Assorted Notes

WEDNESDAY, 9 JUNE 2004

I call myself a writer, but yesterday I thought, am I not in the first place a teacher? I mean, so much of my writing is at least supposed to be educational. I can never get away from the idea that I am trying to explain something to the reader, that I am busy teaching something to an invisible audience – something that half of them already know anyway, and the other half either don’t understand, or they have no desire to understand.

Do I sometimes write in a way that makes it seem as if I consider myself clever? I should probably not try to deny it. Many people would certainly also challenge my ability to teach them something.

You, the reader, is however more than just the person on the other side of my sometimes unsolicited lessons. You are the link between what I am writing here in a dimly lit living room and the outside world. The fact that you are reading these words, at this moment, makes the writing of this text and the assembling of this entire project definitely worth it.

______________________

TUESDAY, 8 JUNE 2004

What is relevant and not relevant to the “owner” of the SELF are some of the most important considerations to take into account during the process of defining the SELF.

An example of this is opinion. Which issues are relevant enough for a person to formulate an opinion on and which not require knowledge of the SELF.

It follows that the smaller the area of which you are aware, the less information you receive, and therefore the easier it is to find/define your SELF.

For example, if I live in a big city and regularly interact with a wide variety of people, and I’m aware of political issues stretching from Northeast Asia to the Middle East to Central Africa, Europe and North America, as well as environmental issues, ethical issues, religious issues and many other topics one can have an opinion on, my process of defining an identity will take significantly longer than will be the case with a guy who grew up in a small town, who lives there as an adult, and who will eventually die there of old age.

One would like to say – because don’t most of us live in the “bigger” world? – that it is better to be aware of more and that it is boring to spend your entire life within a limited area. Arguments can also be made about “knowledge is power”, about the lack of more or better information leading to fears of that which some people may only be vaguely aware of, and lack of knowledge that leads to misunderstanding and prejudice against those who are not “like us”.

This issue of big world versus small town is not what interests me at the moment, and my current relationship with the “bigger” world is of such a nature that I have no incentive to make a case for or against participation and engagement.

The interesting question for me at this stage is whether you can fully define your SELF in a “large” environment where you regularly enter into new relationships, where issues come and go, and where new data flows in on a daily basis while you’re still trying to finish last month’s newspapers or current affairs magazines. I don’t think so.

Many people will agree that issues you have to take a position on as part of your identity are less important than relationships. The benefit of fewer, but more meaningful relationships, including positive family ties, is thus once again emphasised. (I did not try to work it in. It just emerged as the obvious answer to the question of what provides a solid foundation to the SELF in an ever changing world. Therefore, it would seem that I have once again, after a round of intellectual contemplation, come across a bit of wisdom that the proverbial “everyone” knows.)

A balance can, therefore, be proposed between the “small” world at home, and the “big” world outside your front gate; priority given to the former provides people at the end of the day with a firmer definition and more certainty of SELF.

But now that I think about it … is this not what most people are already doing? Of course! People are brilliant! (Just a pity they don’t know it.)

______________________

TUESDAY, 8 JUNE 2004

So that the masses know

Being in a loving relationship is what makes life worth living for many people. I am not in a loving relationship, so I have to try a lot harder to make my life worth living. My attempts may ultimately prove to be inadequate, but until that day comes, I plan to keep my collar to the wind. And continue walking.

Life is a joy ride

I reckon I may not make it.

I know what my teenage years were like. I know how my twenties played out, and I am currently ticking off my thirties one year at a time. What will my forties be like? My fifties? Will I even make it to forty? Do I even want to make it?

The fact of the matter is this, I bet everything I believe in, my hopes, the value and meaning of my life as well as what is still going to make my life worth living, I bet everything on the miracle of meaningful relationships with a few other people!

* * *

This is how it is: Adam lived alone in Paradise. He thought it a good place, but he felt lonely. Then God made him a wife. And then they were happy. That is where the story should have ended.

But when they did something wrong – they ate.

From the tree.

Of knowledge.

* * *

On my way back from town, and I reckon: I will make it. Many of the people I see every day are not going to make it, but I will.

______________________

MONDAY, 7 JUNE 2004

A new approach?

I hear there’s cool Mexican hip-hop, but even if I buy some of it there will still be cool Uzbek music that I’ll never hear. And even if I get to listen to some of it, I’ll never be an Uzbek. And even if I marry an Uzbek woman and live in India, I will never be Indian. And even if we immigrate to America, I will never be a born and bred American. And even if I live in New York City for thirty years, I will never be a Frenchman. And even if I live in Paris, I will never live in Sweden. And even if I live in Stockholm for ten years, I will never live in Japan during the fourteenth century …

Precondition for commitment: Once you accept that you are a particular human being, you can commit yourself to a particular kind of life.

TUESDAY, 8 JUNE 2004

Accept yourself – even if it’s only to save time

I accept the particularity of my background. I think and write most of the time in Afrikaans, my skin is “white”, my facial features mainly dictated by the genes I have received from my mostly Germanic ancestors.

I can change how I look. I can even be difficult and abandon my linguistic background – because I have not chosen it, and force myself to think and write only in English. I can be even more radical and choose another language (other than English), master this language, and eventually think and write exclusively in that language. At the end of such a process – that will take years of hard work – I will be a splendid example of a so-called self-made man.

However, I am willing to forgo such a radical process for the sake of time and energy, and largely accept the particularity of my physical appearance, my mother tongue and cultural background as they stand, and to regard these things as good enough instruments to facilitate the process of self-discovery and self-invention.

______________________

SUNDAY, 6 JUNE 2004

Confidence in yourself
A good opinion of yourself
I have found myself
To be yourself
I don’t feel like myself
Love thy neighbour as thyself
Know yourself
Unsure about yourself
Embarrassing yourself
Loathing yourself
I laugh at myself
Look inside yourself

“Ky-malixino-wo.”

“What?”

“Ky-malixino-wo. You mean you don’t know what that means?”

“Nope, no idea.”

“It’s a central concept in the understanding of the human being!”

“I’ve never heard of it.”

“You’re kidding, right? How on earth can you function as an intelligent human being without knowing what the ky-malixino-wo is?”

“Well, I do not know. And yet I function …”

“It is English you know? It’s not Russian or Spanish or Japanese!”

“Can we talk about something else?”

Self-love
Self-reliance
Self-control
Self-awareness
Self-sacrifice
Self-respect
Self-glorification
Self-defence
Self-preservation
Self-worship
Self-confidence
Self-blame
Self-denial

Suicide – the killing of the self
Believe in yourself
Free yourself

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