TUESDAY, 15 JUNE 2004
I now know what made me change direction on Sunday, 2 May/Monday, 3 May. On that Sunday afternoon I had telephone conversations with my older sister and with my old pal in Johannesburg – and with both of their babies. I was deeply impressed with how their lives showed a definite character, while I was still “on my way home”. I reached a point that afternoon where I realised I had a profound desire to also be in a position where I could say: This is my life, and my life is also good.
* * *
Everyone has their own particular lives. Then the camera turns in your direction, the microphone is pushed in your face, and the inevitable challenge is made: Identify your life.
And the answer: “I am Peter X living in City Y, and I fill my daily existence with …”
Traditional knowledge, and old screws
Many people do the “right thing” without reflecting on it too much. For me it has taken a long time to learn certain things – the kinds of things that, if I would tell people, “These are the conclusions I have come to after years of contemplation,” they would respond with, “We already know these things. We have been applying them in our own lives for quite some time. Did you really have to sit down and think about it?”
What is wrong with me? Did a screw loosen up somewhere in my head years ago? Am I stupid? No. (I had to be quick with that answer before I could seriously consider the possibility.)
What happened was that I had lost faith in what had been offered as “the truth” and “the way things work”. I questioned everything, and had to reconstruct from scratch my own worldview and frame of reference by which I could function as an adult outside the madhouse.
Eventually I once again accepted some “old” truths – the difference is that I know why. And understanding why I believe what I believe has to make my years of life on the “outside” worthwhile.
WEDNESDAY, 16 JUNE 2004
My identity, my life (II)
I got tired of listening to other people talk about their particular lives and then when I opened my mouth to talk about my life, all that came out were vague plans and vague promises to the effect that I did not have a life, “but I am on my way”.
The truth is, I do have a life! It’s not perfect, but it is good! And it is my life!
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