THURSDAY, 5 MAY 2005
[…]
So it came that I was riding back from the train station thinking about the things I had realised since this morning “Do I want to love her despite a few bad habits she has?” I finally asked myself.
“Yes,” I replied.
The follow-up question: “Is it because I need her?”
“I cannot deny that I need her,” I replied, “but I don’t like what the question implies.”
Left at the traffic light, hundred or so metres to the first abandoned houses: “Do you love her for your own sake?”
“No,” I muttered, immediately feeling a breeze of goodwill rushing over me. “I want to love her for her sake.”
And that is it: sweet with the sour, just like she has to make peace with my bad habits, and my obsessions and my shortcomings. I am, and want to love her despite whatever habits she may have – and not just because how she copes with it is a much more important manifestation of her core personality. I want to love her because she, like me, should know how it feels to be loved, and because I do not want her to spend a single day without love, and because I am capable of loving her.
FRIDAY, 6 MAY 2005
17:54
Odd thing is there is always the possibility of failure.
“In what?” you may ask.
Think of anything and where success is the hope, failure is a possibility.
Why do I think about this now?
Don’t know. Friday afternoon, rain, summer is approaching, projects that cannot come to an end …
19:11
“Could I teach six hours of English classes per day, have no projects, read and build model aircraft as my only hobbies, and every evening after work come home and watch TV – and read and build model aircraft?” was the question I asked myself out of curiosity between 18:30 and 19:00. Perhaps the question was somewhat inevitable considering the previous notation regarding failure, and because I have a suspicion that I am psychologically incapable of such a lifestyle.
My answer was, no. Such a life is no longer a possibility for me. I have to play a “role”, or serve a “purpose” in the Greater View of Things. The POINT around which my life revolves must have value beyond my own little world, or, beyond the world I experience here and now through my senses. I have already come too far to imagine myself not having come this far. The detours are long gone; the only way is forward.
What is this life that I seek? To a large extent it is about two things: time and money – financial independence in order to own my own time, to be able to apply my time towards certain results, in a life that revolves around a particular POINT.
“Does your time not always belong to you in any case, if only in principle?” you may wonder.
Fact is I am not in the mood to fuck around with “in principle”. Take for example the time when I am making this very note: it does not belong to me. I sold this time, these particular minutes I am living through right now to [the owners of a language school] months ago. On a Friday night between 19:00 and 20:30 I am therefore not free to do what I want … (19:30)
SATURDAY, 7 MAY 2005
11:10
To achieve independent wealth through entrepreneurship and creativity, in order to own (most of) my own time, in order to dedicate – to apply – my daily existence to the pursuit of goals that will not only be to my own benefit, but that will be beneficial to the fulfilment of the potential of other people to lead purposeful, constructive, benevolent and happy lives. To allow my own earthly existence to revolve around this central POINT.
11:20
I understand and accept that not everyone who wants to lead purposeful, constructive lives that will also generate value in the lives of others need to “achieve independent wealth … in order to own [their] own time”.
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