Category: Post Untitled, volume three

SUNDAY, 5 FEBRUARY 2006

A theological implication of evolution: If creatures, including human beings evolve, to increase their chances of survival, is it not true that we are our own creators? One example: According to my Concise Encyclopedia: “Merychippus [an extinct proto-horse that was endemic to North America during the Miocene period, 5 to 23 million years ago] […] developed longer limbs to escape from predators.”

By the way, there are 4,000 different species of simple single cell organisms such as bacteria; 50,000 complex single cell organisms such as amoebas; 100,000 species of fungi such as mushrooms; 400,000 species of plants; and 2 million species of animals.

TUESDAY, 7 FEBRUARY 2006

14:25

What is my writing about? At first glance it appears to be nothing more than questions that one man asks about his own life to give it more meaning and value – with answers that seem to be applicable only to him. However, I believe if everyone – or at least more people than are currently the case – ask the same or similar questions about their own lives, the world would be a better place. I believe there would be less suffering, and that people would live more fulfilling, and more productive lives.

[14/10/2015: Difficult to determine how many people do ask themselves the questions to which I refer. It also wouldn’t help if you asked yourself some important questions and you come up with answers that make sense for you, but they ultimately cause more suffering to other people.]

16:50

I was wondering why I was so much more convinced of who I was, and about my role and value and place in the world in July 2004 than I am right now. I think the reason is definition of success. In July 2004 I defined success as the ability to live a certain life, and to do a particular kind of work. In 2004 I was able to live that life, and to do the kind of work I had wanted to do.

For the past year or so success has (understandably) once again been measured in financial terms. “When my projects are finally completed …” and “When I have more money in the bank …” have become hackneyed phrases. Then comes a time when my mood is a bit off, and I am forced to face the facts: 34, produce a lot of text, publish nothing; number of EFL projects of which only a few copies of one book have been sold; dream of other places, new furniture, more money… and in the meantime I keep on hacking away.

Maybe a little unfair, but at least I know where it comes from.

Perhaps this is then a good time to ask: How do I define success today, 7 February 2006?

Success, to me, would be to bring about a life where I can spend the hours that make up each day as I see fit. And, unfortunately, financial success is a vital part of that life.

THURSDAY, 9 FEBRUARY 2006

09:51

Frightening new possibilities – maybe I should get in touch with old feelings brought on by the hot sun and poverty and shame to put things into perspective.

Another thing: the root of many evils is not money, but low self-esteem, uncertainty about who you are, and uncertainty about your place in this world.

18:28

Seven-year-old Judy of “talking to the eraser” fame walked up to my desk late this afternoon and as if to inform me of something I urgently needed to know, said: “Zìyán zìyǔ.”

I didn’t quite get what she was talking about. She then explained it in simple Mandarin, gesturing for emphasis: “No one next to you, no one in front of you, and yet you are having a conversation.”

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SATURDAY, 21 JANUARY 2006

13:11

I am getting bored with my methodology of the past few years: go through the steps of a relatively normal day, observe people and happenings around me, think, make notes, think some more, chat with someone, read something, smoke a cigarette, think again, make more notes …

15:57

Where am I going with my writing?

An intellectual buddha I will never become, and no matter how long I wonder about it, or how many essays I write, the Complete Truth I will never know or understand.

So the question is, where to now?

SUNDAY, 22 JANUARY 2006

For years I have written about exile, identity, roles you can play, purpose in life you can pursue, place in the world, and self-development and self-respect – especially if you are on your own. The exile issue in my life was to a large extent resolved with the “hatchet” notes. My identity, role and purpose, and place in the world have also to a large extent been sorted and defined. And since last year I am not alone anymore.

For the past twelve to eighteen months I have, to a large extent (apologies for the repeated use of the phrase), focused my attention on a vague search for Absolute Truth. This, as I wrote last night, is too big, for me, in my current life.

That means for the first time in years I am presented with a new issue: What am I going to write about now?

SUNDAY, 29 JANUARY 2006

If knowledge can be described as a walled city, then I am but a peasant working the fields around it. And if the Ultimate Truth Concerning All Things can be compared to the layout of the walled city’s intricate streets and the innermost secrets of her splendid and distinguished citizens, then my thoughts are but mutterings to myself about the size of the outer gate, and the depth of the moat surrounding the walls.

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FRIDAY, 6 JANUARY 2006

Realisation strikes: You become aware of the power and the choice to be good to someone, to do something that would make that person’s experience of reality better, something that may even give that person’s life a more beautiful quality. And it provides you with a particular satisfaction to turn that choice, that potential, into reality.

SUNDAY, 22 JANUARY 2006

A large part of what is called “love” in an intimate relationship is an intense compassion the two people have for one another, which in turn stems from a perception, after repeated and continuous contact in a wide range of situations, of the “other one” as one like me, in the most significant philosophical and psychological way possible.

The compassion aspect of “love” is deeply rooted. Once this attitude towards a particular person takes root, it can last a lifetime. It is much, much stronger than mere feeling – which can vary from day to day, and according to mood and circumstance.

Choice – an expression of free will and an expression of how you see yourself, how you define yourself and how you wish to be seen by others – plays a greater role in the compassion aspect of love than in the excitement of romantic euphoria.

The more compassion there is in an intimate relationship, the more accurately the relationship can be described as one where “true love” is the order of the day – or a relationship where “true love” acts as the ruling agent. If an intimate relationship is primarily characterised by romantic euphoria, with the much more significant and substantial compassion aspect mostly absent, or where the relationship is regularly jeopardised by actions and behaviour that fluctuate according to feeling, it would be more accurate to say that “true love” is indeed not the governing agent in a particular relationship.

True love can ultimately only develop in an intimate relationship if the respective characters of the two parties permit it – character which stems from the development of your person, self-knowledge and a healthy degree of self-esteem.

SATURDAY, 28 JANUARY 2006

The ability to love precedes any significant relationship. It is of course a common occurrence for a relationship between two people to be conducive for this ability to love to be activated. It is also true that some relationships prove over the course of some time to simply not be conducive to activating this ability.

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THURSDAY, 26 JANUARY 2006

20:13

Fear of embarrassment: the large, hidden cause for a certain approach to life I have never been able to shake. I have always thought if you reach your dying moment, and five minutes earlier you were still jumping around laughing in joy that you were still alive, how embarrassed you would feel in that final moment before you breathe your last breath. Imagine how silly, how stupid you would feel! Almost as if you’d like to say to the Angel of Death, “I am sorry I was so frivolous just five minutes ago … if I had known … and I should have known! If I had considered the possibility at that moment that I could be uttering my final words in five minutes’ time … I would have been so much more solemn and sincere! I wouldn’t have made jokes or listened to such upbeat music! In fact, I disrespected Death by being so frivolous! Now look at me! I feel so terribly ashamed!”

So then you are serious all the time. Or if not all the time, you make sure you think about death often enough, and about terrible things that can happen, and about all the situations that could bring you trouble if you are not careful, so that when you do get into a difficult spot, or worse, if you’re staring Death in the face, at least you don’t have to be embarrassed. So that no one, least of all yourself, can say at that final moment, “Yes, and to think you were having such a good laugh just moments ago!” Or, “Just the other day you were so happy. How silly you look now!”

Fear of embarrassment – how many carefree days, how much happiness do I not sacrifice on the altar of this fear?

* * *

What is fear of embarrassment? What is shame? Is it not to be exposed for what you are – naked, small, vulnerable, frightened, and at the end, mortal, like a plant or an insect? This despite our best efforts to make ourselves appear better and more sophisticated than plants or insects or other animals.

“Are we not more important than plants or insects?” you might ask.

Of course we are, many would argue. But at what point does More Important Than A Plant Or An Insect become our demise? At what point do pride and self-love become the causes of our fear to be exposed?

In the end: What are we? What is our real value? How is it measured? And is one last moment of shameless recognition of our mortality worth the effort to avoid a careless moment of being slightly too joyous?

20:43

As if you will fall even further when Death and Misfortune hit you while you tried to worry a little less and be a little happier, and every so often succeeded.

But keep struggling, stay poor, keep wallowing in the dirt … at least you won’t have far to fall.

And dream! Yes, dream of lots of money and happy times and doing whatever you want! Dreams are cheap! Just make sure you never go so far as to work hard enough to turn your dreams into reality. Because once you have a lot of money, once you see how nice it is … that days go by that you don’t worry about a thing, when you can travel and visit interesting places and spend time with family and do things you enjoy … you’ll climb higher and higher … and you’ll have so much further to fall.

Twenty years ago I would have thought God would look at me with anger in his eyes if I aim to climb too high. Now it is Death and Misfortune. And you have to respect them. “Stay low,” you tell yourself. “Struggle. Keep dreaming, though. It doesn’t matter after all …”

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WEDNESDAY, 18 JANUARY 2006

A strange sensation hit me tonight after my tutoring session: envy. Stranger still was the person about whom I felt envious: Siddhartha Gautama, better known as the “Buddha”.

The sensation stemmed from a conversation I had had with a student in her mid-thirties whom I meet twice weekly for an English class. At one point during our session, she told me about the new religion espoused by her ex-husband. I said it sounded like a particular truth, rather than a universal truth.

“Universal truth?” she inquired.

“Yes,” I replied, “something that no person can deny.”

“Like what?”

“Well,” I said, “maybe you can answer that question.” (She is after all the student.)

“Love,” she tentatively replied. “All people believe in love.”

“Love is a virtue,” I corrected her, “not really a truth.”

After about a minute, during which she mostly talked about something else, I was ready with an answer. “People are born. People die. Those are examples of universal truths that no one can deny.”

A comment from her about Buddhism reminded me of a tenet of that religion which I have always considered to have a universal value. “All suffering is caused by desire,” I recited. “That could also count as a universal truth.”

Conscientious as she is, she wrote it down in her notebook. “What do you think of that?” she asked.

“I think it’s not that simple,” I answered. “Say I want to assist someone in need and act on this desire, but suffer painful consequences because of my assistance, where did I go wrong? Should I not have helped the person in need? Am I being punished because of my benevolence?”

“The Buddha said …” she responded, but I couldn’t quite follow the rest of what she was trying to say (she has a tendency to correct herself several times in the course of a sentence, and I started thinking about my dinner that would soon follow).

“That’s interesting,” I said when she stopped talking.

The session ended shortly after our conversation about the Buddha. As I was exiting the classroom, the sensation I interpreted as envy hit my consciousness. “There’s no doubt that the Buddha was much wiser than I am, and certainly a lot smarter,” I thought out loud. “If I could disappear for a few years into the jungle, and grow my beard and hair and never brush my teeth – who knows what a person can come up with?”

On the way back from the vegetables and meat place, I continued my train of thought. “Maybe I should read up about this man, the Buddha, and about the ideas he has given the world.”

The reason I want to learn more about the Buddha is not to ultimately present myself to the world as a Buddhist. My identity, as I know myself at this stage of my life and as I present myself to people is adequate. I have no need to say “I am …” and then to complete the sentence with reference to some or other religion. Religion for millions of people is an irreplaceable determinant of identity. Religious people also claim that the religions they adhere to are the carriers of universal truths – when in fact they are the carriers of a significant amount of cultural taboos, preferences, prejudices and rules that are presented as “truths”. For many people, however, the search for an identity is more important than truth. Religion X then becomes the truth for Person Y because he is a follower of Religion X, instead of him being a follower of Religion X because, as he might explain, “After careful consideration and years of study, I have found this religion to provide the most comprehensive understanding of life as I know it, and is therefore worthy of my adherence to its beliefs.”

Nevertheless, the reason I want to read more about Mr Gautama is because I am curious to know what ideas a man comes up with if he spends years living in a jungle, with little or no contact with other people. How would your understanding of life and human existence change if you lived in the bush alone for months at a time, never shaving, never brushing your teeth, never washing, never laundering your clothes, sleeping on the ground, drinking water from a river, getting sick but not going to the doctor, developing a toothache but not going to the dentist; if you ate leaves and roots and fruit, and no meat, and you spent your days and nights mostly sitting under a tree contemplating questions concerning human existence?

——————–

Some time ago I asked: Desert or City? Appear or Disappear? Considering where I come from and the world I am familiar with, I chose City, and therefore to appear, rather than to disappear like a modern ascetic to contemplate in silence and in my own time human existence.

I also said, if I choose City, if I choose to appear as the person that I had discovered in my head and in my body, and as the person I defined myself to be and whom I choose to be, I can no longer do so alone. I need a partner, I noted down in some journal.

A few weeks after writing the above thoughts, I met a young woman. Within a few months we discovered that we see things in each other that we had not been able to see in other people we had met up to that point in our lives. We also believed we could find something in each other that neither of us had found in another person.

Thus my life was to continue in the City, and my appearance as “Brand Smit” was indefinitely renewed.

Still I wonder: What would a person discover if they enter the wilderness for any length of time, without the comfort of a dentist or a doctor, or the luxury of running water and a flush toilet and toilet paper, or the entertainment provided by TV, or the internet, or newspapers and books, or friends, or movie theatres? Indeed, what would you find without love – if you have a vague idea how to find what you cannot necessarily articulate?

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