Category: Post Untitled, volume one

FRIDAY, 31 DECEMBER 2004

Notes to round off another year

Observe yourself – collect data – confront what you have been given – define who you want to be, where, with whom, what role you want to play, and what results you want to leave behind of your existence.

* * *

Contribute to the process that will allow other people to lead happy, productive, fulfilling lives, and to strive for good results.

* * *

How much of what we do is really choice, and to what degree are we compelled by forces within us that we cannot wrap up neatly with phrases like “free will”?

* * *

Thought of last night on the way to the Carrefour: Writing has, in the end, outmanoeuvred, outsmarted, outgunned, and outlasted every other possibility of what I had ever wanted to do with my adult life.

Pipe wrench in one hand, pen in the other, I remind myself that if one insists that an old apartment in a working class neighbourhood helps to define who you are and want to be, one should not complain too much if your pipes are getting clogged up, or if they start to crumble.

Since we are on this subject, and since I am planning on making this note the last of the current literary project, what else other than residence defines who you are, or want to be?

I would say the music you listen to; how you earn money; what you do – can I put down the pipe wrench? – what you do when you are not busy earning money; clothing, and any accessories you choose to wear; whether you have a car, and if you do, what type of car; if you don’t have a car, how you move around if your destination is too far to reach by foot; people you socialise with; how often you socialise, where, and what you do at such times (drinking, dancing, fishing, bowling or other possibilities); what you eat and what you don’t eat (pizza, beer and doughnuts every day will say something of who you are and want to be – or who you don’t care to be; a vegetarian lifestyle will say something different); how well you manage to meet your own needs, especially when you compare it to the standards of the community in whose midst you find yourself on a daily basis (for example, eating maize porridge three times a day when all your neighbours are accustomed to three balanced meals per day will besides the health repercussions also have certain implications for your self-perception); if you are so fortunate to be able to go on vacation, where you go, for how long, with whom, and what you do while you are on vacation; your active interests (ties in with what you do when you are not busy making money); whether you smoke or use other tobacco products, and if so, what kind of tobacco products (cigarettes, cigars, pipe) and even which brand; whether you use drugs and if so, what kinds of drugs, where, with whom, how often, and in what quantities; in which town, city or country you live in, how long you have lived there, and how often you move (if at all); (and eventually, after thirteen other items), whether or not you are married, and if so, who your spouse is (and even to some extent, how your partner’s responses to this list compare to your own); whether you have children; if you are unmarried, whether you are currently in an intimate relationship; if not, for how long you have been single; if you are involved with someone, how long you’ve been involved with this person, and even how often you have been in similar relationships during your adult life; whether or not you steal or make yourself guilty of other criminal activities; if you do, what kind of criminal activities and how often; whether you get involved in physical altercations on a regular basis; if you do, with whom, for what reasons, how often, and where; whether you provide assistance to others who need help; if you do, to whom you provide assistance, how often, and what percentage of your time and money is taken up by this assistance; if you spend neither time nor money to provide assistance to your fellow human beings, what reasons would you give for this; (to be continued …)

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WEDNESDAY, 29 DECEMBER 2004

For me this has not been the kind of year that fills one with panic that you have not done enough. Certainly one can never do everything you want to do, and in that sense I could have done more … but I am happy with what I have indeed done, and with what I can continue as soon as I swap the calendar behind me for a new one.

So here follows a list of projects I am currently working on, or on which I have worked over the past twelve months. These projects are listed not simply to mention more than three things after such an … almost senseless and unnecessary introductory paragraph, but because I would like to complete these projects, and seeing the titles of the projects so prominently displayed may remind me that they have indeed not been brought to conclusion.

It should also be mentioned that it is a coincidence that I am compiling this list at the end of this year. It has more to do with the fact that I completed a massive editing and revision task two weeks ago and has since been feeling a little lost behind my computer playing card games than with the fact that it is always useful to compile a list of this nature when the days on the current calendar are increasingly being driven into a corner.

So, the list:

Bullets one to four: […]

Bullet five: The three volumes of my primary literary project of the past two years must be proofread, reviewed, proofread again and reviewed again, and then be converted into PDF or HTML format and burned on a CD-ROM.

Bullets six to ten: […]

And don’t forget …

Bullets eleven to fourteen: […]

FINAL THOUGHT

Some people ask themselves on a regular basis, “What should I do with my life?” Few realise that to a large extent this question can be reduced to the literal and figurative next few hours.

It is now Friday morning, 31 December 2004 at 01:34. I will go to sleep in the next 26 minutes and hopefully rise again no later than nine o’ clock. This will give me an hour to get coffee and food in my stomach, and to watch a little TV. Then I will have about five and a half hours at my disposal during which I will have no appointments before I have to start preparing for my two classes.

Now, I can decide to do nothing in those five and a half hours, which is what lying on the couch watching TV would come down to for all practical purposes. I can also decide to work on any of the items listed above.

Repetition on a regular basis – if not necessarily as a daily routine – of whatever I decide to do later, before I have to leave my apartment to go earn food and rent money, constitute in the larger view of things what I do with my life – since I view my income earning work as not much more than a necessary measure in order to survive.

This illustrates the value of all the items on my list: the creative work is for me of paramount importance – it is at this stage what really gives value to my life, and what I would want to leave as a result of my existence. Language study provides a challenge. If I can master my subject to a certain level, it will give me some satisfaction. It will also enable me to function better in the environment in which I live and work. With the business ideas I aim to utilise my creative nature for financial gain, which will give certain ambitions and desires, which will always cost money, a fair chance of coming to fruition. Commercial endeavours would also, if successful, make possible a lifestyle that I have defined as good – or, depending on the degree of success and what it would make possible, extraordinary.

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WEDNESDAY, 29 DECEMBER 2004

The fact is that I function better now as a human being than was the case four years ago. I am more aware of the rules of the game, and I have learned to play by the rules without betraying myself. I am more convinced of my relative value in the broader community, and also more specifically in the Community of Particular Language and Culture to which I am connected by the proverbial umbilical cord. I am more convinced of who I am and who I want to be. I understand more of where I come from as well as the value of that in answering the questions about who I am and where I am going. I also understand the reasons and motivations for this specific vision. I am therefore more convinced of my place in the Bigger World, and more convinced of my own self when I walk into a local bar or restaurant, or when I arrive at a barbecue with friends and strangers. Finally, because I can now speak and read a little Chinese, I can function better in the particular environment where I live and work every day than was the case a few years ago.

It is ultimately as practical as the difference between a bicycle wheel with a problem and one that works as it is supposed to. Anyone who has ever ridden a bicycle will appreciate the difference between a wheel with broken spokes, a cracked tyre and a leaky inner tube and a wheel with new spokes, an expensive new tyre, and a brand new inner tube. One is simply better. One is simply more suited to taking you where you need to be.

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THURSDAY, 23 DECEMBER 2004

Disturbance of the telephone …

Telephones can be very disturbing. For example, I am sitting behind my computer, half-past eleven in the evening, and the phone rings. I was just minding my own thoughts, chewing on a toothpick … but now I suddenly have to make an appearance, and participate in a conversation, and display personality, and so on.

I think it’s quite reasonable to not answer the phone when social appearance does not suit you. If you know who called, you can simply call the person back at a time that suits you better. And if your call does not suit that person at that time, he or she can do the same, until you catch each other at a time convenient to both of you.

[The bigger the gap between your private self and your social self, the more annoyed you will be when your solitude is disturbed.]

TUESDAY, 28 DECEMBER 2004

The point of the thought

The point at the end of the thought that had been brewing in my head in parts three and four is this: the person you want to be and the role that you have defined for yourself should not only be compatible with the world in which you exist, but it should also not undermine your chances of fulfilling your emotional and physical needs. If this essential balance between what you have defined for yourself and what you need to be and do to survive is not maintained, who you want to be and the role that you have defined for yourself are not sustainable.

One of my favourite awakenings of the year is the idea that to know who and what you “truly” are is not the end goal, but a means to producing results of your existence – and then hopefully positive results.

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