Assorted Notes

WEDNESDAY, 4 NOVEMBER 2015

How do I manage to make money as an English teacher? (Hint: It is not because I am good at making money.)

Another question: How have I made money in the past, and/or how do I earn money now?

1. By helping people with their English studies in classes arranged by other people

2. By producing EFL material that has been requested by someone, or by making available material that I have developed

3. By serving customers in a men’s gift shop and tobacconist

4. By delivering hot meals for restaurants

5. By recruiting subscribers for a provincial newspaper, and later for an environmental journal

6. By performing administrative tasks in an office

7. By proofreading text written by other people

8. By writing reviews about products

9. By providing to people space on a web server for their websites, and by providing other internet-related services

10. By writing and publishing books in print and electronic formats

What golden thread runs through all these activities? People needed something, or they wanted to get something done; I was in the right place at the right time, and it was within my ability to provide those products or services.

Interestingly enough, the list includes so-called cold calling – which literally means I had to knock on people’s doors to try and sell something to them. Most people shudder at the mere thought, and I myself hope that I would never be forced to do anything like it again, but – I did quite well when I did have to do it.

______________________

TUESDAY, 20 OCTOBER 2015

Yesterday brought an old idea in new clothing: My Four Failures:

1. [Better Chinese language skills]

2. [More money]

3. [Permanent residency in Taiwan]

4. [Driver’s license in Taiwan]

The thought kept me occupied for so long that I never came around to the opposite list: My Three Successes:

1. Writing – precisely the type of material that I had hoped in 1994 I would produce in the future, but which I feared would not get written due to the pressures of a “normal” adult life.

2. I behaved myself decently enough, and I was just funny and clever enough to persuade a beautiful, vibrant woman to give me a chance.

3. I read a lot – not so much acclaimed novels as one always thinks you should, but about what goes on in the world, about history, and about the human condition.

SUNDAY, 25 OCTOBER 2015

23:28

Who am I? Where do I belong? Where is my place in the world? What is the purpose of my existence? What should I do with my life?

I find it strange that I don’t really think about these things anymore. As if you only ponder these questions at a certain stage of your life.

Wouldn’t it be interesting to wake these old ghosts from their slumber? Or are they sleeping dogs?

23:42

Do I not think about those questions anymore because I have discovered or worked out the answers? Or is it because I don’t care anymore? If the latter, it is because I have become more cynical over the past ten years? Why have I become more cynical? Was I naïve ten years ago? Or rather, in what ways did I still believe like a child ten years ago?

A few days ago on my way to the convenience store I asked myself a big favour: Please do not become a bitter old man.

MONDAY, 26 OCTOBER 2015

13:15

You have to sell yourself on life. Why? Because otherwise another part of your person may sell death-at-own-hand to the Decision-Maker and Executor of Behaviour.

To hasten your own death can after all be accomplished in many ways: by smoking too much, by drinking too much, by sending a bullet through your brains, by depriving yourself of oxygen, by eating too much, even by living with what appears to be passionate abandon, like jumping on a manic bull’s back and riding him until he throws you off and drives his horn through your heart. “He was so in love with life,” people will say. “He had no fear,” others will add.

13:30

Is it good or bad that there is no one who can convince me that what I have done so far with my adult life has been worth the effort?

WEDNESDAY, 4 NOVEMBER 2015

A thought has been swirling in my head for a while: The question “Who are you?” (in the broad sense of the word) should be answered with another question: “Who is asking?”

______________________

SUNDAY, 30 AUGUST 2015

In 1994 I was still running in the pack along with other people of my age with whom I shared a broad socio-economic background. In my head I was already somewhat apart, but to all concerned and in terms of what was visible to everyone, I was still doing the same things many of my peers were doing.

In 1995 – twenty years ago this year – things changed. Many of my contemporaries started that year with a journey of more or less forty years that would end with their retirement, if they were to be blessed with a long life. That was the year when I split from the pack. And with that I am not saying my path was better or more special, and I make no judgement on my contemporaries who started with their forty-year career path. I am merely saying I have been on a different path since 1995.

Twenty years have since passed. Like many of my peers I also wonder: How am I doing?

Out of every hundred of my contemporaries who started in 1995 with a career (or with the first of perhaps four or five different careers) that will end in retirement in about two decades’ time, how many of them do as well as they thought they would? How many have actually pursued any of the dreams they wanted to pursue? How many of them have realised at least one or two of their dreams? How many have missed one chance after another? How many do much better than they ever thought they would?

It is reasonable to assume that everyone has made at least a few mistakes and displayed some poor judgement a number of times, and that at least a few people have seriously slipped up at least once. I think it is furthermore reasonable to assume that most people would like to make more money than is currently the case, and that a few may wish they could do more interesting work. Statistically it is also inevitable that a small percentage of this group are doing exceptionally well – they are making more money than they ever thought they would; their children are more beautiful and more intelligent than they ever thought they could produce, and they do work they find more fulfilling and more interesting than when they started out two decades ago.

To get back to my question, I think I am doing okay – in some areas much better than I thought I would; in other areas I am doing worse than I hoped would be the case. I have had a few slip-ups, and there have been a few times where I completely overestimated my abilities (or perhaps I simply did not know myself well enough, or I didn’t have a proper understanding of the challenge). I have so far led a pretty interesting life. I am learning more every day about things I have always been interested in. I am almost never bored. And I share my life with a strong-minded, kind-hearted woman and two black cats. I have no debt, and I have a little money in the bank.

On the other hand, 99% of my income currently comes from teaching English part-time in Taiwan, on a sometimes unpredictable schedule. And my income is only a fraction of what I need to take care of my elderly parents, so the responsibility mainly falls on the long-suffering shoulders of my older sister.

Twenty years after I started walking on a different path and at a different pace than many of my contemporaries I am not doing too badly. Truth be told though, a few people, myself included, are hoping I do a little better in the future.

______________________

FRIDAY, 28 AUGUST 2015

It feels like the days are passing so quickly that I can’t manage to sort out important things in my head.

I am once again grappling with the idea of success … or rather the opposite, failure. I have probably already noted this idea, but this week I thought again that I, Brand Smit, will ultimately succeed or fail as a writer, not as an English teacher or a freelance proof-reader or a sports trader or sports bettor or publisher of books and other information.

What this comes down to in practice is that if I am not writing or engaged in some other task that has to do with writing, I am probably busy doing something with which I haven’t achieved much success by this age of 44 (even as English teacher I would have to wonder how many of my students have significantly improved their English ability because I had come across their paths).

If I am working on a literary project, there is a good chance that I am doing something I will eventually be able to look back on and say: It may never have won a prize, and I never made much money with it, and it hardly made my name familiar to the masses, but I feel good about it. It feels as if I have made a contribution, no matter how modest.

If at this time of my life I were successful in making money with something other than English classes, I would also have felt good about that. It would have made things possible for my partner and I that is not currently possible, and it would have been good to be less worried about the future. But it would also have felt good to know I have achieved a modicum of success in an area where other people could measure my abilities and skills. In other words, other people would have looked at me and they wouldn’t have seen someone trying very hard but not actually achieving much visible, tangible success.

A few days ago I made a note on a piece of paper about identity. Once again I ask: Who am I? Who do I want to be? And then you can go ahead and ask that about any project you take on, every effort you make to earn money or otherwise bring about something positive: Who do I want to be as English teacher? Who do I want to be as sports bettor? Who do I want to be as pre-race trader? Who do I want to be as publisher of books and other information?

How much do other people think about this? Or, how much do other writers and English teachers and sports bettors and pre-race traders think about this? I reckon most do not think about it as much as I do – that is, some people may think more about it, but more people probably spend less time thinking about it.

I think many people decide to do something, and they are pretty much ready to go. Things more or less fall into place, or a critical mass of things fall into place, so they do not have to spend so much time to sit and think about it. It also means they can eliminate options faster. It is almost like having to sit down and fill out a pack of forms: some people look at a question, a second later they check a box, and they are done in ten or fifteen minutes.

I have to think about everything. Nothing is easy to me. If there are two possibilities, I have to think about them. If there are three or four possibilities, I have to spend even more time thinking about it. Success therefore takes significantly longer to achieve for someone like me.

Many other people also fail faster than me. Because I take so long to work through all the options, it takes me two, three, or ten times longer to discover something doesn’t work or that I cannot make something work. And by that time many of the people who had started at the same time as me have already crossed the first mountain range, happily on their way to the Promised Land.

______________________

THURSDAY, 13 AUGUST 2015

I am still learning how to earn my future bread and butter by speculating with prices on the world’s largest betting exchange – in my case mostly UK horse racing before the races start. I don’t want to give an account of how I am doing here and now. What I would like is to mention that I have discovered by now how I react to losses, and when something I expected to happen does not happen – with the result that I lose another few cents or dollars to someone else.

I find it interesting how difficult it can be for me to lose money – most of the time small, insignificant amounts. And then there is the hope, and the assumptions. The other day I heard someone say in a movie on TV: “I can take the pain, but the hope is killing me.” I am a pretty optimistic guy. I want to believe tomorrow will be better than today. When the first signal appears that things are looking good in a specific trading situation, my fist is already clenched and ready to shoot triumphantly into the air. Then it appears things just looked good at first glance. And my fist relaxes. My shoulders drop. If this happens a few times in one week, I once again contemplate giving up (I have to express it in a different way because talk of giving up can so easily become commonplace).

I can’t remember what my assumptions were when I started with this project, but I think I assumed it would take a month or so for my account to begin growing. Eventually I became more realistic and started talking about eighteen months to two years. On a smaller scale I frequently make the assumption that it is going better and better, and that I am getting closer to that elusive point of success. Then it escapes me again. And then the disappointment kicks in, again.

This, at the end of the day, is interesting – to the part of me who is interested in things of this nature, and less bothered by how much money I make … or don’t make. I would almost go so far as to suggest that this strong emotional reaction to losing, or to being wrong, or to being disappointed when I hoped for something better, is worth the money that I have spent on it so far.

FRIDAY, 21 AUGUST 2015

The difference between the ages of 30 and 44 for me is an extra decade and a couple of years to observe myself in situations, and with certain challenges, and to see where I am okay, and where my weak points are.

______________________