Category: Where you are nobody

Sunday, 1 November 1998

Time to take stock again, and ask myself some important questions: Where am I heading, and what do I want to do with my life?

Believe it or not, it’s already been six months since I returned to South Africa! I increasingly look back at the few months between September/October last year and February/March/April of this year. It was a profound time in terms of answering important questions. The main ideas that had had a serious influence on my thinking in that period were “Belonging” and “Commitment”.

Now, after six months, I ask myself again: To what am I committed, and to what do I want to be committed? Where do I belong, and what do I want to be a part of? Earlier this year I had given some answers to these questions which for all practical purposes amounted to me wanting to establish myself in South Africa, and to committing myself to the world where I wanted to belong the most – which was my own country. I could however not put my finger on a single ambition of what I had wanted to do. I also did not have any detailed plans.

The past six months have enabled me to perhaps give a new interpretation to the above principles, and to get some clarity on the single ambition, the single dream. I want to write – poetry, short stories, articles, and anything else that needs to be written.

In order to pursue this, I would have to become more independent. I must be able to do what I want. I cannot be limited by the obligation to fork over R2000 per month to some or other institution. I should be allowed to spend my money on myself.

To achieve a position of self-reliance, freedom and independence, I need to make money. The faster I can reach this point, the better. But I would have to do it in such a way that I would still be able to pursue my singular ambition on a daily basis.

______________________

Saturday, 31 October 1998

Step One: I have to rehabilitate myself financially. I’m fed up with being a cashless fool. This empowerment will be achieved in two steps: 1) debt is zero, and 2) money is more.

Step Two: I have to buy a car.

Then, the ambition that started long before Step Two and that will still be important long after Step Two: to publish what I write.

These days, I am very business orientated with this ambition. And what person who starts a business, or who wants to market a product does not believe in their product? Will such a person invest time, effort and money in a product if they don’t believe that they can succeed? This is how I feel about my “product”.

Eugene Marais is Eugene Marais. Andre Brink is Andre Brink. And I am me. There are the giants of Afrikaans literature, and then there are office workers who write poetry while the boss is on a field trip. But I believe if there is a product that I can deliver from the depth of my being, it is my writing.

I also don’t allow myself to be seduced anymore by the idealism of not wanting to sell out to the establishment. Literary products become part of the marketplace at some point like any farm product or consumer item. You want someone to publish your work; people invest their money in you and your product; they hope to earn some profit from their investment.

Writers may be unique in many ways, but in the end they do what most other working people do: They use their abilities to create a product, and they are compensated accordingly.

______________________

Thursday, 13 August 1998

The Situation:

I have been living in Johannesburg for seven weeks. I work in an office in an administrative capacity. I earn between R1500 and R2000 per month. I rent a room in Norwood for R500 per month. I don’t have a car. I don’t have a proper postal address. I have to pay R2000 per month on my student loans. I live in someone else’s house. In the evenings, I watch someone else’s TV. I have to rely on friends to go anywhere outside a 3-kilometre radius of my room (except when I go to work, thankfully). I can’t afford the social activities of the circle in which I move. I’ve been struggling with a broken tooth for the past six weeks because I don’t have money to do anything about it.

The Problem:

Seeing that the money I brought back from Korea is almost depleted, I have to increase my income by at least 250% very soon to prevent my current strategy of paying off my debt from stalling. I depend on other people for habitation, transportation, and even for good food. This is not a desirable situation. Everything in my life is uncertain. Something drastic must be done.

Possible Solutions:

1. I need to find a job in South Africa where I can earn a salary of between five and six thousand rand a month.

2. I have to start a project with which I can earn between six and ten thousand rand a month.

3. I have to go back to Korea, or to another country to teach English for at least one, but preferably two years.

______________________

Sunday, 19 July 1998

Do I want to stay in South Africa?

South Africa is where I can fulfil most of my needs and ambitions. The only need that I cannot fulfil here is the need to live “further” – to be part of a larger world. Even if you just live an ordinary life in another country, it always has a dimension of “more” than just the place where you grew up. You broaden your frame of reference, your life experience, your first-hand knowledge of the world.

What needs can I fulfil here in South Africa? The need to be part of a community, to belong somewhere, to play a role, to engage with people, to build a refuge on home turf brick-by-brick, book-by-book, one chair at a time, one rug at a time, one souvenir at a time.

Several months have already passed since it dawned on me that I was not going to just wake up in suburbia one day, that I’m not going to be helplessly sucked into the middle class. Truth is that even if you work deliberately for many years at becoming a Suburban Everyman, there are no guarantees, seeing that you need an almost spotless credit record before you can even be invited to a tea party in the average suburb. Even if you qualify it is still an open question – do you really want this life?

What I want to do is to generate income from my home. The most ambitious, most ideal way to do this is to be a full-time writer. To supplement my income, I can do a little part-time teaching – EFL, literacy courses, and so on.

[The office job] I do at the moment is instrumental to achieving this ideal. If I go overseas again in a few months, it would also be beneficial. The difference is that I am now in a place where I can fulfil certain important needs – for which I came back to South Africa in the first place.

______________________

Wednesday, 3 June 1998

I find myself on a street corner, wearing a strange coat and a hat, staring at cars commuting people to their jobs.

But let’s get to the point. These are my options:

1. Become an entrepreneur

2. Find another job abroad

3. Find a job locally

As for the first option, this was the plan with which I arrived here on 6 May. In the meantime, I have discovered that it will take time and money before I can start making money with a project. I believe that it would be a risk to focus exclusively on this option under the current circumstances.

Regarding option two, what are the benefits of going abroad again? Money to pay off student loans and money that I can save to return to South Africa after between six and eighteen months to invest in projects. There is also the benefit of travel experiences. What are the disadvantages? At this stage, I’m ready to commit myself to things – and that’s one hell of an acknowledgement, considering my erstwhile loathing of the idea. I have a strong need to belong somewhere, to be involved in organisations and with people, and to commit myself to relationships, and to plans, and ideas. The things I want to connect myself to are here – in South Africa. If I go abroad again, I’d have to postpone the fulfilment of these needs, throw a few tapes and some books and other loose items in my backpack, and again temporarily establish myself elsewhere. This runs contrary to everything I’ve thought and decided these last few months. Furthermore, there’s no guarantee that I can make more money overseas than I can make in the medium and long term in my own country. Lastly, what exactly do I want to do abroad? I’m not exactly thrilled with the idea of teaching English again in the Far East, and I’m definitely not keen on losing my temper for a bunch of ill-mannered children in England.

Now, option three. What would I benefit from getting a job in South Africa? My interests are wide, so I don’t have to restrict myself to a specific line of work, or a particular type of job. Anything that falls within my fields of interest will be okay as long as it gives me a basic income. In any case, I’m keeping my eyes open and my ears on the ground for other projects and ideas to supplement such a basic income.

Wednesday, 10 June 1998

Here is the conclusion to the above discussion: Johannesburg currently offers me all the opportunities I want to explore, and it most closely matches what I decided in Korea between February and April. Other options, such as teaching English in Asia or going to England offer benefits that Johannesburg doesn’t necessarily provide. But all in all, Johannesburg currently embodies most of what I want to do with my life, and what I am interested in.

______________________