Assorted Notes

THURSDAY, 5 MAY 2005

[…]

So it came that I was riding back from the train station thinking about the things I had realised since this morning “Do I want to love her despite a few bad habits she has?” I finally asked myself.

“Yes,” I replied.

The follow-up question: “Is it because I need her?”

“I cannot deny that I need her,” I replied, “but I don’t like what the question implies.”

Left at the traffic light, hundred or so metres to the first abandoned houses: “Do you love her for your own sake?”

“No,” I muttered, immediately feeling a breeze of goodwill rushing over me. “I want to love her for her sake.”

And that is it: sweet with the sour, just like she has to make peace with my bad habits, and my obsessions and my shortcomings. I am, and want to love her despite whatever habits she may have – and not just because how she copes with it is a much more important manifestation of her core personality. I want to love her because she, like me, should know how it feels to be loved, and because I do not want her to spend a single day without love, and because I am capable of loving her.

FRIDAY, 6 MAY 2005

17:54

Odd thing is there is always the possibility of failure.

“In what?” you may ask.

Think of anything and where success is the hope, failure is a possibility.

Why do I think about this now?

Don’t know. Friday afternoon, rain, summer is approaching, projects that cannot come to an end …

19:11

“Could I teach six hours of English classes per day, have no projects, read and build model aircraft as my only hobbies, and every evening after work come home and watch TV – and read and build model aircraft?” was the question I asked myself out of curiosity between 18:30 and 19:00. Perhaps the question was somewhat inevitable considering the previous notation regarding failure, and because I have a suspicion that I am psychologically incapable of such a lifestyle.

My answer was, no. Such a life is no longer a possibility for me. I have to play a “role”, or serve a “purpose” in the Greater View of Things. The POINT around which my life revolves must have value beyond my own little world, or, beyond the world I experience here and now through my senses. I have already come too far to imagine myself not having come this far. The detours are long gone; the only way is forward.

What is this life that I seek? To a large extent it is about two things: time and money – financial independence in order to own my own time, to be able to apply my time towards certain results, in a life that revolves around a particular POINT.

“Does your time not always belong to you in any case, if only in principle?” you may wonder.

Fact is I am not in the mood to fuck around with “in principle”. Take for example the time when I am making this very note: it does not belong to me. I sold this time, these particular minutes I am living through right now to [the owners of a language school] months ago. On a Friday night between 19:00 and 20:30 I am therefore not free to do what I want … (19:30)

SATURDAY, 7 MAY 2005

11:10

To achieve independent wealth through entrepreneurship and creativity, in order to own (most of) my own time, in order to dedicate – to apply – my daily existence to the pursuit of goals that will not only be to my own benefit, but that will be beneficial to the fulfilment of the potential of other people to lead purposeful, constructive, benevolent and happy lives. To allow my own earthly existence to revolve around this central POINT.

11:20

I understand and accept that not everyone who wants to lead purposeful, constructive lives that will also generate value in the lives of others need to “achieve independent wealth … in order to own [their] own time”.

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TUESDAY, 3 MAY 2005

One ad on CNN reckons some people “live inspired lives”. I like the idea, but what would be the opposite? What name should we give to a life that is not so much inspired … and inspired by what? An idea?

WEDNESDAY, 4 MAY 2005

15:41

Sometimes a person’s life unfolds in a way that leads you to understand that there is a POINT around which your life revolves. What then happens is that everything you do can be seen in terms of how far away this activity is from this POINT. Basic hygiene and food intake, for example, sustain the body, which is necessary for you to allow your life (which is not viable without the body) to revolve around this POINT. So it is with work, or then income generating labour, which is done in the first place to earn capital to sustain your life (unless your work is the POINT of your life, which is a matter you have to sort out with yourself). Another example is my own EFL projects. I am currently contemplating whether a series should consist of three or five books, how many pictures will be included, whether the book should be in colour or black and white, how many and what kind of exercises I should include, the dimensions of the book, and so on. As long as I know these decisions I have to make are still related to the POINT of my life (in this case in a secondary/sustaining/conducive role), I can continue with this activity without developing an existential crisis about it.

17:02

Everything revolves around the POINT.

The POINT is not a goal you strive for and reach – it is something around which your life revolves. You do however strive for a long time to accomplish something so that your life can revolve around this POINT.

[27/01/15: What is “purpose” and what is “point”? A purpose is a reason for doing something (like staying alive). You can either succeed with this purpose, or you can fail. A point is an axis around which things revolve. Why do things revolve around this particular axis? Perhaps because it enables you to strive towards a particular purpose. Therefore: to strive towards and fulfil the purpose of your life, your life must revolve around a certain point.]

[13/06/15: A woman says, “To keep my children happy and to raise them properly so that they themselves can one day become productive members of society and help maintain civilisation, is the purpose of my life … No, wait. The woman actually says: “The purpose of my life is to make a contribution to make the world a decent place to live in, for myself, for my children, for all the other people I love, and for all those with whom we share our world. Considering that I see that as the purpose of my existence, I see my primary role at this stage of my life as keeping my children happy and raising them properly so that they can also someday become productive members of society and do their part to maintain civilisation. To do this, to play this role properly, my children have to be the POINT around which my life currently revolves.”]

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SUNDAY, 1 MAY 2005

Cursory thoughts:

1. Define how you see yourself and who you want to be – as well as the associated role you would like to play and end results for which you would like to apply your life; the daily process of Being Who You Are/Who You Defined Yourself To Be as personal religion. In other words, advanced self-knowledge and self-definition lead to the replacement of institutionalised religion, or the replacement of traditional or handed-down “truths” as religion – that is, the mechanism through which you form part of everything that is, has been, and may still come. The self as a personal god? No. To imply that would be to miss the point, or to call a pumpkin a carrot.

2. Religion serves a purpose – identity, belonging to a bigger reality, and so on. Specific content of a religion – traditional beliefs and perceptions of truth, plus ritual, community, etcetera – activates the frankenstein that is religion in principle [religion, any religion, is like the body that is in theory able to do things and produce results; specific content is like the “soul” or life energy that animates the body and even gives it personality]. What does this say then of specific content – the Christ story, or Mohammed and the Koran, or any other specific content?

MONDAY, 2 MAY 2005

10:54

(Remember Hatchet Monday, 3 May 2004?)

I am standing in the kitchen, which is looking a little different since last night, still in Lane 2, Number 4-2, Benevolent Light New Village. My bowl of muesli with yogurt, fresh banana slices and grapes is waiting next to my cup of hot green tea for me to finish this note. Savuka is singing Track 5 (“Ibola Lethu”) from my recycled Aiwa hi-fi’s side, the sun is shining nicely, the fan is blowing out its own rhythm, the potted plants on the window sill are coming along just fine, and in the back room [N.] is working out on the exercise bike … Hatchet Monday? Twelve months and a million miles away.

20:32

Some thoughts:

Point 1: Moses did not lead the people of Israel into the Promised Land but only to the border area. To take them all the way was not his calling; it was not his purpose, nor his role or his function. What was indeed his calling, his purpose, his role and function was to guide them through the wilderness and bring them to the edge of the Promised Land.

Point 2: [My friend, E.] and I are standing at Dorex’s counter ordering drinks. I see the tall guy with the shaggy hair emerges – because he can speak English, and his female colleague steps back – because she can’t. I place my order, respond with adequate but not excessive civility, take money out of my wallet, hand it over, receive my change and a receipt and a slip with our order number, and manoeuvre between the tables and some people to where we are going to sit, waiting for our order.

Two thoughts register: 1) I functioned well enough in the environment in which I found myself; I was indeed a reasonable and civilised organic robot; and 2) exactly such a situation and associated functioning could have tipped me over the edge had the right things not clicked at the right moments.

Point 3: In a so-called communist state only five to fifteen percent of the population are members of the Communist Party. The rest perform their functions, fill up places that are more or less important, and play their more or less important roles. The members of the Party have, in principle, more important ideological roles to play – they are indeed responsible, or at least more so than the rest of the population, for the success of the revolution.

It made me think that I might be like an idealistic revolutionary who tries to preach the message that everyone is equally important, that everyone has important roles to play, that everyone ought to discover or define their true purpose, role and function and then fulfil these roles and functions to truly give value to their lives.

But, maybe some people are more important than others – in the Greater View of Things. Maybe some people’s callings, roles, functions and purposes they aim to serve are simply more important than other people’s.

Finally, taking into account the idea that being “Brand Smit” is my personal religion, I just want to mention that I am currently not experiencing sufficient ritualistic confirmation of my particular attachment to the Greater Truth. I take notes, I learn Chinese … and I teach my classes and work on EFL material, which is important because it earns me an income which will help me in the process of making my environment and need fulfilment conducive for my primary labour.

However, it is of utmost importance that I return as soon as possible to PRIMARILY writing.

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WEDNESDAY, 27 APRIL 2005

My tendency to despair, and the increase in frustration and boredom, and even the occasional drop in confidence can all be traced to the fact that I, “Brand Smit”, do not currently produce any significant literature that serves a good purpose. As I mentioned yesterday, it boils down to the strong possibility that I will experience existential angst similar to what a neophyte “Christian” will experience who do not regularly get confirmation from his or her community of fellow believers – with the difference that I do not need confirmation from any community. My personal religion and related confirmation is … TO BE WHO I SAY I AM.

FRIDAY, 29 APRIL 2005

11:38

I think the one reason why I haven’t been able to continue with my thoughts on certain subjects is because I am like a McDonald’s franchise owner who actually wants to serve health food. I want to go further, I want to move on, but the only way I can do that is to change the format and structure of my establishment.

I have to start doing research. I have to become more disciplined in my investigations.

[The McDonald’s analogy does not work so well. What is important is that I reckoned my ideas on all the issues I have been writing about since … 1994 … are not going forward. I also thought my approach of one paragraph here and a note there has to be reconsidered. What I thought I should do is research; to research a subject properly from the bottom up.]

17:49

[Note on a project that is coming along well.]

I just mention this because I hate it when ropes and yarns and seams start loosening up, or when tent flaps start fluttering in the wind.

Which brings me to a related issue: Do other people also sometimes get the idea that their lives seem to be only two weeks away from total chaos? I am talking about ordinary things like personal health and laundry and general hygiene; I am not talking about bigger factors over which no one has any control.

19:47

Faith in your fellow human beings and in life itself is foolishness. / Foolishness is essential to having faith in your fellow human beings, and in having faith in life itself.

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SATURDAY, 23 APRIL 2005

What is love?

Love is a willingness and a free conscious choice to keep someone else’s needs, well-being and best interests at heart*. Romantic love is when this willingness combines with a strong desire* to be with this person, to share* your life with him or her, and to have this person share his or her life with you.

Asterisks:

to keep at heart = to consider something of great importance; to at least take co-responsibility for something

strong desire = a need which, if not met, may lead to emotional distress

to share = to not keep what makes you happy or what is important to you, or what makes you sad, or what causes you pain or discomfort to yourself

MONDAY, 25 APRIL 2005

14:17

I do not ALWAYS, IMMEDIATELY understand EVERYTHING …

18:34

There are incidents that come out of the blue, and unleash a reaction. Then there is the creeping variety, a greyness that comes from far away, that erodes resistance piece by piece until you are forced, on a Monday in April, to admit to yourself: I am not always so sure of things.

* * *

It is like this: You work and you work and you work, and then, one morning, an image appears from the fog. You see a man’s face, and you see him grin or smile about something. You shrug your shoulders and ask, “What?”

The man replies: “I see you are working your ass off. Have you ever considered the possibility that nothing will ever come of it? That all of this is for nothing?”

20:28

Shame and so on. Since when do I give myself over to such cheap mental tricks?

Plus, I know where it comes from: from the same brackish spring it flowed from last April.

Solution: WRITE.

TUESDAY, 26 APRIL 2005

18:03

“Life in the city is merely a wormlike biological existence where man lives and dies meaninglessly.” ~ Muammar Qaddafi

[The fact that he believed this probably made it easier for him to make it a reality for many people in Libyan cities.]

21:23

To be “Brand Smit” is my personal religion.

If someone converts to a religion, the event is usually accompanied by feelings of euphoria and an improved sense of personal well-being and security – place in the cosmos, identity, sin and salvation, “Eternal Life” and so on. The New Convert can however not simply convert one Friday evening at a gathering and – voila! – the wonderful euphoria and well-being and sense of security last forever. He or she must, starting on Day Two, regularly follow certain rituals to confirm his or her new identity and cosmic status.

THINGS MUST REGULARLY BE DONE TO CONFIRM IDENTITY AND COSMIC STATUS – YOUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE ULTIMATE REALITY!

I cannot just know I am “Brand Smit”. It is simply not good enough. The creeping greyness from the past three weeks has once again confirmed what I have also realised in the past: IF I DO NOT WRITE, I AM NOT WHO I SAY I AM.

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