Category: Post Untitled, volume one

TUESDAY, 15 JUNE 2004

My identity, my life (I)

I now know what made me change direction on Sunday, 2 May/Monday, 3 May. On that Sunday afternoon I had telephone conversations with my older sister and with my old pal in Johannesburg – and with both of their babies. I was deeply impressed with how their lives showed a definite character, while I was still “on my way home”. I reached a point that afternoon where I realised I had a profound desire to also be in a position where I could say: This is my life, and my life is also good.

* * *

Everyone has their own particular lives. Then the camera turns in your direction, the microphone is pushed in your face, and the inevitable challenge is made: Identify your life.

And the answer: “I am Peter X living in City Y, and I fill my daily existence with …”

Traditional knowledge, and old screws

Many people do the “right thing” without reflecting on it too much. For me it has taken a long time to learn certain things – the kinds of things that, if I would tell people, “These are the conclusions I have come to after years of contemplation,” they would respond with, “We already know these things. We have been applying them in our own lives for quite some time. Did you really have to sit down and think about it?”

What is wrong with me? Did a screw loosen up somewhere in my head years ago? Am I stupid? No. (I had to be quick with that answer before I could seriously consider the possibility.)

What happened was that I had lost faith in what had been offered as “the truth” and “the way things work”. I questioned everything, and had to reconstruct from scratch my own worldview and frame of reference by which I could function as an adult outside the madhouse.

Eventually I once again accepted some “old” truths – the difference is that I know why. And understanding why I believe what I believe has to make my years of life on the “outside” worthwhile.

WEDNESDAY, 16 JUNE 2004

My identity, my life (II)

I got tired of listening to other people talk about their particular lives and then when I opened my mouth to talk about my life, all that came out were vague plans and vague promises to the effect that I did not have a life, “but I am on my way”.

The truth is, I do have a life! It’s not perfect, but it is good! And it is my life!

______________________

FRIDAY, 11 JUNE 2004

The question remains, what is the difference between “me, now” and “me, ten years ago”? What difference does it make that my knowledge about myself is more advanced now, or that I have defined myself more clearly?

Also, what’s the difference between me and anyone else whose knowledge about his or her SELF is not so advanced or someone who has not managed to define his or her SELF as clearly? Does it make me happier? More satisfied with myself? Does it enable me to more easily find peace with other people with whom I share a living environment?

Am I missing a great truth? How important is RESULT? [See notes in the piece, “The SELF is born” from Thursday, 8 April 2004.] Is this what distinguishes the artist from the salaried worker (if both have children, who can count as results of your life, or neither have any children)? Is it what distinguishes the person who sacrifices time and money for a good cause from the person who lives for him- or herself for the most part of their daily lives?

We come from Nothing, and we go back to Nothing. What we leave behind is what we have done with our lives – our handiwork, that which gives value to our lives while we are still living. (By the way, it’s strange that some people consider the “Nothing” reference as atheistic, and yet the line “You are dust and to dust you shall return” is central to the Christian funeral rite.)

Another question: How does the level of ENLIGHTENMENT an INDIVIDUAL reaches during their lifetime influence the RESULTS they leave behind?

* * *

On Friday, 11 June 2004 (23:15) I consider the following two questions as two of the most vital questions that any person can ask themselves:

1. WHAT MAKES YOUR LIFE WORTH LIVING?

2. WHAT RESULTS OF YOUR LIFE ARE YOU LEAVING BEHIND (AT THE PRESENT MOMENT)?

______________________

WEDNESDAY, 9 JUNE 2004

I call myself a writer, but yesterday I thought, am I not in the first place a teacher? I mean, so much of my writing is at least supposed to be educational. I can never get away from the idea that I am trying to explain something to the reader, that I am busy teaching something to an invisible audience – something that half of them already know anyway, and the other half either don’t understand, or they have no desire to understand.

Do I sometimes write in a way that makes it seem as if I consider myself clever? I should probably not try to deny it. Many people would certainly also challenge my ability to teach them something.

You, the reader, is however more than just the person on the other side of my sometimes unsolicited lessons. You are the link between what I am writing here in a dimly lit living room and the outside world. The fact that you are reading these words, at this moment, makes the writing of this text and the assembling of this entire project definitely worth it.

______________________

TUESDAY, 8 JUNE 2004

What is relevant and not relevant to the “owner” of the SELF are some of the most important considerations to take into account during the process of defining the SELF.

An example of this is opinion. Which issues are relevant enough for a person to formulate an opinion on and which not require knowledge of the SELF.

It follows that the smaller the area of which you are aware, the less information you receive, and therefore the easier it is to find/define your SELF.

For example, if I live in a big city and regularly interact with a wide variety of people, and I’m aware of political issues stretching from Northeast Asia to the Middle East to Central Africa, Europe and North America, as well as environmental issues, ethical issues, religious issues and many other topics one can have an opinion on, my process of defining an identity will take significantly longer than will be the case with a guy who grew up in a small town, who lives there as an adult, and who will eventually die there of old age.

One would like to say – because don’t most of us live in the “bigger” world? – that it is better to be aware of more and that it is boring to spend your entire life within a limited area. Arguments can also be made about “knowledge is power”, about the lack of more or better information leading to fears of that which some people may only be vaguely aware of, and lack of knowledge that leads to misunderstanding and prejudice against those who are not “like us”.

This issue of big world versus small town is not what interests me at the moment, and my current relationship with the “bigger” world is of such a nature that I have no incentive to make a case for or against participation and engagement.

The interesting question for me at this stage is whether you can fully define your SELF in a “large” environment where you regularly enter into new relationships, where issues come and go, and where new data flows in on a daily basis while you’re still trying to finish last month’s newspapers or current affairs magazines. I don’t think so.

Many people will agree that issues you have to take a position on as part of your identity are less important than relationships. The benefit of fewer, but more meaningful relationships, including positive family ties, is thus once again emphasised. (I did not try to work it in. It just emerged as the obvious answer to the question of what provides a solid foundation to the SELF in an ever changing world. Therefore, it would seem that I have once again, after a round of intellectual contemplation, come across a bit of wisdom that the proverbial “everyone” knows.)

A balance can, therefore, be proposed between the “small” world at home, and the “big” world outside your front gate; priority given to the former provides people at the end of the day with a firmer definition and more certainty of SELF.

But now that I think about it … is this not what most people are already doing? Of course! People are brilliant! (Just a pity they don’t know it.)

______________________

TUESDAY, 8 JUNE 2004

So that the masses know

Being in a loving relationship is what makes life worth living for many people. I am not in a loving relationship, so I have to try a lot harder to make my life worth living. My attempts may ultimately prove to be inadequate, but until that day comes, I plan to keep my collar to the wind. And continue walking.

Life is a joy ride

I reckon I may not make it.

I know what my teenage years were like. I know how my twenties played out, and I am currently ticking off my thirties one year at a time. What will my forties be like? My fifties? Will I even make it to forty? Do I even want to make it?

The fact of the matter is this, I bet everything I believe in, my hopes, the value and meaning of my life as well as what is still going to make my life worth living, I bet everything on the miracle of meaningful relationships with a few other people!

* * *

This is how it is: Adam lived alone in Paradise. He thought it a good place, but he felt lonely. Then God made him a wife. And then they were happy. That is where the story should have ended.

But when they did something wrong – they ate.

From the tree.

Of knowledge.

* * *

On my way back from town, and I reckon: I will make it. Many of the people I see every day are not going to make it, but I will.

______________________