Category: Post Untitled, volume three

MONDAY, 13 AUGUST 2007

[Thoughts after a conversation with a friend]

It took a long time for me to see other people more as they really are, and not as I make them – and sometimes want them to be – in my own, sometimes simplistic world. It remains true, though, that some people will always be in the minority at backyard barbecues or at a family table during Sunday lunch.

A simple truth, number two: If most members of a group make the same lifestyle choices, these choices would appear to most members of the group as the best choices they can make – whether they really are such great choices, or not. (And to be fair – just because the majority thinks something is right, doesn’t mean they are necessarily wrong.)

A simple truth, number three: You can’t tell people they are wrong if you don’t present them with an alternative – and not an alternative that will work better for you, an alternative that would be better for them.

FRIDAY, 24 AUGUST 2007

I am glad that I wrote what I wrote when I wrote it, and with the conviction with which I did it. I still stand by what I wrote, but the world is a strange place: Crime pays for too many criminals, irrational people seem to be in control of way too much, and people drunk on religion wreak havoc wherever they go.

SATURDAY, 25 AUGUST 2007

Taiwan: Where I wrote what I had wanted to write, where I met the love of my life, and where I built up a foundation for my future.

Create something to leave behind, love and be loved, and make it possible for myself to grow old.

That is, so it seems, what I came here to do. Could I ever have asked for more?

THURSDAY, 30 AUGUST 2007

The Power of One – not only the power that one person has to alleviate the suffering of other people, but the power of one person whose suffering has been alleviated.

* * *

My purpose on earth is to relieve other people’s suffering. Being a writer provides you with a nice identity, a nice label to hang around your own neck. But my writing is a means to an end, namely, to alleviate other people’s suffering.

[16/05/2016: Is this true? Am I not just giving expression to my experience of an active existence? Would I rather help people than to leave them stranded by the side of the road? I would choose to assist them, but is my writing really an attempt to find stranded people by the side of the road – so to speak – and then to help them get home?]

SATURDAY, 8 SEPTEMBER 2007

“George W. Bush is presiding over one of the darkest periods of US history. And it isn’t just external factors that are causing this situation, Bush himself is one of the leading causes of darkness.” ~ Thought with which I woke up this morning. There was also a thought about eBay, but I can’t remember the details.

[A few notes written during September 2007 but without a date]

“The best time to have planted a tree was five years ago. The second best time is today.” ~ Chinese proverb

* * *

A salesman apparently tries his best to convince people to buy what he has to sell. A marketer, on the other hand, determines what people want, and then he finds or develops an appropriate product or service to offer them at a price.

I clearly have a long way to go.

* * *

Apparently, it is easier to sell two thousand $500 products than it is to sell fifty thousand $20 products.

______________________

MONDAY, 25 JUNE 2007

You go on a “search” to “find” yourself because you believe you are “lost” – and then, as many people believe, you get to a point where you discover what you are supposed to be, or you simply see what is left after the “search” has eliminated what you had thought you were supposed to be. It makes one think of someone walking around in a mall full of clothing stores, not really knowing what they are looking for, but nevertheless trying to see as much as possible and then evaluating their reactions to what they see.

To define yourself is more like someone in the same shopping mall trying on clothes, putting together an outfit that will be an outward manifestation of who and what he or she wants to be. How did this person figure out in the first place who they want to be? By walking around, observing as much as possible, and evaluating their reactions to what they observe.

TUESDAY, 26 JUNE 2007

19:12 (Number Nine Crooked Village station)

It occurred to me that I go through quite a range of emotions every Tuesday at the language school at Number Nine. No other period of time in an average week can even remotely compare with it.

It starts with a fatalistic acceptance – from the moment I have to start getting ready until the 17:22 dumps me in the dusty hamlet that is Number Nine. Then it changes to miserable boredom, and my attempts to do something with my arms and hands, and with my voice, that could pass as English teaching. Then, more often than not, one or more of the children’s behaviour or their blatant disrespect drives me to the edge of a red-faced blowout and a very strong desire to throw something at the offending little gangsters in the back of the class. Then a softening of emotion when I remind myself that their behaviour probably still fits on the range of normal behaviour for pre-teens themselves bored out of their skulls.

Finally, at 18:59 comes the relief – that is to say if I am fortunate enough, like tonight, to be informed that the boredom will not last until past eight because the only student attending the second class is absent.

That brings me to the current moment, waiting for the train at Number Nine’s station. Within thirty minutes I will be back at home, with my routine and … let’s just say, a more limited range of emotions.

______________________

TUESDAY, 1 MAY 2007

A few weeks ago, I noted how vulnerable we all are (“All of us,” I said), and that the only reason we are not completely … ruined is because we find in each other comfort and protection.

Then, on Monday, 16 April 2007 a 23-year-old student in America took two pistols from his drawer, loaded them with bullets, put on his “uniform”, pointed the pistols in the direction of more than sixty people, and pulled the trigger again and again. Easiest thing in the world. Thirty-two people died.

The shooter wasn’t strong. He wasn’t exceptionally intelligent. He wasn’t rich. What he was able to do was to buy two pistols with a credit card, point the loaded pistols in the direction of students and lecturers trapped in their classrooms, and pull the trigger. Thirty-two lives ended, and 32 families are plunged into grief.

We are vulnerable, all right.

Fact is, we all have dark impulses. We all have the ability to kill, and to destroy, and to harm. To find reason not to kill, to find reason not to destroy, and to find reason not to harm, is ultimately our only hope.

* * *

For some people identity becomes a crisis when they realise they have multiple choices, options, and possibilities.

THURSDAY, 3 MAY 2007

Thursday or Monday or Friday, 13 or 5 or 10 April or September or May.

There was the thought about choices and identity. Then the other night I drove past my old neighbourhood and thought: “I lived there.” And then the disconnect: I lived there?

I-now am in terms of responsibility under the law still the same person as the one who lived in that neighbourhood four years ago, the same person who lived in Korea ten years ago, and the same person who arrived with R100 in my pocket in Stellenbosch sixteen years ago. In terms of spiritual and intellectual growth, I-now am however only related to the person who did X, Y and Z, or who lived in A, B or C; a direct descendant, if you want to be more specific.

MONDAY, 21 MAY 2007

“You know how it is: the dust settles, you settle in, and one day you open your eyes and ten years have gone by. That’s how you end up in a place like this.” ~ thought inspired by a dilapidated house in my old neighbourhood

TUESDAY, 22 MAY 2007

A few days ago I talked with [someone close to me], and she told me how bad things are going – money, property on the market, second child on the way, husband that can’t handle stress. I realised I couldn’t really identify with her problems, and because I couldn’t identify, my options for encouragement and advice were limited: “Hang in there!” isn’t always appropriate.

What can you say? If you say one thing, the other person says something else that undermines the relevance of your advice or the effectiveness of your encouragement. So you find yourself in a position where you are looking for something that cannot be argued with, something that does not depend on something else to happen first for the advice or encouragement to be valid. Hang in there … for what? Because things will change? If they don’t change, “Hang in there!” sounds pretty hollow.

“Fight for the fighting spirit,” I suddenly declared, the conviction back in my voice, “for the sake of fighting for the fighting spirit! On that I won’t compromise.”

Why? It is absolute. It does not depend on anything else like better days around the corner to make it valid. It is valid because the alternative is unthinkable. If you do not fight for the Fighting Spirit, the Fighting Spirit will die. And if that happens, you will never live again.

Even if better times really are just around the corner.

FRIDAY, 25 MAY 2007

Natasja is coming back tomorrow, so I am trying to clean up my apartment – specifically the disorder I call my storeroom. It was here where I recently discovered a hot plate, a book bag that has never been used – and my current one is seriously frayed, and a packet of printed papers dating back to a series of classes I did in July and August 2005.

Between the usual boring lists, vocabulary, sentence constructions and dialogues, the following note dating from Tuesday, 2 August 2005: “From the moment you open your eyes in the morning to the moment they shut late at night you are engaged in a struggle for survival – and for happiness, to make the survival worth it.”

______________________

SUNDAY, 18 MARCH 2007

22:27

Beep-beep, beep-beep. Here is the news at 22:28.

Brand Smit, writer of yesteryear, still under house arrest after the shocking and unexpected return to a position of power of the Commercial Dictator  a year ago, has come to the following realisation: After eight years in Taiwan, and two years of true love, he is indeed still in exile.

“I have been in this place for eight years,” he announced to his beloved a few minutes ago, “and two of those years have been with you, my true love. If I still cannot call this place my home, when will I?”

“Where is your home then?” his beloved was on the verge of asking when he pre-empted her. “In no way do I mean to say that South Africa is my home!

“No,” he continued, “I am still in exile because I have no money.”

And as he rubbed his thumb against his crooked index finger, he announced solemnly, “My exile has nothing to do with place; it has to do with ability. I am in exile because I have failed.”

22:45

HOME is not necessarily a single geographical place. HOME is where you have the ability to do what you want. HOME – is where you are free.

MONDAY, 26 MARCH 2007

Last weekend, just before I fell asleep one night, the idea of rebirth struck again. And I know: as the current incarnation of BRAND SMIT is slowly dying, so the next, stronger incarnation is growing.

Sunday I thought back to my July 2003 holiday in South Africa, and how I had felt about my life at that time. I read Natasja a few pages from “Exile 14” – including text about the rebirth that had taken place in the first half of 2003. I realised that there was something about that time that is absent now. The only possibility: “Personal Agenda”.

Then it hit me: focal point of identity.

From March 2003 until the beginning of last year, “Personal Agenda” and other literary projects were the axis around which my identity revolved. I was a writer, and I could show what I meant.

Who and what am I now if daily activities are an indication of identity? I am an entrepreneur – without money; and I am a master of projects – who can’t seem to finish anything he works on.

SATURDAY, 31 MARCH 2007

It is simply amazing: Reality is always ZERO. Things will change, your life will improve, sometimes by leaps and bounds, but the next day your reality is still ZERO.

You will protest and say, “How can it still be ZERO after what happened yesterday, or with this new technology that I have acquired that will make my life so much easier?”

The fact is, things that change get absorbed; the circle closes, and the New Reality becomes the New ZERO. As if things have always been like that.

THURSDAY, 5 APRIL 2007

An idea hit me a few days ago: Everyone is vulnerable. Everyone. There is not a single soul on this planet who is not vulnerable in some way, at some or other time.

This may compel one to recognise that we are all in trouble – or in slightly alternative wording, that we are all fucked. Is it not so?

Only one possibility remains: to look out for each other.

MONDAY, 9 APRIL 2007

Has to make money, don’t want to do nine-to-five, don’t want to call anyone “Boss”, don’t want to be bored or stuck in a place with rules that dictate when you may go outside. Has written much, but doesn’t want to submit material for commercial approval, or make changes to material for the sake of commercial acceptability.

Until recently I thought I was in trouble, and then I discovered that you can do more on the Internet than just e-mail and search for information.

[Two undated notes from later in 2007]

Says one guy: Multiple sources of income are all fair and well, but if you give people looking for opportunities to make money on the Internet too many options, they will choose not to decide.

* * *

It would always have been a dangerous combination: dozens of possibilities and my strong inclination towards excessive ambition. This combination struck in February 2006.

THURSDAY, 12 APRIL 2007

1. Thirteen years ago I wanted to be a hermit.

2. An aversion to any conventional position of employment is virtually a characteristic of my personality.

3. Three years ago I wrote a lot about non-appearance (“Desert or City?”)

4. I feel drained, and wonder if it’s time for my annual “Big Fatigue”.

5. Tuesday on the train the idea of retirement hit me as an ultimate ideal.

The pattern is clear enough. But in the meantime I have to survive.

______________________

MONDAY, 29 JANUARY 2007

In the last hour, I had a vision of myself suddenly old, five or so years from now. Tired, not in the mood anymore for messing around or struggling; sitting in a chair, enjoying the view, blanket covering my legs.

I say, if someone looks at my life right now, it may seem peaceful, but a war is raging. And the fact that I am busy winning doesn’t mean it’s getting easier.

MONDAY, 26 FEBRUARY 2007

Natasja G.: Inner strength, and a strong sense of doing the right thing, doing things right, and taking pride in what she does.

TUESDAY, 27 FEBRUARY 2007

A substantial change takes place in a person’s life, and the earth keeps turning without missing a beat. You want to scream, “Hold the ball! Sun, give me a second! Everybody just hang on – I just have a think a while …”

Unfortunately, this is how it happens: breakfast, lunch, dinner, TV, bedtime, breakfast, massive change, lunch, dinner, TV, bedtime, morning, food, TV, night, sleep, breakfast …

SUNDAY, 11 MARCH 2007

“Says who?” and “Who are you?” – the building blocks of my personal ideology.

TUESDAY, 13 MARCH 2007

At times I feel like saying, “Go lie down! Sleep until two o’ clock and watch TV the rest of the day! Assume that you will forever throw obstacles in your own way! Confess! Admit that you’ve failed!”

Then I think of something else – and I cannot but say, “Keep your perspective. My success six months from now and two years from now, and ten years from now will always be rooted in the past twelve months, and the number of years that gave birth to the last twelve months.”

* * *

So time passes. I get up. I switch everything on, open the curtains, work – and fifteen hours later I turn everything off, draw the curtains, and go to sleep. And when I open my eyes again, another two months have gone by.

______________________