Category: Old age of my youth – 2015

SUNDAY, 30 AUGUST 2015

In 1994 I was still running in the pack along with other people of my age with whom I shared a broad socio-economic background. In my head I was already somewhat apart, but to all concerned and in terms of what was visible to everyone, I was still doing the same things many of my peers were doing.

In 1995 – twenty years ago this year – things changed. Many of my contemporaries started that year with a journey of more or less forty years that would end with their retirement, if they were to be blessed with a long life. That was the year when I split from the pack. And with that I am not saying my path was better or more special, and I make no judgement on my contemporaries who started with their forty-year career path. I am merely saying I have been on a different path since 1995.

Twenty years have since passed. Like many of my peers I also wonder: How am I doing?

Out of every hundred of my contemporaries who started in 1995 with a career (or with the first of perhaps four or five different careers) that will end in retirement in about two decades’ time, how many of them do as well as they thought they would? How many have actually pursued any of the dreams they wanted to pursue? How many of them have realised at least one or two of their dreams? How many have missed one chance after another? How many do much better than they ever thought they would?

It is reasonable to assume that everyone has made at least a few mistakes and displayed some poor judgement a number of times, and that at least a few people have seriously slipped up at least once. I think it is furthermore reasonable to assume that most people would like to make more money than is currently the case, and that a few may wish they could do more interesting work. Statistically it is also inevitable that a small percentage of this group are doing exceptionally well – they are making more money than they ever thought they would; their children are more beautiful and more intelligent than they ever thought they could produce, and they do work they find more fulfilling and more interesting than when they started out two decades ago.

To get back to my question, I think I am doing okay – in some areas much better than I thought I would; in other areas I am doing worse than I hoped would be the case. I have had a few slip-ups, and there have been a few times where I completely overestimated my abilities (or perhaps I simply did not know myself well enough, or I didn’t have a proper understanding of the challenge). I have so far led a pretty interesting life. I am learning more every day about things I have always been interested in. I am almost never bored. And I share my life with a strong-minded, kind-hearted woman and two black cats. I have no debt, and I have a little money in the bank.

On the other hand, 99% of my income currently comes from teaching English part-time in Taiwan, on a sometimes unpredictable schedule. And my income is only a fraction of what I need to take care of my elderly parents, so the responsibility mainly falls on the long-suffering shoulders of my older sister.

Twenty years after I started walking on a different path and at a different pace than many of my contemporaries I am not doing too badly. Truth be told though, a few people, myself included, are hoping I do a little better in the future.

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FRIDAY, 28 AUGUST 2015

It feels like the days are passing so quickly that I can’t manage to sort out important things in my head.

I am once again grappling with the idea of success … or rather the opposite, failure. I have probably already noted this idea, but this week I thought again that I, Brand Smit, will ultimately succeed or fail as a writer, not as an English teacher or a freelance proof-reader or a sports trader or sports bettor or publisher of books and other information.

What this comes down to in practice is that if I am not writing or engaged in some other task that has to do with writing, I am probably busy doing something with which I haven’t achieved much success by this age of 44 (even as English teacher I would have to wonder how many of my students have significantly improved their English ability because I had come across their paths).

If I am working on a literary project, there is a good chance that I am doing something I will eventually be able to look back on and say: It may never have won a prize, and I never made much money with it, and it hardly made my name familiar to the masses, but I feel good about it. It feels as if I have made a contribution, no matter how modest.

If at this time of my life I were successful in making money with something other than English classes, I would also have felt good about that. It would have made things possible for my partner and I that is not currently possible, and it would have been good to be less worried about the future. But it would also have felt good to know I have achieved a modicum of success in an area where other people could measure my abilities and skills. In other words, other people would have looked at me and they wouldn’t have seen someone trying very hard but not actually achieving much visible, tangible success.

A few days ago I made a note on a piece of paper about identity. Once again I ask: Who am I? Who do I want to be? And then you can go ahead and ask that about any project you take on, every effort you make to earn money or otherwise bring about something positive: Who do I want to be as English teacher? Who do I want to be as sports bettor? Who do I want to be as pre-race trader? Who do I want to be as publisher of books and other information?

How much do other people think about this? Or, how much do other writers and English teachers and sports bettors and pre-race traders think about this? I reckon most do not think about it as much as I do – that is, some people may think more about it, but more people probably spend less time thinking about it.

I think many people decide to do something, and they are pretty much ready to go. Things more or less fall into place, or a critical mass of things fall into place, so they do not have to spend so much time to sit and think about it. It also means they can eliminate options faster. It is almost like having to sit down and fill out a pack of forms: some people look at a question, a second later they check a box, and they are done in ten or fifteen minutes.

I have to think about everything. Nothing is easy to me. If there are two possibilities, I have to think about them. If there are three or four possibilities, I have to spend even more time thinking about it. Success therefore takes significantly longer to achieve for someone like me.

Many other people also fail faster than me. Because I take so long to work through all the options, it takes me two, three, or ten times longer to discover something doesn’t work or that I cannot make something work. And by that time many of the people who had started at the same time as me have already crossed the first mountain range, happily on their way to the Promised Land.

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THURSDAY, 13 AUGUST 2015

I am still learning how to earn my future bread and butter by speculating with prices on the world’s largest betting exchange – in my case mostly UK horse racing before the races start. I don’t want to give an account of how I am doing here and now. What I would like is to mention that I have discovered by now how I react to losses, and when something I expected to happen does not happen – with the result that I lose another few cents or dollars to someone else.

I find it interesting how difficult it can be for me to lose money – most of the time small, insignificant amounts. And then there is the hope, and the assumptions. The other day I heard someone say in a movie on TV: “I can take the pain, but the hope is killing me.” I am a pretty optimistic guy. I want to believe tomorrow will be better than today. When the first signal appears that things are looking good in a specific trading situation, my fist is already clenched and ready to shoot triumphantly into the air. Then it appears things just looked good at first glance. And my fist relaxes. My shoulders drop. If this happens a few times in one week, I once again contemplate giving up (I have to express it in a different way because talk of giving up can so easily become commonplace).

I can’t remember what my assumptions were when I started with this project, but I think I assumed it would take a month or so for my account to begin growing. Eventually I became more realistic and started talking about eighteen months to two years. On a smaller scale I frequently make the assumption that it is going better and better, and that I am getting closer to that elusive point of success. Then it escapes me again. And then the disappointment kicks in, again.

This, at the end of the day, is interesting – to the part of me who is interested in things of this nature, and less bothered by how much money I make … or don’t make. I would almost go so far as to suggest that this strong emotional reaction to losing, or to being wrong, or to being disappointed when I hoped for something better, is worth the money that I have spent on it so far.

FRIDAY, 21 AUGUST 2015

The difference between the ages of 30 and 44 for me is an extra decade and a couple of years to observe myself in situations, and with certain challenges, and to see where I am okay, and where my weak points are.

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MONDAY, 22 JUNE 2015

A thought regularly occurs to me that we often possess the right knowledge, we know a lot of things we need to know, but we cannot always express what we know in the right words. The result is that what we know becomes blunted.

I believe this is one of the reasons why people respond so positively to writers or singers or public speakers when they succeed in expressing “that thing” in exactly the right way.

THURSDAY, 2 JULY 2015

My organic robot brain downloaded the instructions at some point that I have to work at least eight hours per day to justify my existence to others and to myself.

The alternative is that I need a lot of money because, as Robot Brain also understands it, rich people do not need to justify their existence – only peasants have to do it, and servants, slaves, and so forth.

FRIDAY, 24 JULY 2015

Success?

I am 44 years old and I can pay for my own dinner.

Nobody can accuse me of having unrealistic standards.

FRIDAY, 31 JULY 2015

Drumroll for an important insight: We often say, “But someone else has already said that” or “Someone else is already doing that.”

Fact is, not everyone heard when that other person said whatever they had said; not everyone has seen that particular movie or read that specific book. And even if people have heard what that man or woman had said, or if they have seen a certain movie or read a particular book, they may have forgotten about the lights that had come on in their heads!

We all forget things. This, at the end of the day, is why important things need to be repeated.

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TUESDAY, 19 MAY 2015

Seize every opportunity you get to be happy because in the blink of an eye it can all be over.

“Wait! I haven’t been happy enough!”

“Too late. Let’s go.”

“No, wait! Just give me one more day! C’mon, I had no warning!”

“Few people get any warning. Let’s go.”

“No! A few hours more … if I had known, I would have …”

“Do you really think you’re the first person to ask for more time? You’re done. Game over.”

“Okay, let me just quickly …”

“Don’t make me use the cattle prod …”

TUESDAY, 2 JUNE 2015

I am currently working on a few projects – four or five thematic collections of notes and pieces and new ideas that prompt me to say, maybe I’m just another pleb, just another schmuck whose life is not much different from the next person’s after all, and I am indeed wasting my time with my so-called writing.

On the other hand, there is a slim possibility that I have lived my adult life so far in a way that has given me a unique view of human existence and the lives we live, and that a combination of personality and tertiary education could make it possible for me to write something that would make someone else say: “I like the wording of this. It’s not really something that I haven’t thought of myself, but the way he talks about it makes it easier for me to organise my own thoughts.”

It is possible that there is nothing special about me or my writing, but I nevertheless choose to play the second card.

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