Let’s write something

Let’s call it, The Piece I Wrote on Sunday night, 14 December 2003 at … or, Monday morning, 15 December 2003 at 02:03. What would this still unwritten piece be about? Will it be about when I will return to the country of my birth? Will it be about my criticism of the world, post-industrial revolution? Will it deal with my plan, only written in pencil, of course, to go to Mainland China next September? Will it be about how I miss my parents in Middelburg and my younger sister in Bronkhorstspruit and my older sister in London? Perhaps this piece I have not yet written will be about the meaning of life, or about the question of what a human being really is. Maybe it will be about the purpose of my own life, or perhaps whether or not I will ever get married and produce children. Will it deal with Creative Nature, or Creative Process? Will it be about the fauna and flora of Taiwan, or maybe about the trip that I will make to the nearest 7-Eleven in about eight hours to buy milk and a newspaper … or maybe even about all these matters? Will I use paragraphs in this piece? Am I going to click on “Tools”, then “Language”, then “Set Language” and then (no proofing) so that the red squiggly lines under the Afrikaans words that Microsoft Word is trying to interpret as English, can disappear? Will I scratch the side of my nose, or will I go smoke a cigarette in the living room? It is now 02:15. I have so far spent twelve minutes on this piece. The reason why there are only … {“Tools”, “Word Count”} 285 words, is because I usually only use two fingers to type, despite the fact that I spend hours behind the computer every day typing. From the bathroom I hear water dripping into an old bucket I placed under the cistern. The fan in my computer is making a noise. My left knee is pressing against the edge of the mahogany table. It is now 02:18, and I think I heard a vehicle outside. I think I just saw a mosquito. Except for the computer fan and the water dripping into the bucket, and the promise of a vehicle in the distance, there are no other sounds in this neighbourhood at the moment. Except of course also for the sound I am making on the keyboard as I type these words. On the table stands the Toshiba laptop, with a green cloth covering its screen, and a matching cloth covering the built-in keyboard (which doesn’t work anymore). Then there is the USB 2.0 Hub to which my new mouse, my printer and my 20-gigabyte portable hard drive are connected. Also on the table is the Monix monitor that still dates from my first computer purchase, a long, long time ago in 1999. Right in front of the monitor stands a 3M anti-glare filter that makes the screen a little darker, almost like a pair of sunglasses. Because the brackets of the filter broke off, already in 2000, it is held up by five old Chinese books packed on top of each other. Next to the monitor is a coffee or tea mug with Chinese calligraphy painted on. Inside the mug is a collection of pens and pencils. Most of the pens have no ink, and the pencils are blunt. There is also a hand fan in the mug, which I would have used to cool off my face if it were a hot night. Other items on the wooden table include my Citizen calculator (to calculate the words I have written over the past five years, as well as the money I should have saved), a large eraser, a green fluorescent pen, a black pen left by a friend in my apartment, my new blue mouse, a ball of putty-like adhesive, and a paper coaster on which I never place any beverages. Finally, there’s the mouse pad with a piece of white paper on which I use with the new mouse. I have on a pair of white Nike socks which I think was actually designed for gymnasts (or for people who do yoga), a pair of khaki shorts, a white T-shirt that advertises cheap whiskey, and a black sweatshirt, because it is indeed quite chilly in the evenings nowadays. My throat is slightly dry. My tea is finished. It is now 02:36 and I’ve already typed … 757 words.

I’m back. The first cigarette I lit broke off at the filter, so I had to light another one. While I was standing there I thought, “The Personal Agenda of Brand Smit” should actually be one book, not two as I have recently considered the case should be. Then I thought, no, it should be two books, but in a single volume: Book One and Book Two. (I forgot to mention that I am also wearing my blue beanie, not so much because it is so cold but because I think better when my head is warm.) Yes, two books in one. It should be a hefty book, a few hundred pages long. It should be thick enough so that you can use it to prop up a bracket-less anti-glare filter at the perfect height in front of a computer screen. It should also be heavy enough to use as a weapon on uninvited guests. It should, therefore, also be heavy enough to serve as a book stand, to support other books. (It’s much cooler now, or maybe it’s just my imagination. My knee is again pressing against the edge of the table, the fan is cooling down the computer again, the water is still dripping into the bucket, and I can still not make out whether there’s a car in the distance, or if it’s merely the computer’s fan making a car-like sound.) It is now one minute to three, on Monday morning, 15 December 2003. Next Thursday is Christmas. I have a tree, but it’s still in the spare room. I have already received three Christmas cards. Both of my sisters said they would send me cards, but I’m not optimistic that the people at the post office will understand what the romanized Chinese words mean that I spelled out to my sisters as my current address. They both may therefore receive their own Christmas cards back; which means they will have cards to display on their dining room tables which they did not mail to themselves, and for which I will partly be responsible. This year is almost over. This year is actually separated from next year by a mere millisecond, although I do already have a new calendar hanging behind the front door that will make it seem as if it is indeed a different year. (It is definitely a motorcar, even though the computer fan is also making a noise again.) I would have liked to ask a question in this piece, like what purpose does the life of the woman who works at the local supermarket serve, but I am getting tired of questions I cannot answer. Even to say that makes me tired, or depressed. I’d rather be tired than depressed because then I can always go to bed and wake up tomorrow morning and not be tired anymore. If, however, you’re depressed … I hope I can sell one of my projects before the end of the year. I will then surely return to the Republic of South Africa early next year. I was born in the Republic of South Africa. I understand two of the languages that are spoken in the Republic of South Africa. One can buy pecan nut pie at the Spar in the Republic of South Africa. You can also buy Afrikaans newspapers there. You do need a car, though, if you want to go from Middelburg to Bronkhorstspruit, or vice versa. You also need a car for other reasons. If a man is 32 years old and he doesn’t have a car, it wouldn’t make a difference that he has lived in Northeast Asia for seven years, nor would it matter that he can speak broken Chinese, or even that he has written a two-in-one book that can prop up a bracket-less anti-glare filter at just the right height against a computer monitor. All that will matter is that he does not have a car – which means he’s not much better than a tramp. It is now 03:15. My knee hurts, and I’m cold. In all honesty, I can continue working on this piece until it’s time to go to the 7-Eleven to buy milk and the morning edition. To write is a wonderful experience. It’s certainly better than watching TV. This kind of writing is also useful if you later forget that you had existed, and had been aware of your surroundings on Monday, 15 December 2003 between 02:03 and 03:19 in the morning. However, I must go to bed now; otherwise I might just get depressed. And if I get depressed, this piece will most certainly lose its spark. So I solemnly say “Good night” – and I promise I will write again, tomorrow. I can say this with complete confidence, though: I am glad I’m a writer, and not an accountant or a dentist. I’m also glad it’s winter and not summer. Finally, I am glad I’m not Saddam Hussein, who may be ordered to shave off his beard.

______________________

The correct answer, and what to do with my exercise bike

My job is not to fix cars, or to calculate income and expenses for local businesses. My job is not to heal the sick, to sooth toothache, or to design or construct buildings and other infrastructure.

My job is to write. And it should be evident from the examples I have chosen that I don’t think my work is better or more important or more valuable than any of many examples that could be listed. The point is simply that my job is not to do the work that other people are doing in the above examples. My job is, once again, to write.

(It makes me wonder whether I should be so bothered with a planned future. I do have to go back to South Africa, though, even if only for a few months, because of my parents and my sisters, and to transfer my possessions to a country where I don’t need annual permission to stay.)

I don’t like regret. It’s also often too easy to say in retrospect that certain actions you launched and certain decisions you made were incorrect. However, to admit that I should never have taken steps that amounted to me settling down permanently in Taiwan, would, I believe, be very sensible.

I arrived with two suitcases and a grocery bag or two. I should have been able to leave at any time during the past five years with two suitcases, a bag or two, and maybe a few extra boxes that I could have send back to South Africa by boat. The reality is that I am now confronted with a whole apartment full of furniture, of which I wouldn’t mind keeping a few pieces. I also have musical instruments, fitness equipment, five shelves full of books, and about thirty boxes of junk.

Now, it’s not that I’m sitting here with the logistical headache of how to fit an antique cabinet or an exercise bike in my two suitcases, or any other way of shipping my material possessions to South Africa. The problem is that I started cultivating and living the lifestyle here that I said back in Korea I wanted to live in South Africa. In other words, I got the lifestyle right; it’s just the environment that is wrong. This is the reconfiguration I have to make.

Also important to mention, I have no desire to spend the rest of my life in a 20-square-kilometre piece of South Africa, and to never allow the words “Northeast Asia” to slip out of my mouth again. South Africa is the country of my birth. It is where my family is. It is where the language of my heart is spoken by children and adults in schools, churches and in supermarkets. My place is in South Africa. It is also where my books, my pictures, my exercise bike, my antique cabinet, my wall hangings and my ornaments should be. Northeast Asia is where I can do part-time work on six-month or one-year contracts, where a language is spoken that I’m trying to master, and where you can spend a few months at a time when it is your job to write and not to design cars or to fix teeth.

If “location” was the question, “South Africa” would be the answer. If “work” was the question, “writing” would be the answer. If “Northeast Asia” was the question, “adventure, part-time work, study and writing” would be the answer.

In terms of my actual daily life I currently answer incorrectly on just one of these questions, and that is the first one. Without planning it that way, for the past five years I have been presenting “Taiwan” as an answer by default when “place” was the question. At times I just suspected this answer was incorrect, and at other times I knew it was. The past more than a year was one of the times I went to bed every night and woke up every morning almost without exception with the firm belief that “Taiwan” was the wrong answer – that I was living out the wrong answer every time I was writing at my antique cabinet, or staring at a wall hanging, or pulled a book from a shelf, or threw a quick glance in the direction of my exercise bike with a guilty conscience, and I knew what lie outside my front door was not Stellenbosch or Pretoria, or Middelburg, or Bronkhorstspruit.

This frustration is the one that I must overcome. This is the matter to which I should make an adjustment to be able to live what I believe to be the correct “answer”. Even if my exercise bike, my wall hangings, and my antique cabinet are in a storage room in South Africa, and I’m still in Northeast Asia.

______________________

Old heroes stand, some fall, and posters are changed

THURSDAY, 11 DECEMBER 2003

Introduction

I don’t watch TV anymore. I’d like to say it is because I think it’s a waste of time and that I can use that hour or three more productively by playing FreeCell on the computer. But what happened was that I had not paid in advance for my cable TV when I went to South Africa in July, and the lady who always came by to collect the money had my cable disconnected. The reason I haven’t had it turned on again is indeed political. I watched more CNN than any other channel and I couldn’t listen to one more word from George W. Bush and his chief warlord Donald Rumsfeld.

What I do now to make my breakfast more entertaining is to read. I recently recovered a book by L. S. Stavrianos from a friend who had borrowed it two years ago, and I thought it would make for pleasant reading material on an empty stomach. The title of the book is The World Since 1500 – A Global History. It includes chapters on the Renaissance, Protestantism, the Ottoman Empire, and the discovery by Western seafarers of countries they did not know existed. There is also a chapter on Europe’s scientific, industrial and political revolutions, and how they shaped the world we now call our own.

The Philosophes

A good history book sometimes leads to insights into your own life, how it came about that you live as you live, think like you think and believe what you believe. So it was the morning I came to the Enlightenment.

Along with my Australian oats, American muesli, and two other breakfast cereals I combined with the first two, I took in that the lead characters in the Enlightenment were the so-called Philosophes. This group, so I learned, should not be confused with academic philosophers. The Philosophes were not profound or systematic thinkers in any field. They were mainly literary figures, populists who had come from the journalistic rather than the academic fields.

The two main ideas of this group were Progress and Reason. They believed that human life slowly but surely improved as time went on, so that each generation lived better lives than the previous generation. How could this continual progress be maintained? By people using their reasoning ability.

These advocates of progress were generally opposed to the existing order. They wrote plays, novels, essays and versions of history to popularise their ideas, and to illustrate the need for change.

The Philosophes were strongly influenced by the findings of the English physicist and mathematician Sir Isaac Newton. They believed, as Newton had demonstrated, that there were natural laws that not only regulated nature, but also human society. Based on this conviction, they applied reason to all areas of life in order to determine the natural laws that governed how things worked. People, institutions and traditions were subjected to the test of rationality.

This group of populists developed a set of revolutionary principles through which they proposed a complete reorganisation of society. In the field of economy their motto was “laissez-faire” – which meant that people should be allowed to undertake whatever economic activities they deemed good. The Scottish economist and philosopher Adam Smith argued in 1776 in his book An Inquiry Into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations that individuals were motivated by self-interest when it came to economic activities, and that every man knew and understood his own interests better than any officer of the state.

In the field of religion, the Philosophes were strongly opposed to religious fanaticism and intolerance. Some became atheists, and felt that religion was nothing more than a tool in the hands of the state. Others were more agnostic in their belief, and reckoned they could not acknowledge or deny the existence of God. The majority were deists who acknowledged the existence of God, and that he was responsible for the creation of the universe. However, they insisted that after creation God allowed the world to operate according to certain natural laws, and that he does not interfere in the natural course of things.

The big idea in the field of politics was the Social Contract. One of the more famous Philosophes, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, believed that this contract is an agreement between equals, unlike the English philosopher John Locke who believed that government was a political contract between rulers and those over which they ruled. Rousseau, in his work of 1762, The Social Contract, described government as a “commission”. He furthermore believed that revolution was a justifiable action whereby people could reclaim their rightful power.

These ideas about economics, religion and politics were in conflict with the established institutions and practices of the day. In contrast to existing ideas, the Philosophes thought of themselves as members of the human race rather than Frenchmen or Europeans. Their focus was on the determination of social principles that could be applied universally, like Newton’s principles of the natural world.

That was my first big breakfast discovery. I hit my left palm with my right fist and yelled at the neighbour across the alley, “I always knew I was someone’s child!”

The Philosophes were populists. I consider myself not so much academically inclined as being focused on what is of practical value for the man and woman in the street.

The Philosophes opposed the traditional institutions and practices of their day. Of course! I’m an infant compared to wig-wearing veterans like Rousseau, but I too make faint noises against the traditional institutions and practices of my time.

Even in terms of religion, I’d rather have tea with atheists, or go bowling with agnostics and deists than with suburban evangelicals – except for the odd suburban evangelical who would also rather hang out with dissidents.

I also believe that it is possible for every generation to have better prospects than the one that preceded them, if everyone uses their heads.

All the ideas I want to propagate so enthusiastically thus originated long before my time. That is what I’ve always suspected, and I knew this or that, but now I can add dates and names to the foundations of my own beliefs.

However, the economic principles of the Enlightened should have given me a foretaste of what would give my breakfast a sour taste on a morning soon to follow.

A nasty truth: Is who I really am, who I think I am not, and is who I think I am in direct contradiction with who I really am?

A few days later – and a few decades later in my history book, I was sitting with a bowl of breakfast mix and a cup of black coffee ready to start another day with a brief history lesson. The first great political revolutions of the Western world over for the time being, I came to the three major ideologies that would lead to more rebellion and change – nationalism, liberalism and socialism.

At this point it is important to mention that for the past decade I have been of the opinion that I am somewhat of a socialist. If it were just a game of opinion, I would have waved my flag for the Bolsheviks rather than the czar in 1917, for Mao Zedong and his Red Army rather than the nationalists of Chiang Kai-shek in the Chinese civil war, Fidel Castro rather than Batista in 1959, and definitely for Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels rather than for the exploiters of men, women and children in amongst other places the factories of nineteenth-century England. (The reality that would sour people’s lives within a few years in Bolshevik Russia, Red China under Mao, Cuba under Castro and many other so-called socialist republics is an entirely different story.)

I see myself as more liberal than conservative. But what do these labels of identity mean in historical context?

To call yourself a liberal means, according to definition, that you commit yourself to the idea of emancipation of the individual from limitations laid down by class, company or government. Okay, so far my breakfast tastes as good as any other day, and I am nodding my head as I once again see my own face in the text in front of me.

The next sentence, however, compelled me to reach for my bitter black coffee: “[The rise of liberalism] was intimately related to the rise of the middle class [and] it has remained essentially a middle-class movement in its theory and source of support.” (Own emphasis)

“What does this mean?” I cried out in panic. “Am I middle-class just because I consider myself a liberal rather than a conservative, and because I believe in the emancipation of the individual?”

The history of liberalism seemed increasingly bleak the further I read.

Liberalism in England in the seventeenth century served middle-class interests. The American constitution – a liberal document according to the measure of the time – was carefully drafted to protect and promote the interests of the class of property owners. Even the French Revolution, which was more radical in their liberal principles, was mainly focused on the interests of the French middle class!

The liberalism that took shape during the English, American and French Revolutions were focused on equal civil rights, and not necessarily equal political and social rights.

Liberalism, however, could not remain unchanged. The working masses – those whose hands and faces were dirty at the end of a long workday – increasingly flexed their muscles as a result of an increase in literacy, and also as a result of trade union organisation. Classical liberalism had to make way for a somewhat more democratic version over the course of a century or so. One result was that most men, at least, had the right at the end of the nineteenth century to draw a cross on a ballot paper.

The principle of laissez-faire – a central idea of the Enlightened of the eighteenth century that suited the middle class so well in the nineteenth century – also had to be adjusted. The policy of minimal interference from government in economic affairs did not look good in the face of the bitter daily reality of the working class. Civil rights and voting rights did not initially have much effect on poverty and social distress caused by low wages, long working days, unemployment, disease and old age. The workers therefore began to use their voting rights and trade union organisation to present their case for social reforms.

This process led to a new set of ideas called democratic liberalism – and leaders who preached that the state is responsible for all its citizens, not just the middle class. (The reforms of this time would eventually lead to the welfare state of the current era.)

Despite the new, more humanistic jacket liberalism started wearing since the late nineteenth century, it lost its lustre among the ideologies of the day. The main reason for this was that the advocates of the new movement had failed to win sufficient support amongst the growing working class.

Why on earth would the men and women of the dust-and-soot class not embrace democratic liberalism? Why would they not welcome it as the best policy they would ever get in their miserable lives? The reason was a new ideology, pleasant on their tongues like hot soup that would make a starving man hope for better days on a winter morning – and believe it, too! Workers increasingly gave their support and their votes to different socialist tendencies. This development pushed the liberals in several countries in between the conservatives on the right and the socialists on the left.

* * *

What does this all have to do with me?

If you don’t have a problem with the middle stratum of the industrialised world and the kind of life that is usually associated with it, all of this history might be nothing more than mildly interesting reading material. My dilemma is that I have carefully crafted an identity and put together an accompanying personal doctrine to the effect that I am opposed to many aspects of middle-class existence – or then my own sometimes one-dimensional portrait of it. At one time or another since my university days I also came to the conclusion that my anti-middle class sentiments made me a supporter of socialism. I have therefore increasingly associated myself with the “working class” – because of my own background and my personal lifestyle, and in terms of my personal politics.

I was always aware of the contradictions. The “workers” in my own family are primarily interested in a stable middle-class life, and they shift around uncomfortably – on couches they were only too happy to buy on credit – when I speak of a year or two in Taiwan and how much money they can save if they ever decided to try something along those lines. “Real” workers care more for a stable labour situation, and dream of perhaps a better car. I am willing to give up comfort and many pleasures of life as long as I can give free expression to my experience of reality and don’t have to call anyone “Boss”. “Real” workers, or then at least the ones with whom I have personal contact, mostly accept the world as it is – which is not to say that they don’t also want to be rich and free, and feel the need to mock the “Boss” behind his back every now and then.

The crux of the matter here is my own identity, how I think I fit in the polychrome landscape of socio-economic classes and political and economic ideologies and associated labels, and how a combination of beliefs makes it possible to operate successfully in modern society.

The hammer shatters the mirror

As already mentioned, for the past few years I have increasingly thought of myself as “left-wing”, and as “working class” rather than “middle class”. To provide more clarity on how I see myself, a few years ago I started quoting with great enthusiasm what Noam Chomsky once said: “Classical liberal tradition in the eighteenth century [stated that] at the root of human nature is the need for free, creative work under one’s own control. That must be at the basis of any decent society.”[1]

I definitely believe in the right of individuals to make their own case and to express themselves as they deem fit (as long as no one else suffers much damage). I also believe in the right of every person to strive for fulfilment of the inherent need for creative work under their own control.

Until recently, if I had to look at myself in the mirror to ask about my own name and place in the Greater Landscape, I could proudly recite: “I’m a classical liberal, with a strong affinity for socialist ideas.” (And then, seeing that I was staring into the mirror, I’d flex my biceps ever so slightly to ponder the possibility of joining other members of the working class in lifting a crate onto a truck.)

It was a great shock, therefore – and even more unpleasant than the first shock of the relationship between classical liberalism and the middle class – when I read this morning that socialism is the great antithesis of classical liberalism! How can my one set of beliefs be the exact opposite of my other set of beliefs?

According to Mr Stavrianos, liberalism emphasises the individual and his or her rights. Socialism places the emphasis on the community, and on collective welfare. Liberals see society as the product of natural laws. Socialists believe that people can set up their own social system and associated relationships through the use of rational thought and action. They further believe that human nature is largely the product of the social system in which people are born, in which they grow up and in which they live and work as adults.

According to these principles, socialists believe that the evils of the world could be eliminated through the establishment of a society that is focused on promoting collective welfare rather than personal gain, and by encouraging cooperation among the population rather than competition.

The emphasis of socialism therefore lies in the larger community rather than the individual – and in comprehensive planning and management of social change rather than in allowing things to develop naturally.

Dazed and choking on my dry porridge and cold coffee, I also read about Plato who thought a dictatorship of philosophers could save the world, about Utopian Socialists who worked out comprehensive plans and principles for model communities, and, of course, about Karl Marx which differed from the Utopians in that he studied the historical evolution and functioning of the existing capitalist world, and came to the conclusion that capitalism would be smashed to pieces by the hammer of workers in a class struggle that would establish a socialist society.

The hammer had already smashed my identity to smithereens, and the sickle had ripped my careful planning of how I fit in the world to tatters. Am I, after all these years, after all the pieces I wrote in scorn and fear of the middle class, after the neat puzzle that I had cut and fit to explain how I fit into the larger reality, forced to admit what I have always feared? Am I middle class?

Epilogue

I don’t read my history book anymore. Or, I’ve stopped reading it every morning with breakfast. I could certainly argue it is because detailed information about ideologies made me think twice about my place in society. What actually happened was that I had reached the end of a chapter, and I could no longer ignore the stack of unread newspapers beside my chair.

What do the details in this essay matter if a large percentage of the world population does not even receive sufficient education to understand the difference between the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries? Does it matter whether I have a poster of Karl Marx or Jean-Jacques Rousseau on my wall if more than half of the world population have not had a proper meal to eat today?

I feel a bit self-conscious about my obsession with identity and my place in the world, and as a result an interest in the development of the ideology of “free work under one’s own control”. Are these things important for anyone else? Does this so-called literary project of mine barely have half a chance of a place on anyone’s bookshelf because the average reader can’t read Tom Clancy or Stephen King every day? Does everyone know more or less where they fit in society? Will someone one day pause between meetings and business lunches to tap me on the shoulder and say, “We all think about these things, we just don’t have time to brood about it constantly”?

Why does it matter how and where I fit in the Greater Whole? It matters because no one can operate above a primitive level if they do not know how and where they fit in.

I still don’t know how and where I fit in. The reasons why I don’t know … well, that’s what I’ve been trying to explain in the hundreds of pages that form part of this project.

(I can always confine myself to a reduced reality where it would be easier to make sense of things, and where my role and function would be better defined, or easier to define. The thing is, my current world is already quite limited. If I reduce it even more, I can just as well become a member of a religious cult, or start one.)

One would like to say, “Even if you don’t know the correct academic formulation of your place in society, surely you know the difference between yourself and a poor man or woman who suffers in the slums of Kolkata, or Lagos, or even Johannesburg?”

Fair enough. But what exactly is the difference? I eat more, and more frequently. I sleep in a comfortable bed every night. If I get sick, I can go to a doctor. I don’t have a car, but I have a bicycle. I don’t own the property that I currently mark with my posters and which I have populated with my furniture and which I fill with my physical presence, but if I don’t live in this apartment, there are other apartments where I can close a door behind me in the evenings.

But it is also true that I do not write these words in the country where I have a natural right to live. I live in this country because I make a profit for businesses that sell English classes to parents of mainly primary school children. I have permission from the authorities to live here as long as I continue to meet the requirements on which they agreed to my presence on this island. If I no longer fulfil my prescribed labour role in this place, I have to leave.

Should I find myself back in the country where I do have a birthright to make myself at home, the answer to the question of the difference between me and a homeless person in any city in the world will initially be the same: I will eat every day, sleep comfortably, and so on. However, I would only be able to take these differences for granted if I were in a drunken stupor and not thinking beyond my bed in someone’s guest room.

“If it’s to a large extent a matter of a job and an income, you still have your qualifications,” someone will again venture an opinion. “Surely it wouldn’t be too difficult for you to get a job in any major city in your own country, right?”

It is as follows: It is certainly possible for me to find someone somewhere to whom I can sell my time. Just a pity that I have eaten of the fruit of creative freedom. Just a pity that I’m aware of the effect that the Industrial Revolution has had on contemporary labour relations, and of the value of the individual as a cog in corporate machinery. If only I could forget about all these things, and while I’m busy doing that, also misplace the memories of first-hand experience of how a middle-class life can go wrong, I’d be able to start from scratch; I might accept a much more modest fate that probably would befall me; I would probably even be grateful for the quality of life that I could call my own in the face of so many people who eat dust before they get comfortable in their storm drainage pipes for the night.

This brings us to a good point in this essay to ask one last question: Do I owe it to the beggars, the street children, and countless others who live less fortunate lives than me to stop writing unpublishable, self-centred material and instead get a job?

* * *

Thousands of words were tossed about in this piece, dates and names were piled together, and as part of the process many bowls of cereal were swallowed down with many cups of coffee, all with seemingly one goal in mind: to solve the question of what ideological label I, the author of this piece, can carry with credibility and conviction.

I almost lost my appetite the morning when I discovered what central role the classical liberals played in the conquest of the world by the middle class – a socio-economic grouping from which I have been running for years (even if I myself crack the whip behind me as I’m fleeing). So many of the classical liberal ideas are exactly the kind of thoughts with which I soothe myself to sleep at night! What to do with such a nasty contradiction?

On the other hand was the equally unpleasant discovery that I have been misidentifying myself as a “socialist”. In my defence I can state that this identification was probably motivated by nothing other than the fact that they were the biggest and strongest gang who also spit in the direction of the middle class. Just a pity that, in addition to this antagonism against the bourgeoisie, socialists also believe that individuals should be willing to sacrifice their own dreams and ambitions, their individuality, free creative expression of their experience of reality, and sometimes even their lives for the welfare of the community, and ultimately for the welfare of the state.

I respect the intellectual talents of people like Marx and Lenin, and I think that they really did have empathy for the common man, woman and child in dirty slums, soul-crushing factories and dusty villages. I also think – although many lives were destroyed in the process – that one can even have respect for the dedication and determination with which the Bolsheviks sought to transform the largest political unit in the world, on the basis of a set ideas that many of them truly believed would lead to a more equitable system for the majority of the population.

I cannot ignore the role of classical liberalism in the excesses of the Industrial Revolution and in the accompanying development of the contemporary middle class. Likewise, I cannot mutter something else during the Creed of Communists where they recite that “If the state wants you to work ten hours a day in a factory, you should do it because it would be good for the welfare of the community.” (“Plus, you’re only a meaningless piece of the bigger picture that won’t be missed if you should disappear in the middle of the night.”)

Do I owe it to any Community of Classical Liberals to be a good Classic Liberal? Do I owe it to any contemporary Communist to be a good Socialist or Communist? If I wanted to hang these labels around my neck to be accepted as part of a group, it might be necessary for me to recite their creeds. If group membership is not my first priority, I can continue to claim for myself what I deem fit from all these ideologies, and from the personal contributions of the leaders of the accompanying movements.

I still believe, like Jean-Jacques Rousseau and his peers, that natural laws make the world go round – so to speak; also that if people just use their common sense, we can create a better world for all of us and our descendants. I also believe in the right of the individual to give free, creative expression to his or her personal experience of reality, whether the community or the state likes it or not, as long as it does not inhibit the right of others to do the same. I will also continue to tip my hat for people like Marx and Lenin who earnestly and sincerely committed their lives to contemplating a better, more just world, and for taking action to bring about such a world – even if the results of their efforts did not turn out as they had hoped.

What “heroes” will I honour from now on if I want to hang a poster behind a door, in order to better illustrate my identity and place in the world? Here’s a suggestion: a coal sketch of myself, with a bushy beard, an eighteenth-century French wig with grey curls, and on top of the wig a Russian conductor’s cap, circa 1917.

[1] Noam Chomsky, Secrets, Lies and Democracy

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A thought brews in my head, part two

MONDAY, 8 DECEMBER 2003

A thought started brewing in my head somewhere in the first part of October. I could claim that I’ve thought of nothing other than of this egg waiting in its nest since then, but this idea is one of those that hatch in phases. I’m only now, in the first part of December, ready to tap the other end of the egg in the hope that the whole truth will come screaming out of its shell.

My question last time around: Do I still keep a familiar template regarding my future in the back of my mind? I have already to a large extent written what I had wanted to say, and I am running the risk of regurgitating the same politics, to once again dish it up as something new I just needed to add.

I’ve been planning for quite some time now to wrap up this unpublishable collection of pieces, stuff all my cash in a small plastic bag and head back to South Africa. Having arrived, I’ll do this and that, print name cards that state who I am, why I want to spend my time in that particular town, and how I reckon I fit into the community – in terms that my fellow townspeople will understand. Within a few weeks, I’ll be a local resident recognised and greeted warmly every Saturday afternoon when I go to the local golf course to collect old balls from the rough to sell for bread and tobacco.

Long before I’ll start missing Taiwanese women and deep-fried octopus, I will sit down to dinner with the daughter of one of the town’s most prominent leftists. Shortly thereafter she will be most delighted that someone like me will want to get married to her, since she can only play five operas on the piano; she often loses her temper for social injustice, and her mother always says she’s way too smart to ever find a decent man and has much too keen a sense of humour to be taken seriously by any serious-minded poet or wealthy engineer.

And so my life will continue according to the conventional model. The in-laws will sometimes feel compelled to make excuses about my so-called lost decade, when “he went to the Far East to teach English and write and so on”. I will, however, be where most citizens of the Middle Cosmos once only dreamed they would end up – married, home, work, kids, lawn mower …

I know I make myself guilty of stereotypes. I know life in the middle stratum of society is no Scout camp or Sunday school picnic. I know all people, middle-class or not, desire a proper roof over their heads. I know everyone tries their best to scrape together enough money each month to keep their souls contained within their skins. And I understand, to hold your own child in your arms changes how you view things, in ways you would never have guessed.

Still I wonder: Is the ideal of a middle-class existence on the cards for every adult person in the developed world? What, to ask the inevitable follow-up question, are the alternative models of a successful, happy, fulfilling adult life?

One difficulty in answering this question is the definition of a middle-class existence. There are also factors that make an answer different for different people – social reality, cultural expectations, and perceptions of what it means to be a successful adult, all play a role.

Since this is not academic material and because I am not in a position to write about anybody else’s life, the axe once again splits the stump at my own front door. What then, would be the alternative for me, or at least for someone in my position? I am 32 years old. I own no property and I don’t even have a car. The few pieces of furniture I call my own fill up an apartment in Northeast Asia. I have the equivalent of a few thousand rand in the bank; I believe credit cards are diabolical; I have no documentation of a fixed income with which I can convince a bank manager to give me a home loan, and I have a stubborn tendency that drives me to write what I want to write regardless of whether it can be published, even when I should, in all honesty, be taking steps to earn more money.

What are my options if I do not qualify for the standard ideal of a middle-class family man? What are my options if conservative, middle-class criteria of what an “adult” ought to be doing with his life – as espoused by my own parents, my sisters, and friends whom I regard for various reasons as important – freely swing above my head?

TUESDAY, 9 DECEMBER 2003

To get married and have children is more than just a lifestyle choice – it is, and probably has always been, across all cultural divides and historical periods, the primary requirement to qualify as a full-fledged adult member of the community.

Obviously no one doubts your ability to make choices and take responsibility for your own actions if you are older than 21, and even more so if you have already reached the Big Three. But it’s one of those cases where people will say, “Yes, you’re old enough to join the conversation, but …,” and then they don’t know how to complete the sentence.

A friend recently asked me – unaware that it is also one of my current pet issues, when I think one’s parents regard you as an adult, as a fully matured “one of us”. My question is: when do not only your parents, but the wider community regard you as an adult one of them? A preliminary answer has already been offered – marriage and children (and if you qualify for a loan, you can add purchasing your first residential property).

Which brings us back to my question of last night: Let’s say marriage-and-children is not your choice, or it just doesn’t work out for you, then what? Will you get treated as a second-class adult until you’re eighty? Will adults who do qualify to be considered as such according to the above criteria become annoyed if you want to raise an opinion on “adult issues” such as children and the educational process? Will they cut you short with a “You don’t know because … you just don’t know”?

(Incidentally, the three things – buying property, getting married, and having children – are regularly mentioned in one breath as milestones that qualify one as an adult. But even if you don’t own property, even if you are divorced or have never been married, what truly matters is whether you know the responsibility of taking care of your own child. This, more than anything else, is the Golden Unwritten Requirement.)

Of course, there are exceptions to the rule; people who never produce and/or raise their own children who are well respected as full-fledged adults. The best examples I can think of is the Catholic Pope and the majority of Catholic priests. This group is, in fact, respected because they voluntarily relinquish the joy (and responsibility) of their own children so they may serve the Church and their faith community according to their doctrines. Same goes for the Dalai Lama and Buddhist monks. One could almost say that full-time members of these religious communities and other similar communities have special waivers that allow them to be treated as full-fledged adults without having satisfied conventional qualifications for proper adulthood.

What about other adults who fall outside the conventional criteria? Where do the adults fit in who find themselves in mental institutions or those who sleep on the streets and are labelled, “homeless bums”? Nobody seriously expects adults in mental institutions to act or to function as adults (some are possibly even locked up in the fear that they do conceive children), and homeless people are in general not deemed good enough for any anything other than maybe a few coins and a short sermon in the parking lot. But do they still fit in, in a way, as adult members of society? They are not quite treated as children, and in some cases are expected to take responsibility for their actions, so … shall we settle it for the moment by calling them “semi-adults”?

To come back to my particular situation: If I were a homeless, mentally unstable priest calling myself “Pope”, I would have fallen in the semi-adult category, although I could still have claimed exemption from conventional qualifications because of my priesthood. But because I’m not mentally unstable, homeless, a priest or a monk, and because I also do not have children, I find myself in a special group: unmarried, single, working adults who according to the standards espoused by many do not qualify for full adult status.

Does it bother me? It annoys more than it bothers. I consider myself a full-fledged adult, but if the requirements of children and possibly property are taken into account, I am not necessarily going to be treated as a full-fledged adult by people who do meet these requirements.

I can throw this whole debate over to the other side and say that there are many adults who can write “Parent” on their identity cards, but who I would regard as … shall we just say, underdeveloped by my own measure of adult opinions and conduct.

Now that I think about it, shouldn’t there be something like a credit system? Should one not receive credit for well-worked out opinions about mature issues that are relevant to all adults; credit that will make up for the lack of credit others receive for intimate first-hand knowledge of parenting, even though they may not have so many well developed opinions on other relevant matters? The answer is probably negative. Parent-adults have the broad community on their side. Fair and well if you have worked out your version of the meaning of life and issues of identity and the role of belonging in one’s life, and if you’re able to express these things in mature vocabulary worthy of a full-fledged adult; what matters, though, is whether you have children or not.

How will it change my opinion if I do one day hold my own child in my arms? I would like to say that my opinion will not change. It will still annoy me when someone believes that I can now join in the conversation when it comes to children, “because you are now a father, yourself”. A person is a full-fledged adult because they have reached a mature age, because they know how to function as an adult, and because they take responsibility for their own actions in the community in which they find themselves. I do not need children of my own to be defined as an adult, and I don’t need children of my own to express an opinion on the subject of raising children.

(Are there people who, consciously or unconsciously, are motivated to have children just so that they can qualify as “real” adults in their community? I believe there are.)

This piece has made a few turns I had not originally considered. (I don’t plan my writing anyway. I mostly write what I would otherwise have been telling myself out loud, wait for a title to present itself and call the end result “a piece”). I think I originally wanted to know if I only have one option for the future, namely to go back to South Africa, earn money, buy a house, get married and have children.

I still wanted to mention alternatives at some point, like the guy who lives in Hong Kong for twenty years, who can speak fluent Chinese, travel a lot each year, who produces loads of literary material (both publishable and unpublishable), and who will be known as the “eccentric uncle from the East” by his nephews and nieces.

However, I believe the issue of how full-fledged, respectable adulthood is defined, was the deeper issue behind the original idea that had been brewing in my head.

POSTSCRIPT

The problem addressed in this piece was that people who qualify according to certain criteria are treated as “mature adults”. If you are old enough to qualify by default even though you do not meet these “benchmarks of adulthood”, you are still accepted as a fellow adult, but you are often reminded in subtle ways that you do not meet a few critical requirements.

It was only much later that I thought of something else. Is it not true that people will, in many cases, find anything to cast themselves in a better light? If the other adult is not married and/or has not produced any offspring, they will find it in that. Then they will keep pounding this issue into infinity. If it’s not that, then it will be about the other person’s job or career, or their children who make too much noise, or “astonishingly poor taste in home decor considering they have so much money”.

Surely it is naïve to expect that you will get the same response from other adults at the table when the conversation is about fighting crime in the local district, when the other adults reside in that area and you live in a crime-free enclave in Scandinavia. Or that your opinion will necessarily carry the same weight if the conversation is about the education of children when you don’t have any children. Same goes for a conversation about marital problems if you have never been married.

However, some adults will always keep standards, hand-picked and custom crafted, that cast their own lives in a better light. For this reason, adults who believe in their own value despite the sometimes biased opinions of other adults will find it easier to get on with making a success of their adult existence, regardless of their own relationship status and property portfolio, and despite a possible utter lack of desire or even inability to have children.

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Taking stock, 4 December 2003

Okay, let me just write everything down again. It’s Thursday, 4 December 2003 at twenty minutes past eleven in the morning. I’m listening to Tom Waits’ Rain Dogs, the winter sun is warming up outside, and I’m waiting for my pot of tea to cool off so I can take a smoke break. Life is all right. I have 67,000 Taiwan dollars in the bank, and about 11,000 in the drawer. I also have three tea bags in the can, and I would say about fifteen cigarettes.

Some time ago I put forth the “Middelburg Plan” with so much passion that my voice started cracking. I thought: sell a series of English children’s books for a million, or a quarter. Then I throw my 32 boxes and my 9 pieces of furniture in a 20-foot container, and plant my heels into a linoleum floor in Middelburg for R895 per month. Yippee, finally.

Then I browsed around on the websites of some local publishers of language textbooks. Lights that warned of naïve ignorance flashed like police sirens: Writers of English textbooks rarely march out of a publisher’s office with cash checks in their hands after overwhelming the publisher with the results of a few months’ labour. The process, unfortunately, requires a little more patience.

But now, am I a businessman or a writer? I’m a writer, but I would very much like to be a businessman because I need money to go home.

My question is, if I live in South Africa and I need to do five hours of work on the computer for my business, and I get back from the Shoprite with an essay in my head that would take me two hours to write, what would I do?

I want to be a businessman, and not just for the cash with which I can buy plane tickets and container space. I want to win a round against people whispering behind their hands, “Shame, he’s a writer – or at least he tries to be one. He doesn’t know about things like paying bills and credit cards and money like us grown-ups.” I know it’s a personal matter I’ve written to pieces to a large extent, but I still need to … prove to perhaps none other than myself that I can talk about money with the same skill as about “the meaning of life”.

Do I want my bread with peanut butter on both sides? I know it’s frowned upon … but if I can just make enough for a plane ticket and a little space in that container.

I am a writer. I know this, because I’m sitting here on Thursday, 4 December writing a note to myself, whilst knowing full well I have work to do with profit in the pipeline.

Time for a plan. I am currently executing the plan of early August when I thought it was a brilliant idea to cancel two-thirds of my classes and just focus on “Business!” and Chinese studies. Then I moved to an even older apartment, wrote another million pages on “identity and place” and thought up business ideas (read: other types of writing) that can make me a ton of money as soon as possible.

Nightmares about perpetual exile, and dreams of barbecues and people who speak Afrikaans and Zulu opened my eyes to a combination of Plans A and B: continue with what I write, and teach enough classes for single-digit months to go home in single-digit months. If it is with profit from some business idea, fine. If not, then with money from another source.

The struggle will continue. My sword is sharp enough for any challenge.

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