Category: Post Untitled, volume one

THURSDAY, 23 SEPTEMBER 2004

For years I searched for identity and tried to work out how I should appear to the world. I finally came to the realisation that you have to confront your “given self”, accept what you cannot change, and then taking into account the given material and given time and place, define who you want to be, how you want to appear to the world, whether you want to play any kind of role in the world, what role you might want to play, where you might want to play this role, and how you plan to meet your own needs where you currently are considering who you have decided to be and what role you have decided you would want to play, or what contribution you would want to make.

One question remains, however, after you have figured out these things: DO YOU WANT TO APPEAR?

If you choose to appear, all your answers to the above questions kick in.

Should you choose to not appear, everything changes. Most of your answers will become useless, with new questions that will need to be answered in order to fulfil a different set of needs (or similar physical needs, but psychologically different).

This is the question I am contemplating at this point of my life. Do I want to be who I am (now), in the place I have chosen to be this “I”, and to fulfil the role I have defined for myself, or do I want to disappear … or rather, do I only want to make minimal, and mostly anonymous appearances in order to fulfil my basic physical needs?

SUNDAY, 10 OCTOBER 2004

Inevitable course of spiritual evolution?

You get tired of explaining yourself to other people. You also become increasingly aware of your own caricature in appearing to the world. You increasingly start to experience a need to withdraw.

Is this an inevitable part of spiritual evolution? Can the increasing desire to separate yourself from the rest of the world be avoided?

______________________

TUESDAY, 21 SEPTEMBER 2004

DESERT or CITY?

To lose your identity-for-the-sake-of-functioning, or to accept it and to be that person for the sake of a (good) cause … say you have walked around in circles and criss-crossed the same areas for many years but you manage a straight path for long enough to finally come to the edge of the CITY, just before you enter the DESERT, where you no longer have to function according to conventions of time and place, and you turn around and walk back, re-entering the CITY, to live your live in pursuit and in the service of a Good Cause with the knowledge that you have about who and what you truly are, and who and what you need to be to survive and to function … until the time comes when you will enter the DESERT in a different form.

THURSDAY, 23 SEPTEMBER 2004

A principle

Many of us are trapped in a life that is not the best we can achieve, because to make adjustments will require more effort than to merely maintain our current, sometimes frustrating life on a daily basis.

This is why change usually follows a proverbial flash of lightning that shocks us into action – an event or incident that makes our current existence unbearable.

______________________

THURSDAY, 16 SEPTEMBER 2004

The whole truth, loneliness, and practical arrangements

I still feel lonely, but not as much as a year or three ago. One reason is I now know people need each other for the fulfilment of a range of needs, both emotional and physical. If these needs are eliminated, everything changes.

* * *

The belief in many cultures is that people need other people, is that not so?

Yes, because “many cultures” are trying to figure out how to provide basic comfort to the individual in the face of a terrible reality. It is a practical arrangement, like your name. It is not the Whole Truth.

MONDAY, 20 SEPTEMBER 2004

For the record

For the past several weeks I have been contemplating a choice, in various forms: To live for this world, or to “die” in this world.

If I choose to live, my current half-life is not good enough.

If I choose to “die”, my current half-death is also not good enough.

* * *

Some people find appearing in the world very stressful; naturally they try to avoid it as much as possible. I understand this.

Existential question

The question remains: Should I continue to be what I have worked out I want to be, taken into consideration all the given factors – to cultivate a relationship with the world as “Brand Smit”, and to appear to the world as “Brand Smit” on a daily basis, to hopefully play a constructive role and to make a positive contribution while I function, for all practical purposes, as “Brand Smit” … OR … do I pull out of the game, and terminate my appearance and accompanying role and my functioning as “Brand Smit”, and see where it takes me?

______________________

TUESDAY, 14 SEPTEMBER 2004

Is the demonstration over yet? (Because I would like to continue with my existence)

At some stage of my life I came to believe that my only right to an existence would be if I could prove or demonstrate that I am not “the same as everyone else”. Perhaps it is time to confront the reality of my life – as created from the clay that was laid before me – and to declare that I have proven or demonstrated enough.

I say this because it seems to me that to claim my right to happiness I should after all be like other people and take similar measures – like playing the Game of Social Contact with the Exclusive Purpose of Being with Someone to Whom You Are Sexually Attracted.

(“Right to happiness?” you may ask. Yes. If I don’t have such a right, no one has such a right. It is either universal or not applicable at all.)

WEDNESDAY, 15 SEPTEMBER 2004

Location and personal agendas

“Be dedicated to your own agenda.”

The question: What exactly is your agenda?

* * *

The question is not what location is perfect for residential purposes; the question is what kind of place is conducive to your ambitions and your aspirations, and your goals. In short, what place is conducive to the realisation and fulfilment of your own personal agenda?

* * *

It seems that I am expanding my focus. Initially, my focus was just on my own identity. Eventually I asked: What is identity? And if it meets a specific need, what and who am I (or will I be) if that specific need is removed?

Same with the agenda issue. First it was my own agenda. Now I say: Everyone has an agenda, so what’s yours? And can you express it?

The issue of place or physical location is another example. For years (and hundreds of pages), I asked: Where is my place in the world? I even attempted to establish criteria that might apply to other people. Now I say, place/location and agenda, and necessarily also identity, everything is connected, and the keyword is conducive. What place, and what other factors are conducive to the expression of your self-defined identity, and for the realisation and fulfilment of your personal agenda?

(Earlier on I made myself guilty of espousing the misconception that the end goal is to find yourself, while in actual fact that is merely the beginning.)

______________________

MONDAY, 13 SEPTEMBER 2004

Boredom, and actions that compensate (and my English class on a Monday afternoon)

I am okay by 16:25: my mind is manageable; my apartment is clean; plans, old and new, interesting enough for a Monday.

Within half an hour with a group of seven-year-olds (who are not unreasonably noisy or rowdy), the boredom and the farce of everything I am trying to do absolutely overpower me. Within minutes, my thoughts are rushing down a variety of dark corridors: What is the point of everything? Where are we heading? Face the facts! Etcetera. Regular Monday afternoon, 16:30 to 18: 00 routine.

Then the thought came to me that one needs certain things. If you don’t get these things, you will either deteriorate physically and emotionally, or you will get bored, or both (depending on your particular situation, and of what specific needs we are talking about).

COMPENSATING ACTIONS can alleviate the adverse effects of the situation, but if these types of action cannot be taken, then it’s physical and/or emotional deterioration, or boredom and frustration, or all aforementioned.

This is how I can describe, for the umpteenth time, my hours at home on my own, and also the result of a lack of actions to compensate, on a Monday afternoon between 16:30 and 18:00.

A few questions

What is the practical value of my idealism? What is my relationship with the world? What do I want my relationship with the world to be? What can my relationship with the world possibly be? What – and I mean this in all seriousness – is the meaning of life?

______________________