Category: Where you are nobody

Tuesday, 10 December 1996

I’m developing a huge complex – it’s basically related to the massive baggage I always carry with me. Every time I compare myself to people, I come second. There’s always so much I want to do, but how much of that actually ever gets done? I keep talking and talking and talking.

I think I’m too scared to try anything. I’m afraid of losing the little bit of security I manage to scrape together every day. I’m unsure of myself. I talk and talk and half of the time nothing gets done.

And there’s so much still to learn about life …

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Friday, 29 November 1996

A whole new experience! [My one Canadian friend] and I went to a video store to watch videos. We left the store just after three o’clock this morning. It was raining, I thought, and immediately remembered that I didn’t put the basin under the leak in my room. Then [the Canadian] said it was snowing. I said I wouldn’t know. Then he said, “Look at the cars …”

Then I saw it – snow that covered the cars like blankets, and the “rain” falling softly to the ground.

After a snowball fight that lasted half an hour, we bought coffee at a vending machine next to the road and smoked some Omar Sharifs. I couldn’t stop looking at the single car in a parking area covered in snow.

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Thursday, 21 November 1996

I have to make this note before another month passes! A while ago, a week would have felt endlessly long. Now time is passing two weeks at a time! It’s Thursday today, and I still remember looking at the clock in the classroom last week Monday, thinking how slowly time was passing. And that was last week Monday!

Three weeks ago I had been in Korea for four months, with four months left before my target month of February. In a week I will have been here for five months, with three months to go to my target …

I know in many ways it will be beneficial to stay longer, but I’m sticking to February. As time draws nearer, we’ll talk again.

December I think is going to be all right; probably just fucking cold.

As things are standing right now, I’m planning to resign in ten weeks, and to go home in fourteen weeks …

Monday, 25 November 1996

According to Plan A, I’ll return to South Africa in three months. Three months. What I’ll leave behind is a sometimes dull, sometimes exhausting, sometimes depressing, sometimes exciting, yet ultimately unforgettable life where I earn a few thousand rand every month, and where I spend time with people I now call friends that I will probably never see again.

What I’ll be entering is a world where I can speak my own language, see old friends, and spend a few days in Stellenbosch. Within a few weeks, I’ll be going to Europe for a new phase of my life.

The latest I can go back is the end of May – six months and one week from now. In a month I will have been here for six months, and then May is five months away.

Solution: I still have to work and save for the end of February. I’ll have to see how things work out, and talk again during December. If I decide February is too soon, I’ll have to look at March, and then at April.

I just have to remember it’s four o’clock on a Monday afternoon. This is usually a depressing time. I just have to try to get through today, and then tomorrow …

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Wednesday, 23 October 1996

All in all, Korea has so far been a valuable life experience. A somewhat romantic idea of living abroad has been supplemented with some concrete observations:

1. It’s not easy being away from my people. To be honest, I feel very much cut off from my family. (I don’t have a telephone at home, so I call them two or three times per month from a phone booth. That also means they can’t call me. And sending me faxes is too much trouble because the people here aren’t always that keen on helping.)

2. I always talk about where I’ll go and what I’d experience if I had a lot of money. But just look at where you go and what you do experience in your search for the “fortune” that will put you in that position!

Sunday, 27 October 1996

My life in Korea consists of three distinct periods of time:

1. The long, boring hours at work

2. The hours at home when I take it easy, drink coffee, listen to music, and think about things

3. Good times with friends and acquaintances

I won’t be able to turn back time and continue my life without the experiences I’ve had in Korea. What a strange experience! It’s definitely the kind of thing the bailiff can’t take away from you.

Tuesday, 29 October 1996

An intention: I have to make Korea as enjoyable as possible for myself. At some point it will be just another chapter in my life book. I should also remember that the chapter is still in the process of being written. It’s my responsibility to make sure it’s a good chapter. I’d better start working on interesting material!

What I’m trying to say is that I won’t be here forever. I don’t want to have any regrets about something that I didn’t do or didn’t experience because I just wanted time to pass as quickly as possible.

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Saturday, 7 September 1996

Working things out on my own enables me to deal more effectively with a confusing world. It helps if my pegs are well anchored to the winds that sometimes tear into one’s tent flaps.

Wednesday, 9 October 1996

I realised today there’s almost always a grey cloud hanging over me. An awareness of being happy is almost always one step ahead of me – but I also tend to stay one step ahead of a definite awareness of being miserable. Maybe a good balance?

The smallest things sometimes make me … happy – like being told just before my evening class that the class has been cancelled.

I am currently struggling to get through my classes. And it’s not because it’s hard work. It’s just so damn boring!

I just want to get through the boring hours at work so I can go home – even if I’m just sitting here doing nothing, at least I won’t be stuck in a classroom with a bunch of kids. I can smoke when I want to, make coffee, listen to music …

I have to do things that motivate me, and that stimulate my interest. I need to do something to make Korea worth staying for a year.

The fact is, the longer, the better.

The question remains: What happens after Korea?

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