Assorted Notes

MONDAY, 5 SEPTEMBER 2005

I should forget about a so-called Ideal Self. I should work on a Better General Situation, Better Quality of Life, Better Health, a Better Income, a Better Bank Balance.

SATURDAY, 10 SEPTEMBER 2005

A guy in a minibus slides over a red light at a T-junction while talking on his cell phone. I lose my temper. Almost immediately I am annoyed with myself for losing my temper. I know anger is a manifestation of powerlessness.

But of what is his action a manifestation? It is all about traffic rules and chaos? Or is it also about people who must take responsibility for others whose lives may be affected by their actions? His action was a manifestation of disrespect toward life that flows in the veins of other people who use the road with him, and whose lives are affected by his blatant irresponsibility.

He represents the kind of person for whom I reserve but one emotion.

MONDAY, 12 SEPTEMBER 2005

Who, what and why have been prominent questions for me the past few years.

“How?” is another important matter.

Examples: How do you function? How do you know anything? How do you choose?

SATURDAY, 17 SEPTEMBER 2005

A problematic situation: private embarrassment; nowhere to hide and regain your dignity.

THURSDAY, 22 SEPTEMBER 2005

09:32

For some time now I have been moaning about dishes and dust and laundry and dirty tiles and chaos that threatens to collapse in on me every day.

Then, last night, as I was busy throwing something away or tidying up somewhere I realised: It is a struggle, and I win as long as chaos does not collapse in on me. And this struggle is a daily challenge.

21:34

The moment of recovery is not when you are 100% motivated and active again, it is when you get up from the couch, switch on the light above your desk, and continue to go through the actions.

FRIDAY, 23 SEPTEMBER 2005

1. I am executor of behaviour, constructive and/or destructive, with Objective X in mind, and/or in the name of Person Y, and/or for the benefit of Person Z.

2. All contemplations and arguments come down to us either being executors of a plan that pre-dates our existence, or we have to be very smart with our lives.

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MONDAY, 29 AUGUST 2005

10:40

What do you do if the spectrum of self models with which you are faced is insufficient – if you cannot find a suitable match for you proprium*?

[Proprium: “The centerpiece of personality serving to help give the individual a sense of self.” The Psychology of Personality: Viewpoints, Research, and Applications, by Bernardo J. Carducci]

17:29

Fruits of my labour. Fruit of my existence.

21:01

I feel good about one thing and there is one thing that bothers me.

I feel good about an Afrikaans poem of mine [translated title: “Day full of civilisation”] that I rewrote, or radically revised. The thing that bothers me: So what? It’s not like anyone is going to read it any time soon! A collection of poetry? Two volumes of poetry? How many people are actually ever going to read any of it?

Another idea is already jumping up and down trying to get attention (“Pick me! Pick me!” it would have yelled if it were a child): money, and more specifically the pursuit of financial wealth. What would I say to someone today, Monday, 29 August 2005 if that person were to throw a card on the table that says: one hour spent on making money is better than ten hours spent on creative projects for the sake of being creative, with financial gain a secondary motivation and slim possibility. Also: any personal project, any study project, any skills that are learned only have value if you end up with more money in your pocket as a result. Also: you live in Cloud Cuckoo Land if you do not recognise these facts of life, and if you spend precious time – time you could have spent earning money – on writing poetry … I mean, come on! Poetry?! Are you serious?! And the trump card: money is an immediate fruit of your labour, an immediate result of time spent that can be used to buy food and fruit juice and coffee and tea and clothing, and to pay rent, and to travel, and to buy other things that will increase the quality of your life.

“You understand this, don’t you?” the person will say. “Almost immediate fruits of your labour! But you spend your time on, what? Literary projects with profit as a slim possibility in the distant future? English textbooks, okay. But poetry?”

What I would say to this challenge to a life I have chosen for myself, to beliefs that I consider as crucial to my existence?

TUESDAY, 30 AUGUST 2005

15:52

When I teach, I know what the fruits of my labour are – it is expressed in exact monetary value, and I have a good idea what the concrete, tangible value of that money is.

The tangible, usable, edible, visible fruit of conventional labour, in my case English classes, should be taken into account when I mention “money”.

20:20

I am currently struggling with the fruits of my labour. For example, I spent six weeks reviewing material from FINAL CHAPTER. Are the fruits of this labour visible? On my computer screen, yes. Is it tangible? No. Can I share it with someone? Not at the moment. Can I show it to anyone? Sort of – on my computer screen.

On the other hand, I teach an English class for an hour. I know what the fruits of that labour will be: NT$700. I know when I will pick this fruit: next Wednesday. Will I be able to see the fruits of that particular effort? Yes, in a cinema for example. Will I be able to eat the fruit of that labour? Yes, as breakfast cereal and yogurt, and lunch and dinner. Are the fruits of my teaching job tangible and concrete, for me? Yes. Are the fruits of my creative work concrete and tangible? They will be after a few more weeks or months of additional work …

I could argue that I want to teach more classes at the moment because I need more money. But I also know that I am motivated by the desire to see the fruits of my labour sooner rather than later, and to taste it, and to feel it on my skin, and to experience it.

20:52

Am I saying that labour should necessarily provide cash or other forms of credit that can be exchanged for things one can feel, taste, drink, see and possible smell and hear?

No. Three examples: to raise children; to actively do charity work; and to learn other languages.

Most of my effort – by far the most! – over the past five years has been ploughed into writing projects. It will certainly be unfair to say that no project has ever been completed (unfinished projects are not the same as projects that are endlessly revised). I would however ask: Where is the fruit? Show me the fruit of five years of effort!

I am a little hard on myself … I know the fruit will be sweet … but I need to express my frustration.

Last night I shared the thought with [N.] that money – hard cash – is a fruit of your labour that you can almost immediately enjoy, and that I put most of my effort into work that may only bear fruit in x number of months (or even years!). She replied that my fruits will eventually be good, even if it takes a little long to realise. And then the real comfort: “If you didn’t write, I would’ve considered you just an ordinary guy … and would probably not even have gone out with you. Your writing,” she concluded, “makes you special.”

______________________

TUESDAY, 23 AUGUST 2005

10:00

Me: “In the language of our time, I say …”

Crowd: “One-zero!”

Me: “Make your choice.”

14:25

“I exist.”

I exist – but how? and why?

“I function.”

I function – how? why?

“I appear.”

I appear – but where? how? to whom? and why?

FRIDAY, 26 AUGUST 2005

My vision of an ideal world: in any given community a vanguard of enlightened men and women – all competent people, producers of knowledge and insights, artists, writers, designers, and other professions – who strive for positive results of their own lives – results that would inevitably be to the advantage of the communities where they live and work.

SATURDAY, 27 AUGUST 2005

In the end, I can only bear witness to my own life: how I made decisions, what I decided, how I defined myself, and so on.

SUNDAY, 28 AUGUST 2005

Choose your self model. Bob Dylan, for example, chose the model of “American folksinger”, which in turn was based on another model, which in turn was based on an earlier model, until you get to the earliest archetype. Dylan, in turn, made his mark on the model. Many who came after him based themselves on the “Bob Dylan” model.

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THURSDAY, 11 AUGUST 2005

14:10

It is good to live in harmony with your surroundings. It is good to compare your life with the lives of other people and to come to the conclusion that your choices are also good, and explainable; that they can even be offered to others as a valid option for an adult at the time and environment in which you live.

I would like to believe that I do not need the approval or endorsement of others. What I do want is to be able to look at my own life and to be able to declare with conviction that my life is also good, that the choices I have made were right for me, that my life also has a claim to wall space in the Gallery of Adult Lives.

16:37

Boring Fact That I Have Recited So Many Times That I Can Repeat It In My Sleep, Number One: I am at my happiest when I am working on my own projects – when I am busy with free, creative work under my own control.

* * *

“At your happiest?” someone might ask. “What about your relationship?”

Reply: If I were not in a good relationship, the fulfilment I experience when I am busy with my own work would have been mixed with quite a few other emotions. Without my creative work, without my projects, I would not be half the man that I currently am in my relationship. Among other things, I would have constantly questioned my own value and attractiveness as a person and a partner.

SUNDAY, 14 AUGUST 2005

I, myself, and the truth about madness and lies: from a dream

SUNDAY, 21 AUGUST 2005

Each of us is the result of choices that thousands of people made over the centuries, and actions they took or did not take or took by error – from an impulsive decision to get on a boat to another continent, or not to get on a boat that eventually ended up on the bottom of the ocean, to swords that just missed an important organ, or an ancestor centuries ago that ducked just in time to see a stone fly over his head instead of crushing his skull.

MONDAY, 22 AUGUST 2005

01:15

Epistemology: How do you know anything?

09:20

Debate, experiment, “For it is said …”

How do you know what is being said is true?

“Because …”

17:50

Am I still chasing after wind eggs … okay, wrong question. Am I still running through a muddy field, chasing after a rainbow? Or am I actually going to arrive, eventually?

______________________

SATURDAY, 6 AUGUST 2005

10:50

You can approach a difference of opinion on religious matters, especially with your family or the family of your significant other, in one of two ways: apologetically or unapologetically. If you are apologetic, you come across as weak, as someone who actually knows what is right but who still chooses not to live according to these principles and convictions (perhaps because you are weak and spineless). In the case of an obdurate attitude you easily come across as arrogant and even as looking down on someone because you know what that person believes, but for you it is not “that simple”.

11:35

I have a strong suspicion that I sometimes create the impression that I know things that other people do not know; that I have secret knowledge that will pull the carpet from under another person’s feet; that I do not share things with people because I feel sorry for them, and because I do not want to be the cause of their existential angst.

The truth is that where many people’s beliefs and general worldview consist of statements, mine consist of a few statements, and many more questions.

Many people will respond to this by saying that it must be awful to walk around with so many questions to which you do not have answers. (And in their own minds they think how awful it would be for them to live with so much uncertainty.)

My response is that my mind is much more at ease with questions and honest inquiry and with saying, “I don’t know” than with statements about which I am uncertain but which I feel I need to defend for the sake of membership to a specific group or community. I also know by now that I do not need answers to all my questions to be able to function on a daily basis, or to be who I want to be, or to contribute constructively to the community in whose midst I live out my existence, or to pursue good values.

My understanding of life is sustainable, because it is built on critical inquiry rather than on statements that one is expected to simply accept but that have changed over the centuries. A steady understanding, rather than one built on sand now blowing this way and tomorrow or in 500 years blowing in a completely different direction.

17:48

Social appearances are always, to a greater or lesser extent, dishonest.

WEDNESDAY, 10 AUGUST 2005

from the light of circles where the swords are dancing/a fresh desert again break forth … first two lines of a poem that appeared in my notebook in a dream.

The rest of the dream: It was evening, [N.] was at a coffee shop, and I was at a deep fried or noodle stall. When I went back to the coffee shop, Dan and Mireille [two people I met in Korea], and two other people were sitting with [N.] who I then took by the hand to “save” her.

She then told me Dan introduced himself as “Name is Jim, surname Morrison.”

One of the other people then came over to where we were waiting for our fried dumplings and chatted with us in Afrikaans. The guy responded with, “No, I don’t think so” when I said maybe the cave where he had been in Africa was the “Skull Cave”. He said he did not really follow the “Phantom” in the Sunday papers, did I?

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