Category: Post Untitled, volume three

TUESDAY, 1 SEPTEMBER 2009

I am playing “She loves me, she loves me not” – only this time it is, “I have a deep-seated problem that prevents me from making more money, I do not have a deep-seated problem …”

I reckon I’ve identified another problem: I want to avoid it as far as possible to make significant appearances. This affects my private English tutoring possibilities, and it affects business opportunities where people would expect to be able to contact me and ask about things.

“Leave me alone!” may just cost me my financial independence.

THURSDAY, 3 SEPTEMBER 2009

For me it has always been, and still is to some extent, a very unnatural thing to try to make money.

However, there are many activities that do feel natural to me, that seem to be a better fit for my personality, my personal style, and my self-perception.

This leads to a simple and obvious conclusion: I need to learn to make these activities profitable.

SATURDAY, 5 SEPTEMBER 2009

There are good people to be found everywhere who do not know you but who are willing to help you; also, good people who, without them or you being aware of it, need your help.

There are also people who would be interested in what you have to say, if what you have to say actually ever reached their eyes or ears.

That you sometimes need to take a few steps outside your comfort zone suddenly doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

TUESDAY, 8 SEPTEMBER 2009

When I wake up in the morning, I do not see work waiting for me, I see opportunities.

I am 38 years old. Despite making some serious mistakes, I have clearly managed to get a few basic things right.

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TUESDAY, 4 AUGUST 2009

I live in a grey world. No one is ever 100% guilty, and no one is ever completely innocent. Life is beautiful, and life is merciless. Life is sometimes fraught with patterns and deeper meaning, and sometimes there is absolutely no sense or reason to life. People die, but they don’t quite disappear into the nothingness. You stay the same, and sometimes you change so much that it is ridiculous to suggest that you are still the same person you used to be.

WEDNESDAY, 5 AUGUST 2009

Certainly there are people who say: “My name is John Smith. I have read and heard people talk about finding your true self, choosing your own name and things like that, and I know my name is not who I am – but it works well enough for me.”

Also: “I’m not always sure what is meant by the idea of having an agenda. I don’t know if I also have what some people call, a personal agenda. I do work for a cause I believe in. I do my best to assist people who are struggling to keep their heads above water. Whether my name is John or Tom, or Uncle or Brother, it matters less than my share in this struggle. Personal agenda? I think some people focus too much on themselves.”

THURSDAY, 6 AUGUST 2009

15:14

I am surviving. I eat lots of vegetables and chicken and fish, and I drink lots of tea and water. I ride my bicycle and do exercises in the morning. I drink very little alcohol, and I stopped smoking.

I am surviving, but I won’t say I’m maintaining the same quality of life as before. I have little social contact with people of my age, and I rarely enjoy social recreation of a kind common among people who superficially can be regarded as my socio-economic peers. Almost forty months have passed since I had last seen my family. I have no cash to fall back on, should I accidentally fall off my bike, or more likely, if one of my teeth should suddenly fall out of my mouth. Lastly, I am pulling through each month by the seat of underpants with way too many holes in them – and I am no longer 19 or 28; in all honesty, I expected to at least be pulling through by the seat of better quality underwear by the time I reached my late thirties.

[Editor’s note: The last reference was an unintended mixed idiom of “flying by the seat of your pants” and “pulling through by the skin of your teeth”. What I meant to say was, of course, money was extremely tight, which in Afrikaans is expressed in the word, “broekskeur” which literally means “torn pants”.]

17:50

Money is the measure, everybody knows that. That is why violent, psychopathic members of organised crime syndicates are considered successful by a significant percentage of society, while poor but talented artists are regarded as failures by many people.

The fact that violent, psychopathic gang members are also feared by the general public, and locked up whenever possible, is an indication that the story is somewhat complex.

SUNDAY, 9 AUGUST 2009

I am currently trying to change the view that my life has only been about money since early 2006.

Here is another opinion: If that is true, if my life has mainly revolved around trying to make money the past more than three years, is it really that surprising that it hasn’t been a roaring success?

FRIDAY, 14 AUGUST 2009

Without something specific that I must do – a project, or a specific part of a project – I feel ridiculous, lost and unsure of myself.

In other words, if I am not actually working on something, I feel unsure of myself, unsure of what I’m doing with my life, and even uncertain about the value of my existence. (What can I say, things easily get out of hand with me.)

THURSDAY, 20 AUGUST 2009

My subconscious is like a three-year-old child (albeit a pretty powerful one) living in the here-and-now. This “child” believes my current life is survivable, okay, and comfortable enough.

That it is not sustainable for many good reasons does not bother this “child” at all. All he is interested in is whether the here-and-now is safe and comfortable.

Well, nothing is threatening my person at this very minute, and I am sitting on a fairly comfortable chair.

Good enough, thinks the “child”. Hence, no need for change.

Which brings me to the present moment, forty months later.

THURSDAY, 27 AUGUST 2009

Let’s be honest: What I have gone through since 2006 qualifies on many grounds as an utterly complete, deeply profound and thoroughly significant failure.

I say this with the greatest respect for myself. I say this with an open heart and a good attitude, because I know the road ahead looks good; I also know the road behind me is part of my life story.

MONDAY, 31 AUGUST 2009

11:55

Think of sensory reasons why you would want to succeed financially. Think of sensory rewards of financial success. (Imagine you are successful. What do you smell? What do you see? What do you feel under your fingers? What do you taste?)

20:55

There is, I suspect, “something” in me that prevents me from succeeding financially. Let us for the moment call it, “IT”.

I, together with my subconscious, my rational mind, and my creative nature, will destroy IT.

______________________

THURSDAY, 9 JULY 2009

It’s not me. It’s just an involuntary chemical reaction in response to an external situation. To say, “Look at what an ass I am making of myself again!” is incorrect. It is most certainly not I.

THURSDAY, 23 JULY 2009

11:33

I watched the last part of Boiler Room this morning. It made me think. We’re constantly bothered with ambition and success and with how we compare with our peers, and with people younger than us, and with people older than us when they were our age.

But here’s something to consider: Try not to cause too much harm. If at the end of a day, or at the end of a week, you can look back and say, “I reckon I didn’t do too many things that would cause me or other people trouble down the road,” then you should already be able to give a sigh of relief.

Success, and dreams that become true are then a bonus, not just a stick with which you prod yourself forward every day.

[Here is what the British actor of Yes, Minister fame, Paul Eddington once said during an interview on TV: “A journalist once asked me what I would like my epitaph to be and I said I think I would like it to be ‘He did very little harm’. And that’s not easy. Most people seem to me to do a great deal of harm. If I could be remembered as having done very little, that would suit me.”]

17:55

Everyone takes chances. Everyone “gambles”. Playing roulette, opening a coffee shop, getting married, betting on horses, taking a new job, no matter how you spell it or how it comes out of your mouth, it’s all gambling.

FRIDAY, 31 JULY 2009

A few points:

1. A failure, for all practical purposes, and for several good reasons; this is how I appear to myself, to Natasja, to her friends, to my family, and even to my few friends.

2. For this reason, and for the associated desperate need for regeneration, or merely just good old transformation, I am now going to shave off my beard. (Clean: 14:28)

______________________

FRIDAY, 5 JUNE 2009

10:27

Okay, I admit it: I may have thought adult life would be easier.

21:01

In my own country, I would have been trying to get another part-time job as soon as possible, seeing that my current employer cannot or does not want to give me more work.

Unfortunately, my legal situation in Taiwan is similar to that of peasants in the Middle Ages. Like them, I cannot just walk over to the next district to sell my labour there. My work permit ties me exclusively to my current employer: I can be punished – including getting deported – if I work for anyone else without permission, even part-time. (Of course, I have little choice but to do it anyway a few hours a week, regardless of the risk.) Even my current residence is linked to my employer – I don’t have to rent this apartment, but it is my reality at this stage.

SATURDAY, 6 JUNE 2009

An image: Me standing at a traffic light with a sign around my neck: “Will teach for money.”

That is how I feel about the idea of self-marketing.

Okay, two more images – difference this time is that I will focus on the person inside the car.

Image two: It’s a hot day. Cars are steaming up at a red traffic light. You step closer, with a sign that says, “Will sell ice cold cola for cash!”

Image three: A blinding dust storm just ended half an hour ago. The air is dusty, but the wind is still. Motorists at the red traffic light hang from their windows frantically wiping their windshields with handkerchiefs or any other piece of cloth they can lay their hands on. You step closer with a sign around your neck that says, “Will wipe windshield clean for cash!”

WEDNESDAY, 10 JUNE 2009

Look at 1916 through the eyes of someone born in 1840.

Look at 1956 with the eyes of someone born in 1895, not with the eyes of someone born in 1975.

Look at 1823 with the eyes of someone born in 1770, someone who remembers “simpler times”.

THURSDAY, 18 JUNE 2009

It is as if this subtropical summer rain, and the warm, humid air that keeps clothing and towels and bedding damp all the time intensify my internal problems – problems with myself, what I do for money …

SATURDAY, 20 JUNE 2009

Life is a process of elimination: friends, tertiary education, career, town or city, home, address, lifestyle, partner, the next step. It is just as much a choice for what you do not want to do next as it is for what you do want to do next.

______________________

THURSDAY, 11 JUNE 2009

I dislike any casual comparison to the tragedy that was the First World War (1914-1918), but today I couldn’t help but register some parallels with my own story in recent years of trying to make money from home.

1. In World War One, everyone had hoped for a quick war at the start, in August 1914. The reality was a war of attrition that lasted for more than four years.

2. Most people thought at the outset, “The boys will be home for Christmas.”

3. Hope for a quick outcome did not fade after the first year or two, or even after the third year of war.

4. Optimism and in hindsight naïve faith were placed on any strategy that could end the war quickly. In the end, the war was long and bitter, and few of the strategies justified the initial optimism.

5. After three years of stalemate, Germany started taking bigger chances, hoping for a reversal of a grave situation. Initial results looked promising to the German military leaders, but the greater risks they had taken eventually sealed and accelerate their end (amongst other things the indiscriminate attacks on commercial shipping led to the entry of the US into the war).

6. The longer the war lasted, the more difficult it became to compromise on the result. That too much had been sacrificed already was a sentiment widely held.

7. The war broke out with more enthusiasm than planning; too much passion and not enough practical consideration. Vague, ambitious answers were given to the question of ultimate goal.

8. The war eventually passed, but the peace was wasted. Nothing should ever be taken for granted.

FRIDAY, 12 JUNE 2009

Stalemate, attrition, waste of resources, missed opportunities, muddled command, ego and personality getting in the way of getting things done, ego and personality being primary causes of misfortune.

WEDNESDAY, 17 JUNE 2009

Written about one of the German military leaders during the First World War: “[…] prudent, clear-minded […] did not propose to embark on some gigantic […] gamble aimed at winning the war outright.” (The Great War, p.67)

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