TUESDAY, 6 MAY 2003
Leave Taiwan on 4 September 2003. By October I’m in Bronkhorstspruit – in a cheap apartment. By March 2004, I’m back in Taiwan.
MONDAY, 12 MAY 2003
Why do I want to go back to South Africa? Because I’m tired, and for the sake of my struggle I need to struggle there for a while.
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I don’t want all my convictions and faith in myself to be just what it is because it’s plugged into my Taiwan experience. [Thinking of myself as an electrical appliance, and my Taiwan experience as the source of electricity. I can therefore only exist as this person because of the power of this one source.] But what happens if these things are not plugged into some reality – either Taiwan, or verifiable success as a writer, or money, or something else? The person experiences a traumatic conflict between his internal reality (belief in himself) and external reality (how others view him). This leads to alienation of the person from his environment, and possibly anti-social behaviour, which can lead to the Psychological Wellness Police “arresting” the person and restricting his movement and actions to an institution, and more specifically to a room to which only they have the keys.
* * *
It is therefore of the utmost importance to connect my internal reality to an external reality that can be seen and acknowledged by others, and which can then, at least to a sufficient minimum degree, confirm my internal reality.
* * *
Rewind … tired? Yes, tired of not sharing my life with my family. And tired of being a stranger in a strange place. But I want to come back? Yes, when I’m ready to pay the price again.
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