Category: Post Untitled, volume one

FRIDAY, 13 AUGUST 2004

The hermit (and his loved ones), first notations

I have once again realised today, Friday the thirteenth, why some people are hermits. It’s the silence, the absence of confrontation with people who do not understand you, who have no idea what goes on in your head, who misunderstand you; also the absence of your own voice when you once again try to explain yourself.

The hermit, therefore, gives up to a large extent on his attempts to be understood and to be accepted by the community, even by those he loves.

SUNDAY, 15 AUGUST 2004

The hermit (and his loved ones), second notations

I love my family, and they love me, but between this love and the manifestation of it there is a lot of misunderstanding, and a lot of frustration.

“Talk to them about it,” someone might say.

I can’t, because they cannot hear me. They are trapped in their own insecurities and fears which, as it turns out, have never properly been confronted. I am talking to a brick wall, and there is always frustration and verbal aggression in their response. And sometimes this frustration and verbal aggression are also present in my own voice.

My parents love me, but I believe they do not respect me. The main reason for this is because they judge me according to certain standards.

They respect my older sister because she qualified for a certain career, because she has a fulltime position at a large corporation, and because she earns “good money”.

They respect my younger sister because she has tried hard over the years to build her own life along lines with which they can relate – work, money, marriage, setting up a home.

In comparison with my two sisters I fall out of the bus with “creative independence”, “intellectual enlightenment”, “the Enlightened Individual”, “freeing yourself from the worker-boss relationship”, “language as identity creator”, and “the concept of God in a person’s search for his own identity”.

I believe not one of the people I love deeply understands these things! And it’s not because it’s above their intellectual abilities – no one in my family is stupid. But just because you know what “creative” means, and you know what “independence” means, is not to say that you will understand when someone does not want to do a job that would require giving up his creative independence – whatever the price.

There are always reactions to what I have to say. My older sister reckons I think too much. My younger sister is not interested in my “thoughts and opinions”. And my parents are just people – they have their own understanding of things, and anything that upsets that, or anything that they don’t fully comprehend, leads to a response of verbal aggression.

I have deep affection for my parents and my two sisters. But to try to lead them to better understanding with verbal communication is virtually impossible. I speak in a language they do not understand. My world is not theirs. I don’t blame them; I am merely giving expression to my own frustration.

* * *

What is family? It is a case of individual entities thrown together by fate and who, by spending thousands of days in close contact, develop love for each other. But to expect understanding from them just because they love you is to throw one and four together and to expect to get two. I have to accept the situation as it is.

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SUNDAY, 15 AUGUST 2004

I am suddenly acutely attracted to silence, like sitting in or nearby a piece of open veld and just listening, and maybe having a whispered conversation with myself.

Some might consider this to be the flipside of a desire for non-appearance; the latter, of course, in order to protect oneself. I believe that I have become increasingly alienated from people because most people I meet are not on the same journey as me – intellectually speaking, but it can also be seen as a spiritual process.

If I had, for example, converted to an orthodox version of Judaism, my relationship with my immediate family and some old friends would have been at a similar level of alienation than is now the case. But now the convictions to which I have come and which I have worked out for myself, is my own faith, with no external paraphernalia like a prescribed dress code and a prescribed style of facial hair growth shared with others in a community of faith, as in the case of, for example, orthodox Jews. I am still trying to be recognisable (“basically the same guy you’ve always known”), but it is becoming increasingly difficult.

———–

[To some extent I do not blame my family. They love me, and they probably wish that I could be “more like other people” because they are convinced of the fact that I am miserable most of the time. It is also possible that if I were not so stubborn and if I did not hold so many beliefs unfamiliar to them, they would find it easier to relate to me.

In terms of a lot of things I say, I am indeed a stranger to the people who have known me a lifetime, and because they do not live the process with me day-in and day-out, they do not know where I am coming from half of the time I open my mouth.]

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FRIDAY, 13 AUGUST 2004

Community or intellectual/spiritual enlightenment

09:07

Back to the thought of community or intellectual/spiritual enlightenment. It’s a practical and valuable illustration of the process of identity formation.

The person who chooses Enlightenment says: I spend a lot of time on my own; I don’t unnecessarily conform to conventions; I strive for knowledge and understanding.

Someone who chooses Community says: I spend a lot of time with family and friends; I am part of an intimate community on a daily basis.

I can go further and give names to these two options (unfortunately both male names): John the Baptist for Enlightenment, and Jack Campbell for Community (named after the Nicolas Cage character in the film, Family Man).

The question then becomes: Who are you, John the Baptist, or Jack Campbell (or the female versions of these characters)?

My own initial response (though it sounds slightly frightening) is Jack the Baptist – or, John “Family Man” Campbell.

10:13

Of course it can be said that I am very comfortable with the idea of the Desert Walker who doesn’t concern himself unnecessarily with conventions.

I am very comfortable with being John the Enlightened today, and tomorrow, and next week. Long term is a different matter – then powerful visions of Jack the Family Man kick in.

Measures and “true” identity

We take measures to alleviate inconveniences such as loneliness, and these measures become intertwined with how we see ourselves and how we appear to the world. To what extent is “I as result of measures” the “true me” and to what extent is it almost a barrier to who you “really” are? Or, should measures simply be accepted as building blocks of identity in the same way as one would accept the genetic instructions in DNA as building blocks of identity? And yet, measures easily change with environment … which brings you back to the slipperiness of “true” identity.

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THURSDAY, 12 AUGUST 2004

12:32

* position at my parents’ pottery business

* convoluted explanations of your “situation” when you can’t just say, “I will discuss it with my spouse.”

* Intellectual Enlightenment vs. Community (Taiwan or South Africa)

Later … ± 16:30

The vacancy at my parents’ pottery business is Personal Relations, part time. My younger sister then mentioned the reasons why she had resigned from her previous job (also in Bronkhorstspruit), and why she now works at the business. My father mentioned the idea that this should indeed be a family business.

Reckoning that this would be a good time for an alternative point of view, I mentioned that it will not be the same for me as for my younger sister who could just resign, remain in the same house and then simply join the business; that my whole life in Taiwan would have to be broken down piece-by-piece, packed up, and shipped. Friendships I have cultivated in Taiwan will also not stay part of my life in the same way. New relationships will need to be cultivated in a new location to compensate for the social community that I now have in a different place.

I then mentioned that in the ten years it had taken to build up the family business I had taken other measures to provide for my own well-being. These measures cannot just be dismissed overnight because a job position became vacant in the family business.

After a few minutes it dawned on me that there was an unmentioned factor in the whole discussion: the fact that I was alone. If I were married, I would simply have said, “Hmm … nice possibility. I’ll discuss it with Mary.” And that would have been the end of the meeting. But Loner Brand opted for his usual option of long, boring explanations that “everyone already knows”.

I also thought, during the smoke break under the tree shortly after the meeting, that one of the things that make me uncomfortable about leaving Taiwan is the Environment and Daily Routine that are Conducive to a Process of Intellectual Enlightenment. Of course, I could meet someone any time in Taiwan with whom I want to spend more time, and then my Daily Routine would be down the tubes anyways.

I realised that this is an issue of Community (here or in Taiwan) or Intellectual Enlightenment (or at least my view of Intellectual Enlightenment).

Finally, the idea pressed itself on me that my quest for Intellectual Nirvana is not sustainable. I need Community. And if I end up choosing Community above Intellectual Enlightenment, why not in South Africa?

(Did I know a week ago I was going to make these types of observations as soon as the Highveld air hit my nostrils? Yes, I did know matters would necessarily be reconsidered.)

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TUESDAY, 10 AUGUST 2004

A man (the very one making this note) was born in South Africa, and obtained data from a particular South African environment that has made it possible for him to give expression to the existence of which he is currently aware and of which he has been aware for the past 397 months. For the past 66 months he has been living in Taiwan. He currently finds himself again in the particular environment that gave him his primary self-expression tools, amongst the people with whom he has had an intimate emotional commitment his entire life.

Within the first three days after his re-emergence in the South African environment, he was once again confronted with the concept of place; specifically where he chooses to live and where his family would prefer he makes himself at home.

To shed some light on the concept – with which he has been confronted for the umpteenth time – he asks the following question: What determines the place where a person lives?

The answer is free will, or no free will.

Suppose then a person can indeed make a choice among several possibilities, what considerations should be taken into account?

1. What makes life for him worthwhile?

2. How does he “see” himself – who and what he is and who and what he wants to be?

3. What does he do or what is he willing to do or what can he do to meet his own needs, and possibly the needs of a few other people for whom he may be responsible?

4. What does he when he is not busy satisfying his needs, or busy taking steps to make it possible to satisfy his needs?

5. Free and creative expression of his particular experience of reality – possible in the place that is being considered, or not?

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