On the next generation: Introduction

[A sometimes foul-mouthed rant about wanting to become a father – or not.]

SUNDAY, 5 OCTOBER 2003

I should not have children. Not now, anyway. I’m too tense, too wound up about life. It took me ten years just to say: “Okay, I think I’ve got it sorted out. I now have the recipe! Now I just need to bake the cake and hope others find it edible. Or I hope at least I reckon it tastes okay, otherwise I’d have to try again.”

How do I expect to be a father figure to children?! An uncle to nephews and nieces, yes. I’ll be a good uncle, the kind who knows and understand things my brother’s-in-law may not know or understand. But I’m afraid I’ll be the type of father of whom my own son will say to his friend: “I wish my father was more like yours. My father is so anxious about everything. I hope I don’t turn out like him one day.”

My problem is, after all these years, I still look at myself in a middle-class mirror. Still! After all these years! And in this mirror I still find myself too insubstantial! “Already 32 … not married … nothing on the horizon … no house or car … still writing the same pieces over and over since you were 23.” Fuck everyone! Fuck the middle-class world that I still drag around my neck like a burning tyre! For once look at yourself in your own mirror and judge yourself according to your own criteria, not according to what you assume other people’s criteria are!

But it all falls flat because I shuffle embarrassedly through middle-class homes in my plastic sandals, because I don’t think I’m allowed to step on their carpets in better quality shoes! And I feel ashamed when I stand in their kitchens because I wish I also had a microwave oven!

Do I think it’s time to clear my throat and announce, “Ladies and gentlemen, you’re pissing against the wrong tree. I’m not one of you”?

Or am I? Is it not true that I also want to marry and have children at some point? But how can I reconcile that with my current ambitions, and with my anxiety about life and death?

It is indeed time that I crawl from my class closet and announce that a few things should be made clear, and fuck everyone basically, and that’s how it is, how it’s always been, and how it’s going to be tomorrow and next year too.

MONDAY, 6 OCTOBER 2003

Does what I said last night mean that I would prefer to be on my own for the rest of my earthly existence, or that I don’t want to make ten times more money than I presently do? No, to want someone in your life is essential for survival in this world, and that large amounts of capital can be a useful resource cannot be ignored.

Particularly good reasons can be pointed out why I should continue to strive for companionship with another person and for financial independence. Striving towards these things so I can say to my contemporaries, “Look friends, I am now one of you!” is, however, not one of the reasons I’ll be pointing to. If the friends don’t want to play, they can go to hell.

TUESDAY, 7 OCTOBER 2003

Because I want to have children. That is why I still give weight to people’s criticism and negative opinions about me that would otherwise not matter. After all the left-wing politics, after all the talk about creative and personal freedom, there is one thing I can’t fit into my current lifestyle: the ideal of a Good Father who gives his children the best he possibly can, and who sometimes sacrifices his own preferences and ambitions for his children.

Why would the possibility of having my own children one day make me vulnerable to criticism regarding my choice of a lifestyle? Because, to be a Good Dad, I need money. I firmly believe that a father who can’t afford to look after his children will always have a problem looking his children, his wife, his neighbours, his friends, relatives, other people in the community with whom he differs in many respects, and finally himself in the eyes.

Am I good enough to be a father figure to children? I have always believed I am, or could be one day, because I reckon my experience as a teacher has shown that I understand children to a certain extent, and that I get along with them well enough. I also know from experience that I can be strict when I need to be strict, conservative when I need to be conservative, and open-minded, tolerant and patient enough to let children be children.

The problem is, I suffer too much under my own fears and insecurities. I also have no record to show that I can carry the financial responsibility of taking care of a family – or at least to make a reasonable contribution with a salary-earning spouse. This leads me to only one conclusion: I don’t qualify to be a father figure at this stage of my life.

* * *

It does strike me though: Many of the things I’m unsure of have to do with the highest and most necessary evil of our civilisation: MONEY.

If my future does include the basic joys of a spouse and children, I would only be able to declare without reservation my convictions of personal freedom and creative independence, and my own understanding of ethics and morality, if I have enough money. Why? Regardless of how commendable your ideal of creative independence is, or how noble your understanding of ethics and morality, it won’t mean a damn thing if you cannot properly take care of your family.

* * *

The path I chose after university, the path I have been taking the last ten years, is not conducive to being a Family Man who meets my own exacting requirements for the role. These requirements are virtually identical to what is expected of a Good Father and Family Man of the Socio-economic Middle Class. As long as I have daydreams about becoming a family man one day, my own high expectations of myself for such a role would mean that I would tread lightly in middle-class company even as I criticise them; I would be intimidated by them even as I mock them.

The life I have been living the last ten years, the choices I have made and the results thereof, are suitable for the life of a single poet, writer and armchair philosopher. It is suitable for the eternal student of history, religion, philosophy and a language or three. Unless I get lucky, it is a life of loneliness that will most likely end in an early grave.

This is the life I have chosen for myself, for all practical purposes, and that I have to make worth living on a daily basis. This is the life in which I feel comfortable, that enables me emotionally to handle my fears and insecurities to some extent, and to even deal with it creatively.

This is also the life that is not conducive to the fulfilment of another ideal, namely to one day play the role of a Good Father and Family Man.

I have always wanted to be in a class of my own. At 32 years of age I can pat myself on the shoulder and say: “Congratulations, old buddy. Too bad you can’t be everything you want to be.”

Is that good enough? It must be, because this is my life.

______________________

Three incidents

THURSDAY, 2 OCTOBER 2003

Three recent incidents in my life have led to some interesting insights.

The first incident took place on a Thursday afternoon. On my way back from town, I bought myself a box of fried rice at one of my favourite eateries. A quarter of an hour later I was sitting in my new living room, watching Very Bad Things – with my mixture of fried rice, vegetables, shrimp and an egg cooked in tea, ready to be devoured. It should be mentioned that this is one of my favourite Taiwanese dishes. Since I was quite hungry from riding around all morning, the first few bites went down extremely well. Chewing with abandonment, I wanted to put the box down on the plastic tray in front of me for just a moment. Because my eyes were focused on Cameron Diaz – and I’m not even a fan! – I failed to notice the precarious position of the tray on the edge of the coffee table.

The next moment it happened. The tray knocked over, and suddenly I was sitting there with hot, freshly fried rice on my flip-flops, between my toes and of course, on the floor. Shocked and instantly despondent my eyelids closed in denial of what had just transpired more than for the usual contemplation.

For a moment, I imagined that it was just a horrible, twisted nightmare; that it didn’t actually happen; that I would open my eyes and continue to enjoy my rice with vegetables and shrimps like only a hungry man can. But I had to face the reality that my life is not a fictional story. I had to force myself to get up, shake the shrimps off my flip-flops, and continue with my life.

After a few minutes, I had recovered sufficiently from the shock to realise I could compensate myself with a box of Garlic Chicken Gratin and half dozen dumplings from the 7-Eleven. On the way to the store, I tried to piece together the puzzle of erroneous actions that had led to the unfortunate Fried Rice Episode. The coffee table on which the tray rested was overloaded with junk, so there wasn’t enough room for the tray; the table was too far from my seat; I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing; the electric fan was quietly blasting away at everything that could possibly be knocked over.

Twenty minutes later I was back in my living room with two packs of convenience store food (a pitiful substitute for fresh fried rice) and a valuable new insight to make the whole affair less unpleasant. I figured that some factors lead to a situation where things can go wrong in your life (in this case mainly the cluttered coffee table); on the other hand, certain factors lead to a situation where things can go right (a clean coffee table would have been an excellent example).

For the record, I can also say that I was deeply impressed – perhaps for academic reasons – by my sincere horror and disgust at the sight of fried rice on my floor, instead of on the way to my empty stomach.

* * *

The second incident occurred a few days later, with the Fried Rice Episode classified and packed away as a survivable event.

As I was exploring my new apartment, I discovered a storage space in the ceiling above the hallway between the living room and the bathroom. This space, I found after further investigation, could be reached from a small, partially hidden door in the spare room. I pulled up a plastic stool, opened the little door and scanned the dark, stuffy area. Old clothes, a hat with a feather, a useable looking briefcase, and various other signs of past human occupation of the apartment filled the space. Just as I was ready to step down from the stool – slightly disappointed at the discovery, except of course for the briefcase – I saw a light dimly flashing on-off, on-off against the opposite wall. I thought it might be a gem reflecting light, so I reached into the darkness. The item was still beyond my reach. I pulled myself halfway into the space, and leaned on a pile of black bags to edge closer. This time I could barely touch the object with the tip of my finger. That I may have stumbled upon something of value was evident, and I decided to pull my entire body in, with only my feet still dangling outside. Reclining on probably a decade’s worth of carefully collected junk, I grabbed at the item.

Fate, however, was on my case. As I tried to pull the object closer – which at that moment had developed an almost demonic red glow – the ceiling cracked under my weight. I remember that I uttered a fairly common swear word. I remember a bright flash of light. Then gravity kicked in, pulling me, several black bags, the briefcase and a portrait of two Chinese lovers down to what I had assumed will be the floor.

I was still screaming, with a black bag under one arm and the two Chinese lovers under the other, when I came to rest on a patch of soft, green grass. A waterfall, not far in the distance, pounded out a quiet rhythm on the rocks. I was obviously stunned. For a few moments I gazed straight ahead, trying to blink all the dust from my eyes. Then I got up, put the bag and the two lovers against a tree, and started walking downhill in the direction of the waterfall.

No fantasy could have prepared me for the sight of which I became an appreciative observer the next moment. There, under the waterfall, with bodies like mythical Greek goddesses were half a dozen beautiful young women! When they saw me – hiding behind a bush, they waved at me, laughing gaily, without even for a moment pretending to lay a hand on bosom …

Okay, not really. My sudden descend ended in a tree, in what I identified soon enough as Hai Feng Gong Yuan (Sea Breeze Park), a few blocks from my new apartment. The inside of the tree was shaped like a funnel, which was a most fortuitous coincidence. I sat for a moment in the middle of the tree in a place which, oddly enough, almost looked like a throne. After realigning my thought processes, I jumped to the ground.

I greeted some onlookers, mostly old Chinese Civil War veterans, with great dignity – I had discovered the hat with the plume was leaning over my brow, so I slightly touched the tip the way men greeted each other a few generations ago. As I walked back to my apartment, the strangest thought entered my mind: Could it be that the branches of the tree were filled, not with leaves, but with tightly rolled bundles of one thousand New Taiwan dollar notes? A quick recall of the Fried Rice Episode reminded me that my life is not a fictional tale.

Nevertheless, the possibility was enough to stop me in my tracks. Rushing back to the tree, I grabbed the nearest branch. And, lo-and-behold, there it was: freshly printed one thousand New Taiwan dollar notes!

Naturally I stuffed my pockets full of “leaves”, and luckily I also had the briefcase there, which I also stuffed to bursting point. Now a little more wary about the Chinese masters on their bench, I risked a quick glance in their direction. Studiously reciting pieces from the annals of Confucius, they ignored me. More than that, no one in the neighbourhood seemed to be aware of the extraordinary feature of this special tree!

With money bulging from my shirt pockets and a few notes peering from under my hat, I walked home. Halfway I remembered that I didn’t have my keys with me, seeing that I ended up in the tree in the most unorthodox manner. When I arrived at my apartment, though, the door opened by itself, as if it was triggered by my approaching footsteps. Once inside, I immediately took off my shirt. In the process, I accidentally knocked the hat off my head.

The spectacle of money tumbling to the floor and floating around like butterflies in some tropical paradise almost brought tears to my eyes. I had a few quick shots of green tea, and then I started gathering the banknotes. Half an hour later I wrote the number “87,000” on an unopened telephone bill. “I have to go back,” I said out load, and looked around for my shirt and hat.

By the time the sun was touching the horizon, I was already halfway between one and two million NT dollars. My day was definitely reaching unprecedented levels of prosperity!

Shortly after my last run to the tree, I had an unpleasant sensation. I suddenly realised I did not know my own name. I wanted to make the unique nature of the day official by addressing myself, but I could go no further than, “Well, um … Whatsyourname …” Standing in my living room trying out a bunch of names, hunger pangs stimulated another disturbing thought. I had no clue what kind of pizza I liked! A vague awareness that I had previously also suffered from such ignorance was not in the least conducive to a sense of inner peace. The situation became worse when I suddenly realised I had no idea where I came from – America … Egypt … Sweden?! I stared at the pictures on the wall hoping that this would bring forth some emotion or sentimental memory, and perhaps inspire an idea of my identity and where I belong.

Then it hit me like a ton of rotten cabbage: I have an almost inexhaustible supply of financial resources! I could have a little fun! What does it matter that I was unsure about a few minor administrative matters?!

People will sometimes refer in their stories to “some of the best times of my life”. Over the next few days, I experienced what they mean. I picked a name for myself and fabricated a story about a youth in places like New York and Paris. I bought new clothes. The few hairs I have left on my head, I fluffed up in a grand, impressive style. I even tried crooning love ballads in a karaoke bar with friendly and skimpily dressed young ladies. Pizza was of course enjoyed in abundance, even though I had to try out quite a few before I realised I was a Super Deluxe guy.

After a few days of uninterrupted revelry and indulgent extravagance, I began to calm down. I was, however, still very much pleased with the improved quality of my new existence.

* * *

It was during this time that the third incident occurred.

I was busy staring at my television with the sound turned off so as not to disturb my sense of contentment. I had to have been sitting there for quite some time because the wailing of the broken doorbell made me jump mildly petrified from my sofa chair. I pulled a white vest over my bare chest and opened the door.

I recognised the man on my doormat as a creature from another planet even before he opened the orifice in the lower part of his face. Over his shoulders was draped a green gown with beautiful gold patterns, and his feet looked like ice skates from the nineteen twenties. He had a few untidy tufts of hair on what could be described as his upper lip, and a similar amount of hair on his head. He stretched out his paw – it didn’t exactly look like a human hand, and I shook it. Then he made a gesture as if he was politely asking permission to enter my home; with a similar motion, I beckoned him to enter.

After we had enjoyed some fresh green tea (obviously of a much higher quality than the kind I always bought at the 7-Eleven), I asked him the reason for his visit to our planet. In perfect English, he answered that he was on a mission. His assignment was to investigate human life on planet Earth: how we live, how we work, how we get on with each other, how we manage to stay so ordered, and how we manage to live our lives in apparent contentment considering the facts of the universe.

I replied that he should not be deceived by the appearance of things. Many people, I assured him, preferred life less orderly. Many people also do not spend their lives in contentment, but rather in troubled confusion. These bits of information upset my guest. I lit a cigarette, offered it to him and refilled his glass.

He finished off the cigarette with astonishing rapidity, stared at the assorted ornaments on my coffee table, and after glancing over the pictures on my walls, started talking again. He said that he did a course on his planet on Survival in Modern Earth Civilisations; that he had even brought along a manual. He had also attended lectures on more abstract topics like “Identity”, “Commitment”, and a “Sense of Belonging”.

He then told me that the leaders of his planet – learned beings, he assured me – had informed him that he will meet a man soon after arriving who could give him some instructions on how to “fit in”. His craft had apparently dropped him off in a park not too far from here, and a few elderly gentlemen pointed in the direction of my apartment. Could I confirm the accuracy of the things he had learned in his lectures, he asked me with deep sincerity in his eyes, and could I give him a few useful tips.

I thought about my experiences of the previous few days, about the fact that I still did not know what my real name was and that I was still unsure about where I come from and where I belong. What I did know, was that life was a lot more enjoyable if you had access to some decent financial resources! Not only could I satisfy all my physical needs on a daily basis, but when I had a stomach ache a few days earlier, I went to the best hospital in the city. (It is true that my strange appearance initially made people a little uncomfortable – at that point I had not shaven for a few days, but after I had shown them my briefcase with some freshly plucked money, they became much friendlier. To tell the truth, the nurses became embroiled in what could easily be described as a fist fight with the doctors, for the privilege to take care of me.) I glanced at the strange creature in my living room, now seemingly deep in thought, and noticed the way the unusual curves of his rotund figure were emphasised by his tight-fitting bright orange outfit – his gown had been hanging behind the door by this time. The tufts of hair on his upper lip, along the sides of his face and on his underdeveloped chin, reminded me of my own appearance a few days earlier. In fact, his whole appearance contributed to my feelings of compassion towards him.

Then I looked him straight in his melancholic eyes, took a deep breath and said, “Mister Alien, I must disappoint you. I don’t know much about identity, or about one’s place in the world. What I do know is that if you walk straight back to that park, you’ll come across a tree that looks like a funnel. You might expect the more common earthly type of leaf on the branches, but this tree is unique. It grows money! Now, fill a few bags with this money – make sure you take enough! Then go to the nearest hotel and get yourself a room. Look in your manual on where to buy food and other items.

“Choose a name from a magazine,” I continued, “and make it your own. Make up a story about where you come from – you can say you’re from outer space, but people don’t take that seriously anymore. Say you’re from the Balkans,” I suggested, “or Northern Ireland or Arizona or some other place.

“The money, so I’ve recently discovered Mister Alien, will ensure the success of your mission, no matter who you are, where you come from, or what you tell others who you are or where you come from.”

I moved to the edge of my seat, and as if the alien creature understood the seriousness of what I wanted to say next, he did the same. “Remember!” I yelled. The creature’s eyes doubled in size. “Make sure you always have sufficient funds!” To emphasise the importance of my advice, I started hammering an invisible plank with an imaginary tool in my clenched fist. “It’s the golden rule that you should never disregard, ignore or underestimate! Make sure your bags are always filled!”

The creature started fidgeting on his chair, so I reached for the bottle of tea. We drank a few more glasses in silence, then I walked into the kitchen to fetch a few garbage bags. When I came back, he was already up and pacing the living room. He took the bags and shook my hand. I opened the door, and he disappeared down the stairs. A few minutes after I slumped back into my chair, I fell into a deep sleep.

That, then, was the third incident that influenced my current thoughts on certain issues.

It should probably also be noted that I muttered what I knew to be my real name the moment I woke up. Nothing could have prepared me, however, for the next shock. I strolled down to Sea Breeze Park, whistling all the way, with my empty briefcase swinging in the air, and the hat with the feather on my head. Real, organic, dirty green leaves on the branches of the magic funnel tree made me weak in the knees. One could almost say it was more upsetting than the spectacle of fresh fried rice on my living room floor.

______________________

Who and what

WEDNESDAY, 1 OCTOBER 2003

Identity is like an external logo (or collection of badges) that we carry around and display in order to show others who we are. Identity also helps us understand the relationship between us and our environment and everything and everyone that is part of it. What we are, on the other hand, goes much deeper than who we are. I furthermore believe identity is a survival mechanism that our species have developed in the process of evolution, because earlier mechanisms that had the same function as identity today have to a large extent become obsolete.

Each one of us can run down a whole list of things that can convince everyone who wanted to know that I am not Ronald Reagan, and you’re probably not Napoleon Bonaparte. We have names, nationalities, possibly occupations, home phone numbers, cell phone numbers, identity numbers, passport numbers, credit card numbers, addresses, blood types, almae matres, memories of high school, interests, favourite vacation spots, ambitions and dreams … just to name a few. But none of these things, or all of them thrown together, is more than just information about us.

A plant, no matter how deep its roots go into the soil, is not the soil. The plant remains a plant, and the soil remains soil. Our identities may be somewhat similar. The plant needs the soil in order to survive in the garden. We – flesh-and-blood, mentally alert, animated creatures – need identity to survive, in the first place, and beyond that, to function properly in the environment where our lives are being played out. All the elements from which an individual identity is compiled are bigger than just the individual and his or her identity: language, nationality, ancestors, history and so forth. The way an individual extracts – as it were – elements of identity from their environment, is thus, in a sense, similar to a plant that extracts nutrients from the soil in order to survive.

If formulating your true identity is not the end goal, what is? A preliminary response seems to be “place in the world”. No human being can find or define their place in the world without first sorting out who they are in relation to everything around them. Identity is the means to this end.

Why do we want to know where we our “place in the world” is or where we “belong”?

All signs indicate that a tensionless condition is the primary aim of all organisms – including human beings. As we all know, there are more things that cause tension in our lives than we can list in one lifetime. There are things that threaten our physical existence; things that threaten our psychological well-being; the primal fear of disappearing into the nothingness the day we die. Then there’s the cacophony of languages, cultures, subcultures and other differences between us that almost makes one think it must be a miracle that we do not slaughter one another for the sake of our own survival … or rather, that it doesn’t happen more than is already the case. The primary aim of a tensionless condition manifests itself in the desire to feel safe, in the strong urge to protect ourselves.

One relatively effective way to protect ourselves, to feel a little safer, and to feel somewhat better about the possibility of disappearance, is to be around others “like you”. This principle is as old as life itself, and it manifests itself in nationalism, religion, blood is thicker than water, friendships, subcultures, the way wild animals of the same species cluster together, and the barking of dogs in the night.

The need for safety stimulates the need for belonging. In order to develop a sense of belonging we need information about ourselves – hence the search for identity.

The problem is that this “search for identity” is often a lengthy process, and the desire for security – like the reasons to fear for our lives – cannot wait until you’re able to shout your real name from the rooftops.

What on earth can help to make this process less traumatic, to relieve your anxiety if you don’t quite know yet who you are and where you fit in? In other words, what can stifle your anxiety while you are still “looking” for yourself and your place in the world? The answer is as close as the nearest wallet full of bank notes: MONEY.

Why does money – or to have access to more than enough money – make you feel better if you are unsure of your identity? Money reduces the necessity for (well-defined) identity because it satisfies to a significant extent the original need for a sense of personal safety and security. Money buys food, clothing, a roof over your head and doors and gates with latches and locks; money buys the services of a dentist when your teeth ache, help from doctors if something else is wrong, and it buys medicine when you’re sick, and a bed in a good hospital in more severe cases; money buys entertainment, companionship, and in more cases than many will admit, it is also conducive to the development of friendships. To have access to sufficient capital in the long term, is to know that all of the above is available when needed; knowing that all of the above is available when needed, is to feel safe.

Does that mean the richer the guy is, the less he needs to know about himself? Not necessarily. The richer the man, the better the possibility that he will feel his existence, for now, is more entrenched than that of the homeless guy in the sewer. And the better he feels about his chances of survival, the less urgent the need for alternative measures to achieve a sense of security – namely the belief that he belongs somewhere, with someone or a group of people. Appearing outside the comfort and protection of his inner sanctum may reduce his sense of security, which will stimulate the need to show where and how he belongs – that he is [X] in an environment where most people have some understanding of what [X] means. Of course, money will prove to be particularly useful in the acquisition of appropriate (and in many cases pre-packaged) Badges of Identity – widely available on the Internet, from mail order catalogues, or from a choice of conveniently located and gleaming shopping malls.

Whatever the difference between the child of wealth and the children of the rest of society when it comes to identity, nothing changes the fact that, even if you can write a book about your own identity and your personal agenda in this world, it still does not encompass the whole truth about what you are.

In terms of matter, you are so many pounds of meat, so many litres of blood and so many metres of skin. And do you really need scientists to show you to what extent you’re the same as a dog or a baboon?

The question of WHO you are, is as practical as the correct wrench in a workshop: It serves a purpose, and the purpose is a sense of personal security.

WHAT you are, is more difficult to grasp. If we are just so much flesh and blood and skin and bones less or more than our pets, with (most of the time) a brain that is more developed, then even I must consider whether I’m wasting my time doing what I do. Then it makes perfect sense to shamelessly chase after money and grab as much cash as we can for no reason other than the security, entertainment, comfort and convenience it can buy.

So what, one must eventually also ask, if we are only so many pounds of meat and bone more or less than a wild animal, and nothing more? Or is the fact that our brains are so much more developed, so important that similarities in biological composition between humans and other “less developed” life forms really does not matter outside the laboratory?

Another question: How does it affect our ambitions, our view of society, our dreams for the future, our hopes for the next generation, were we to believe that nothing lies beyond our physical existence, if the meaning of life and definitions for good and evil must be found within what we think and feel and experience – individually, and as individuals in community with others who have similar experiences? And how does it change the subject if it would seem – beyond a reasonable doubt – that our more developed brains are an indication that humans are part of something that stretches beyond what includes giraffes and cockroaches and spiders?

______________________

I feel miserable and lost, and consequently threaten transformation again

TUESDAY, 30 SEPTEMBER 2003

While walking out of the Carrefour this evening with more cheap VCDs and two boxes of cereal, the idea formed in my head that I am to a great extent an unhappy person. Like everyone I have my better moments, but to be honest, I’ve been miserable since I finished high school (even that phase of my life wasn’t exactly a hedonistic hell ride). It shouldn’t come as too much of a shock for you as reader by now, and it was certainly no secret to myself.

The reason for my continued wretchedness is simple to pin down, since I spend most of my days and nights in deep contemplation looking for causes for just such dilemmas. I find it difficult, even impossible, to commit myself to the mainstream of life (or then, my caricature of the so-called mainstream) within which most of my contemporaries live out their existence.

Why this lack of enthusiasm? Long story short, I believe death is always imminent. And because of the shadows cast by my former beliefs I also believe that when you stand in front of the Gates of Heaven and Hell, you will be asked to explain what you have done with your life.

If you answered that you had a good job and had been an asset to the company, the response will, in my opinion, be that it’s not good enough. If you continue by adding that you were also involved in an intimate relationship, and that your relationship was a beautiful example to other people, the answer might spark a smile, but not much more. The initial reactions might make you nervous, and you might modify your story as a result. You could say that you and your partner had already produced a little descendant, and a second one was on its way. “Congratulations!” the Gatekeeper might say, “But please continue.”

If, on the other hand, so I believe, you were in a position to say, “I wrote a book about the meaning of life, and I felt really miserable most of the time,” you may just have half a chance of a place in paradise.

* * *

Here I am, then, with a bowl of fresh cereal, scribbling more notes about my miserable existence, searching for better answers about the purpose and meaning of my life than the ones I’ve already formulated.

The fact that I vacated the apartment I had lived in for 56 months at exactly 16:39 this afternoon doesn’t fill me with how I imagine an acid trip would feel like. I feel somewhat lost. And the cockroaches in my new headquarters are not conducive to a better mood. The dark green sheet I’ve draped in front of my living room windows also seems to have an unpleasant effect on me – an awareness of intense isolation.

Despite all this, I cling to the belief that a new phase of my life is ahead of me. I am indeed currently considering a transformation of my whole being – a complete metamorphosis. I’m fed up with being miserable. I’m fed up with not “knowing”. I’m tired of floating around like a charred piece of newspaper at a Saturday afternoon braai. I am even getting very dissatisfied with my current financial situation. I’m also tired of cockroaches, damp floors, air pollution, broken washing machines, toilets where the ring and the lid are different, equally nefarious colours, and of bathtubs just big enough to squeeze my big toe in.

I plan to finish this writing project and then to qualify myself as … an accountant. I would be unrecognisable to friend, foe and family. I will wear an expensive suit to the office, and a luxury watch will dangle off my left wrist. On my feet I will sport the best quality shoes – with socks. And I will drive a car, and occupy a new house – without cockroaches, in the right part of town.

Do I plan to sell out? Definitely. I plan to do everything in my power to renounce my current beliefs. I will do my best to cultivate shame for my years of poverty and creative ambitions. I will burn all my notebooks. I will never own a pen again, unless it’s a gold pen gifted to me by a company for years of faithful service. I will work late every night in desperate hope of promotion. I’ll get married and have two children, but I won’t even touch a lawnmower because it will be beneath my new status.

I will be a poster boy for perfect happiness. And I will forget that there was ever a time in my life that I didn’t “know”, or that I tried to “understand”.

At this point, I have to interrupt myself, though. My laundry needs hanging out, and I have to go to the 7-Eleven to buy cockroach traps. And after this latest eruption my notebook is getting dangerously close to its final page. Plus, I definitely need a new pen …

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Belonging and mobile membership

TUESDAY, 30 SEPTEMBER 2003

So I was thinking, I stayed in Number 15 for 56 months, of course I’m going to feel a little lost now that I no longer belong there. And I don’t really feel as if I belong here … in Benevolent Light. Then I realized I don’t have much of a choice: Eventually I would have to buy my own house or apartment where I will know I belong.

The next thought almost immediately shoved the previous one aside: One cannot place so much value on physical address as your “place in the world”. Why not? As a principle, it can’t be applied universally and across all historical periods of human habitation on this planet!

Our earliest ancestors were unfamiliar with the concept of private property. They constantly moved from one place to the next. Every time the seasons changed or animals moved to greener pastures, they allowed the fire to burn out in their cave, perhaps gave their charcoal drawings on the walls a final glance, made sure all the older people and all the children were on tow, and then they started walking. And each individual member must have had a sense of how and where they belonged, did they not? What would have given them a sense that is more or less similar to the feeling that modern individuals have when they know they are where they “belong”?

The answer lies in relationships, in community with others.

Every time our ancestors tightened their furs and gripped their spears, they travelled in groups. There were husbands and wives, children, brothers and sisters, and maybe even a few cousins. The relationships that each individual had with the other – confirmed by daily contact – gave them a sense that they belonged to something bigger than themselves. What they had was a mobile foundation of membership and belonging.

If, during the current period of my life, I was involved in an intimate relationship, the change of address would have had a significantly less erosive impact on my “sense of belonging”. Why? Because the relationship would have given me a stronger foundation than physical address.

However, location still matters, doesn’t it? Even if I were involved in an intimate relationship with the love of my life, it wouldn’t be the same to live in Moscow than to live in, say, Pretoria or Johannesburg. Where she comes from and where I come from will of course also play a role. If she was a born and bred Muscovite she would certainly have felt more at home in Moscow than me, and I would have felt more at home in … well, any of the places in South Africa where I have fixed my pictures to a bedroom wall.

Environment and physical address do play a role in the extent to which you feel you belong. But I believe that relationships – close, meaningful relationships – play a more significant role, and provide a more solid foundation.

* * *

Relationships are institutions to which you belong. Examples that will illustrate this point include Romeo and Juliet, Spice Girl and Soccer Player, the Pope and the Catholic Church, Brand and his Apartment …

Romeo and Juliet is more than just Romeo, or just Juliet. Being in a relationship gives you a more concrete sense of belonging and identity than being alone. It’s one of the reasons why people feel so lost and vulnerable when a relationship comes to an end; when the institution that made you part of something bigger than just you, crumbles.

Of course, family relationships also provide you with a sense of belonging and identity. Why do I have pictures of my family on my wall? Because the pictures are visible symbols of membership to something bigger than the single me. Friendships also count under this classification. In an intimate relationship with another adult person, however, you experience a more tangible and definitive confirmation of belonging to something larger than just the single you.

The same value that the pictures on my walls provide, can also be found in rings exchanged at a wedding ceremony, photographs carried around in purses and wallets, and various other articles that might not mean anything to someone else, but for the two people who share an intimate partnership, these articles are symbols of their mutual recognition of membership.

To conclude: 1) Relationships – and especially for the adult person, intimate relationships – are institutions to which the individual belongs. 2) These institutions are not limited to a physical location, and are present wherever the person finds him- or herself (if not always in physical terms, certainly in ways that affect how the person feels and thinks). 3) These institutions are larger than the single individual, and contribute strongly to the consciousness that a person has of his or her place in the world.

Finally, I can only speculate what difference it would have made to my life here in Taiwan if “home” was here. Suppose my parents, my two sisters, my brothers-in-law, uncles and aunts, and cousins all resided on this piece of earth, would it still feel like I’m in exile? Would I still have clung so resolutely to the concept of SOUTH AFRICA AS HOME?

Certainly there will be people who will take a different position on this point, who will talk about culture and landscape and climate and things like that. It’s true that I miss the mountains, the sea, the wide open spaces, supermarkets where people speak Zulu and Sotho and Afrikaans, where you can buy biltong and milk tart with the same ease as you can buy bottled kimchi or rice wine in this part of the world. But all these things are salt without savour if you’re missing the main ingredient of meaningful personal relationships in your life.

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