn the relative comfort and security being offered to them. They did not build the proverbial house from its foundation. This causes some people to feel insecure about themselves and their abilities. Many parents don’t understand this. Neither do many younger members of the community.

Friday, 2 January 1998

A specific language need not be spoken universally, and thus have universal value, to be valuable to people who use it to fulfil their daily needs, and to get from point A to point B.

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Monday, 29 September 1997

To feel good about yourself is to be motivated. To be motivated is to be active. To be active stimulates ambition. And if ambition is stimulated, things get done.

Money is not the only measure of success. There’s personal development, the way you look at the world around you, the way you look at yourself and your relationship with the world, and then to consider what you are capable of and how you can realise this potential. In terms of this, my time in Korea has been a great success.

Thursday, 18 December 1997

Criteria for a plan: mobility, environment, debt, but most of all – self-confidence. Self-confidence is everything. Without self-confidence I go numb, my legs go wobbly … I become sluggish and listless.

I need to keep going. I need an idea to believe in. I have to always work on something to keep my confidence afloat.

If I have confidence in myself, I am alive. Then I do things; I’m able to move forward. As soon as my faith in something withers, I tumble down like a bird shot through the wing.

Another a big problem is that money and self-confidence go hand in hand with me. To have money is to be able to exercise choices. And to want to do something plus to be able to do it equal self-confidence. To want to do something plus to not be able to do it because you don’t have money equal self-confidence nose-diving into the ground. It’s a simple equation.

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Monday, 24 November 1997

I am an idealist, but I live in a world full of corruption, injustice and inequality, with unideal relations between people, between people and nature, and even between people and their own selves. In this world, I strive for perfect happiness, perfect love, a perfect life, even the perfect career for myself. This quest for perfection in a world so far from perfect inevitably leads to internal conflict – disillusion versus stubborn belief in the good and the possibility of something better.

Is perfect happiness attainable? Is it possible to achieve a perfect form of love? Is it possible to always, at all times, make the kind of impression on people you can subsequently describe as accurate according to the view you have of yourself? Is perfect faith an achievable goal that we should pursue? Are perfect relationships possible? Is it possible to always live up to your full potential?

I – the person asking these questions – am an idealist. My approach to life reflects a trend that would suggest “Yes” ought to be my response to these questions. What else should I do – give up on what I strive for, and just assume that perfection is an unattainable myth? Should I be happy with whatever is offered, or whatever I have at that particular moment?

The problem, whether I accept it or continue swimming upstream in denial, is that the world is overflowing with imperfection. This forces me to face an unpleasant fact: The position of an idealist in an unideal world leads, in many cases, to confusion, loneliness, isolation and depression. That such a person would display a certain lack of success in dealing with this unideal world, that he would display an inability to engage in a creative, productive, mutually beneficial relationship with the world around him, should come as no surprise.

One option for the idealist is to withdraw – to retreat to a “smaller”, more easily manipulated world where he would be more at ease; where his sensitive nature won’t be so easily afflicted by the occasional crudeness of life and the seemingly daily occurrence of injustice; where the dirty, contaminated hands of an unideal world won’t be able to reach him; where he would feel safe.

Some idealists take on the persona of the Loner – the solitary man or woman, but I reckon this is to a large extent only part of a cosmetic solution. The original problem remains: inner conflict brought on by the contrast between their expectations of how things ought to be, and how things actually are.

* * *

How does one deal with such a disturbingly imperfect world? Do you accept and submit? Do you flee into the waiting arms and warm bosom of fundamentalist religion where all answers are dictated to you, and if pre-packaged answers aren’t sufficient you are simply told, “God has a plan for everything” or “God is in control”? Do you become a fugitive perpetrator of violence as a conscious or spontaneous response to imperfection and to mock the humble efforts of ordinary people who try to cope in the only way they know how? Or do you pull into the driveway and collapse on the couch minutes later for an evening in front of the TV? Do you become Gandhi or Stalin? Jesus Christ or Julius Caesar? Do you quit or do you commit? Commit to what? I’m going to drive myself insane! Time for some tea and a cigarette …

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[For the idealist to take on the persona of the “loner” is more than just a cosmetic solution.

Being a “loner” often provides the person with a temporary refuge. It is a measure that enables the person to do what they ought to do – work out a meaningful, productive and hopefully mutually beneficial relationship with the world.]

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Tuesday, 4 November 1997

Being an English teacher has its disadvantages, but considering that you can live in any of more than 25 countries, and do a job that can be quite satisfactory, you can’t but think of it as a decent career opportunity.

I’m not saying I’m looking at the long-term at the moment, but as regards career opportunities open to me – taking into account my qualifications and experience, I’d have to say I’m seriously considering it. It will enable me to earn money, travel, and learn new skills, and it will keep me out of a place called middle-class suburbia.

* * *

I have eight months left on my contract before I go back to South Africa. Instead of thinking of another eight, long months … I’m starting to think about the fact that for another eight months I’ll still have a job, I’ll still be earning money, and I’ll have a place to stay. When I’m back in South Africa, at least for the first few weeks I’ll be unemployed, I won’t make any money, and I won’t have a place of my own.

It’s like a chasm eight months into the future. I can close my ears, close my eyes, and just start running – and hope time passes quickly, just to eventually realise that I don’t know how to cross the chasm; that I’m staring straight down a steep cliff.

The alternative is to start gathering material to build a bridge when I reach the gap – so it won’t be an anti-climax. It’s also important that I have to be ready for the “other side”. Preparation includes things like savings, language proficiency, early planning for academic courses, and so on.

The fact is that these eight months are going to pass, and it is up to nobody but myself what things will look like when I look back. Will I see wasted chances, and look ahead and realise I’m in trouble? Or will I be waiting at the airport in Singapore before flying to South Africa, feeling good about myself, thinking about everything I will have done over the previous eight months, and confidently expecting to cross the chasm?

It all depends on myself – right now. I have, hopefully, another eight months to prepare.

* * *

To achieve my goals, I need to change my lifestyle. Now, some time ago, I had this idea of a transformation, to do things in a radically different way. Since then, I’ve become aware of the risk of such idealistic ideas – the bubble can burst, or you can simply get bored with it (because it’s not really you), and then you’re back at the start.

I should instead look at areas where I can use my current lifestyle, current methods of doing things, and current preferences to get more done. For example, it’s better for me to work longer into the night than to get up early in the morning.

Simply put, I need to spend more hours each day working on my goals. I’ll have to discipline myself to not just sit around, and to keep myself busy as productively as possible.

Ultimately, it’s all part of a chain reaction – if you do something productive in the morning, the table is set and the ice is broken to be productive for the rest of the day. (Of course, it also works the other way around.) The more you do, the better you feel about yourself, and the better you feel about yourself, the more you do (and vice versa).

Fact is, it is in my own hands today whether I will leave here in eight months’ time as someone confused and uncertain about his future, or as someone with a plan.

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