Assorted Notes

Monday, 15 February 1999

To be free and independent, I have written more than once in the past few months, is my great ideal. Superficially considered, it was about not having any financial obligations to any creditors. But it stretched deeper than that: I did not want to have any obligations. My ideal life was that of a bachelor, a “Steppenwolf”. No commitment, no obligations – to anyone.

About a year ago I identified “commitment” and “belonging” as fundamentally sound ideas, even for myself. What I did not realise was that I had two horses in the race. And I tried to ride both. I wanted to belong and commit, but I also wanted to be free and independent. What I did not apparently understand at first was that you cannot commit yourself to something whilst crying “Freedom!”, that you can’t belong somewhere and simultaneously suggest that you are independent.

The idea of a family of my own was never something I could work into my ideal lifestyle of freedom and independence. Now, this wouldn’t have been a problem if I weren’t yearning so much after these basic joys of life.

It dawned on me that to love a woman and to raise children with her would be much more of a restriction on my freedom and independence than the obligation of owing some banks some money.

When I realised this, it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I felt relieved. I could relax because at that moment I knew that total freedom and independence were not what I wanted! If this was what I had wanted to achieve, it was possible! It’s not an illusion. It’s not a dream that can never be fulfilled. It’s a dream I don’t want! It’s a path I would never have wanted to walk to its endpoint, because I wouldn’t have been committed to anything, and I wouldn’t have belonged anywhere. And I want to commit myself to something. I want to dedicate myself to something. I want to strive for something, and I want to feel I belong somewhere.

In Johannesburg I wouldn’t easily have gained this insight because there freedom and independence were concrete short-term ideals, even desires, that I had confused with an ideal life. I needed to come to Taiwan to realise that if I wanted to be free and independent, it is doable; it is an ideal that can be realised. I had to know that it is a life I can pursue and achieve, if that was indeed what I wanted to do. But it is not.

Of course I still want to pay off my debts as soon as possible. I hate living under the sword of debt. I believe that to owe someone money is to be that person’s slave. It’s not the same as loving someone and fulfilling a financial obligation to that person out of love.

In financial terms, I still want to be free and independent. But I also want to achieve a different ideal – I want to belong somewhere. I want a home in the full sense of the word. I want to love a woman and be loved by her.

To finish off this notebook then, which first tasted ink ten months ago in Stellenbosch and that experienced Johannesburg with me, the following: I want to commit myself to an ideal the realisation of which has already begun, namely to be a writer. And I want to love and be loved, and thus belong somewhere.

I am committed. And one day, I will also belong.

______________________

Last thoughts before Taiwan

Tuesday, 29 December 1998

I sit here and wonder if there were alternatives, all the way back in April. Not because of regret, just kind of as a necessary mental exercise.

Do I regret anything? It’s tempting to say “yes”, but it wouldn’t hold up to rigorous scrutiny. So, no. Here are the reasons. I have taken the most important step conceivable by facing my creditors. Within a few days after returning from Korea, I was attempting to negotiate reconciliation. I have seen most of my acquaintances and friends, and I have made the acquaintance of some new ones. I spent six weeks at home, and then for six months I worked for a company that is mainly focused on making money. I have experienced first-hand what I have always thought of corporate life. I worked and lived in Johannesburg for six months, forever alleviating my ignorance about the place. I truly feel more informed and more experienced because of this period. I have also seen many places and experienced things that I had missed during my “isolation” in Korea.

But that is to paint a pretty picture for the sake of not regretting anything. For the sake of honesty, I also have to flip the painting to show a little bit of the other side.

In terms of power – which I once again define as the ability to make choices and to act on these choices, and to not be dependent on other people, I was a big time loser for the past seven or eight months. Big time. In actual fact, I’m embarrassing myself by still trying to fight back, by continuing to insist on defending my dignity.

The truth is that I am currently more powerless than I have ever been in my life. For all the importance that power, independence, dignity and pride had for me eight months ago, it’s ironic that I have lost so much in all these areas! For this reason, and this reason alone, I would say that I regret that I did not try to get another EFL job at the end of June.

But, there’s no point to regret, so I’m not going to waste time on it. I did what I did. I learned some things, and a few times I was knocked to the ground. But at least I came out for the fight, right? Even though it was reluctantly, and even if I don’t exactly look like a hero at the moment.

What’s next?

I have seen, in case I had forgotten, what financial powerlessness looks like. Not again. Not if it depends on me. Taking everything into account, this year has been one of the fullest and richest years of my life, even though I am leaving it injured and poorly armed. (One can almost say that I came into the year like a German soldier in 1939, and I’m going out like a Russian soldier in 1917.) A lost year it was not, for I struggled too much and survived too many skirmishes. The rest of the thousand-mile journey that I have started will continue. Two steps forward and one step back. But I shall continue.

Long live my own revolution!

First thoughts in Taiwan

Wednesday, 27 January 1999

Fengshan City, Kaohsiung County

On the subject of commitment: If you devote yourself to a Single Cause, it must be part of your life on a daily basis otherwise your dedication will start fading. You have to devote yourself actively to this cause on a daily basis – not necessarily exclusively, but actively.

Later more about Fengshan City, Taiwan …

______________________

Wednesday, 2 December 1998

Someone with my background – middle class, tertiary education – basically have two options. One is to accept a job at a company or institution and to start working on a career and building up financial security, the other is to start their own business. I am not prepared to work for a company or institution on the long-run. That’s just how it is. I have also once again confirmed that I cannot commit myself to a business of my own. It will provide some satisfaction for a little while, but then what?

What are the other options? One is Foreign English Teaching: one-year contracts; good cash flow; you don’t need to live on debt and credit; relatively good living conditions; you don’t need a car; you don’t need to have a good credit record to get to a telephone; you live in a foreign country with a different culture than your own; life experience of a different kind; and finally, financial empowerment.

A perfect life? No. In more ways than you can count on one hand, it’s a terrible life. But it is a life in which you can empower yourself – in more than one area.

______________________

Sunday, 8 November 1998

What a year …

Four and a bit months in Johannesburg. What have I done so far? I have taken chances. I have done things, and am still doing things that I said I would never do. I moved to Johannesburg to do an office job. I took my boss/friend up on his offer to stay in the servant’s quarters on his property. I do sales … And what do I have? Nothing.

I keep myself busy “productively” – that’s all I can say. I read. I write. I can’t afford to go to a restaurant. Even if movies were free, I wouldn’t be able to get there. Even if there were a hundred women who posed possibilities for a man, it would only be of academic value because if they don’t live within easy walking distance of my house, I can’t meet up with them. And even if I had a car, I don’t have any money. I live in a backyard room like a student. I don’t even have a proper radio!

Does it sound like I just complain, while so many people are worse off than me? Fuck that. I have my own agenda. If I were happy with what I have simply because so many people are worse off than me, it would be an insult to those people because even they want a better life, not to mention that they would think I was an idiot if I didn’t want something better for myself!

I need money. I need a car. I need a computer. I need a decent place to live. All of these things are beyond my immediate reach in South Africa at this stage. Maybe in five years’ time … That’s it, I’m going to Taiwan. And I’m not coming back to South Africa until I can properly take care of myself.

——-

[Explanation: The South African guy who had met me at the airport in Seoul with the Korean man more than two years previously was in Taiwan by this time. We had exchanged a few e-mails. He had told me about his life in Taiwan, and I had told him about my situation in Johannesburg. By late October, he had offered to lend me money for a plane ticket to Kaohsiung – an offer I initially refused.]

______________________